The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I posted a response to Trust, I still sit here thinking that somehow, I need to have control of my life. I guess I am thinking that I am not taking control yet. The alcohal is still controlling my life, the person I think I love is controlling my life and I do not like where it is going. He says he loves me and really acts sorry for having another slip but I keep thinking that he is saying what I want to hear. If he says the right things, I will continue to let things go on as they are and he can continue to sneak the booze and play games with my emotions and hurt me. When he is sober, he is the greatest, but then, I'm thinking, in my sick mind (yeah, it feels sick right now from the bs that is going on) that he is saying when he feel I want to hear.
I know that I am so tired of the crap from the drinking, tired of trying to hold things together, tired of wondering if he is drinking and driving and going to kill someone when he is driving. I'm tired of the whole desease, TIRED!! I know that is part of depression, being tired, but everytime I try to get over being tired and depressed, it seems to come back to me.
Last week, when I suspected he was drinking again, it was like we were playing cat and mouse. And I HATE MICE!! I was the cat and kept asking the mouse if he was drinking, i could even smell it on his breath, but he denied it and almost told me I was crazy. He kept telling me that his last drinking was on 5/4/06, he had the whole thing pounded into his mind and out of his mouth came the lies. I was sitting there, all meek and stupid, wondering if I was loosing it? Then, I walked into the bathroom and caught him sneaking the drink from his newest hiding spot. I was angry, instantly. He must feel that I am so stupid that he can do this right in my face, lie to me just like that and i was actually wondering if I was crazy for wondering? I guess I am more upset at myself than him right now for allowing myself to care and trust and be so let down again. I must be stupid, I must be!
I will keep attending alanon no matter what, but I cannot hope for a life with him like this. It is not what i want in life.
When I read your post, it could have been me typing that just a few years ago. I thought I was loosing my mind. Did my AH really think I was that stupid??? You aren't stupid - you are just in love with an Alcoholic and people who are in love with alcoholics who don't know any better we are great enablers. But as I have learned in Al-Anon - If nothing changes, then nothing changes and the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
That's what I did - I kept expecting him to change, to stop hiding the alcohol/drugs, stop stealing the money, stop the lies, and on and on and on - but nothing changed - Not until I did things differently. I would love to tell you that I got into Al-anon right away, but I didn't. I just left. Six months later, I did get to the rooms of Al-Anon and it did help me. It saved my life.
So, yes, please keep going to those meetings - keep posting here, read the literature - keep coming back - You are important enough to deserve a new way of life - regardless of whether the A's in your life get sober or not - It's about taking care of You.
Progress not Perfection and Let it Begin with me,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I think as you continue to work this program you will see that you will not "have to" or "want to" play cat and mouse any longer.
You will start to realize that "sneaking drinks" and "lying" are just 2 of the many things most alcoholics do. You may start to just accept that he has a disease and that is one of the symptoms. You may be able to live with it or you may not. At least you will know that you are not losing it. Hopefully, you will be able to detach from the symptoms of his disease and live your life and take care of you. It takes time. I hope you can attend some f2f meetings. They are so helpful!
my ex ah came here to my home with his face all scraped and bruised. he said he was cutting branches and one fell and hit him in the face. i said "oh". i asked him where 2 pieces of funiture went, i was planning on selling them. i asked him when he sold them. he said he didn't. well, if i know i didn't and he says he didn't, they must have just got up and walked away! the funiture is probably sitting in the bar with the tree that hit him laughing that they pulled one over on poor ah and wifey. but the thing is, at one time i believed him. always. so when he came clean with me about being beat up i said "oh". he said "you knew?!?" i said "well, i assumed but you said it was a tree and why would i bother to aruge?" he was blown away that i knew the truth! lol. i don't think he thinks i am stupid. i think he thinks he is really really smart. alcoholics live in the land of goofey where they are king and we live there with them when we are in denile. we are not stupid. we are kind and loving and smart enough to deal with crisis in creative, capable ways. that's more than most people on a good day. and we are here in this program. not in denile, learning how to help ourselves.
I often think the A is playing some game. I have confronted him on this a number of times in the last year and that has helped. Nevertheless I feel often I am walking on eggshells. I am sorry you have to go through this. I also feel that the A compulsively lies about everything then he justifies it by saying he cannot tell me anything.
I feel like I am dealing with a 6 year old rather than a grown man.
You aren't stupid - you are just in love with an Alcoholic and people who are in love with alcoholics who don't know any better we are great enablers. But as I have learned in Al-Anon - If nothing changes, then nothing changes and the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
