The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, today, I finally managed to 'let go.' The A has been telling me for a while now that it's over, and I've finally come to terms with that. I realized that by trying to do things so he would see that I'm still the person that he fell in love with was only taking the focus off of my recovery. I realized that if I am going to recover that I've got to focus on me, and nothing more. While I still struggle with being comfortable in my own skin, I know that I am loved. My HP loves me, and so do I, and if someone can't seem to understand that, then they're not worthy of the grand and wonderful things that I can offer them. I wrote him a letter, and I left it on the kitchen table, he's watching a movie as I type this, and I'm wondering when he will actually read it. I'm scared and I'm nervous at the same time. I WANT him to read it, but at the same time I don't. I want him to know how I feel, but I'm worried that he's going to think that I'm rejecting him, or don't love him. I just have to keep telling myself that the ball is in his court about how to react to these things.
Letting go can be scary, but remember you are not letting go to a great emptiness - you are letting go to a Power greater than ourselves - a Power that has our best interest at heart - Take comfort that when we let go that Power gently picks up what we have let go and takes over - works out for us what we can not do for ourselves. We may not understand the why, the reason, the path or the end - but that Power has a plan for each of us and a love that is beyond our comprehension.
Yes, you are lovable - you are deserving of that respect and love and that Power wants to show you how much He loves you - Letting Go & Letting your HP take over is a very brave thing to do -
Glad you are here and remember no matter what you and your HP will be ok - even better than OK,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Sorry you are scared and nervous about him reading your letter. I know that once I finally decided to "Let go and Let God" take over my situation I was so relieved.
Good for you for taking care of you. Look at it this way, you are not necessarily "letting go" of the love you feel for your A, but you are opening your arms wide to the "grand and wonderful" things life has to offer you. You cannot control what he does, how he feels, etc. But you can free yourself from the sad lonely prison that alcoholism isolates US in, and setting out on a journey that is too wonderful to even begin to imagine. You have a way headstart on where I was back in January. I did not then acknowledge that I was worth all the love I have since received. From the world, from friends, from Alanon, from myself, and even from my A.
Good for keeping the focus on you. It will make your life much easier and happy. You are loved!
I am on the other side of this. The A's actions recently, his reckless driving, his financial irresponsibility, has meant that I feel it is over. I have also been aware that most of my love is gone. I am glad that you are willing to share on this because I feel very alone with not wanting to try anymore. I have tried, given and sacrificed myself enough. Lately I have been feeling that I just want to devote time to me and my issues. Unfotunately I still live in the same house as the A and try as I may, his issues still dominate. I detach all I can and I work on my own issues nevertheless I am exhausted from dealing with his constant chaos. I am glad that you can communicate with your A. I cannot with the one I live with. He is obstainate, dominating and obnoxious so there is not much I can say.
