The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just came home from my first al-anon meeting. My A husband was home when I got here and asked me where I'd been. I should have lied, but I told him that I went to an al-anon meeting. He got angry and told me that I shouldn't ever go again because someone might recognize me. I told him that it's anonymous... that's what the anon in al-anon means. He told me I shouldn't go again and if I do I wont like the consequences. I guess I shouldn't have told him where I was. I don't know. Any input here?!:
-- Edited by artygirl at 21:24, 2006-08-14
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
I dont really have advise for you .. I can just say that when i go i dont tell my husband. They dont want us to get well... My husband has commented about them filling my head with crap.. I say WHATEVER... He doesnt even know that i visit this site.. Again, I attend alanon for me, I visit this site for me and I will continue for me.. For once this isnt about what HE wants..
Hello Arti , yes have heard of this alot . What has happened is that you have let the secret out of the bag you have admited that there is a problem he hasn't . I hope u have the courage to go back for yourself his problems of worrying about who will know are his . Most people who know him already know there is a problem.
reasure him that we do not talk about them and that his drinking is causing you a problem taking responsibility and not accusing him may help. when I told my husb that he said see I told u u were the one with the problem hehe as i started to change he asked me to stop going i simply told him too late i go for me now. he let it go.
My husb told me in sobriety that what he really had a problem with ws tht now there were 2 of us who knew he had a problem, he had known for along time but thought he had managed to fool me. Denial can run pretty deep with us too.
Alcoholics need to control and making threats is one way to maintain that " go again and u will suffer the concequences " unless u are living with violence it is just a threat to maintain control of his home. Pray for the courage to help yourself . Because u are adressing the prob by going to meetings it is out in the open the "elephant in the middle of the room has moved to the corner " and they don't like change. Keep comming back and goodluck Louise
I too have no advice as I cannot gain the proper perspective-I know what I would do and say but that has no bearing on this...
I have read quite a few posts where folks were threatened and scared to admit they were seeking help from an outside source---again I do not know what "consequences" are...
Obviously you have every right in the world to attend al-anon meetings--but apparently your wellness is a threat to your A...
I do not know your situation but please be careful and at the same time continue being strong and smart...
Thanks for the responses. I'm not worried for my safety or anything like that. He's good at those idle threats. I calmly said nothing and I am planning on attending another meeting tomorrow night. From now on I guess I wont tell him the truth about where I've been!
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
hi - welcome. I haven't reached the point I don't tell my a about my meetings. His behavior is obvious to all of us - so I treat myself to telling him what i'm doing if he asks. I have told him if you don't want to know, don't ask. I want to live the way I can respect. This is for me. thanks for the topic - it's a good one. --- Jill
Aloha Arty! Great you got to your first and are planning to go back. If you keep coming back, sit down, listen, learn and follow the other suggestions the "consequences" will be beyond your wildest dreams. I know what your husband was saying but Al-Anon has its promises that are read at the closing of all meetings. Next meeting listen to them and smile.
My husband feels the same way, but he is more concerned about himself. He has a rather "political" high profile job (he was on the news three times last year) and is rightly concerned about how he is perceived in the community.
I know about all of that "anonymous" stuff, but really, we are talking about imperfect often sick people here. In a small town NOTHING is ever really anonymous.
I don't care what anyone says, being perceived as an alcoholic can hurt both your reputation and your job. So, I understand his concern and desire to keep his personal problems private while he deals with them.
The few times I have gone to a F2F I drove to another city, which was quite an inconvenience and still did NOT tell my husband where I went. I told him I went shopping and DID go shopping on the way home, so it was not a lie.
Remember, we don't live in a perfect world, what "should" be often is not.
I am a state certified teacher and when I was teaching I would not dare ever go to even an alanon meeting (due to their insistance that people in alanon are "sick, often sicker than the alcholic"). I simply would not want the familys I worked with to see me go to a meeting like that and perceive me as "sick" or living in a bad environment. So, I can imagine how much worse it would be for my husband to be perceived as an alcoholic.
People often do NOT respect the anonymity of Alanon and AA. Why is this such a shock? Just like most people don't do other parts of the program the right way often, they don't get this part right either.
At another job I had I worked with an extremely difficult person. I usually just overlooked it, but at times she just got on my last nerve. One day I happened to be talking to a collegue and she came up in conversation. I tried to be discreet about my feelings but my annoyance somehow spilled out. My collegue told me that she was attending alanon to deal with her problems with her husband and so possibly would be better able to handle things in the future. She shared that she too had tried alanon and that was how she knew...sigh. So much for "anonymity" and I knew her husband too, thank goodness for her I am very discreet and even though had nothing to do with alanon, never told anyone else as this is obviously a private matter.
This is not a perfect world, so your husband is right to be concerned about the possibility of rumors circulating that he is an alcoholic (even if it is true) if you attend alanon meetings.
Does this mean I am suggesting that you not go? NO!
I am merely suggesting you perhaps find ways to get the help that you need without upsetting him. Perhaps drive a long distance to another city? Or even do the alanon online like I do.
People say it is not enough, but I have found that it IS! This is a registered alanon "real" group with meetings and the chat room is occupied 99% of the time if you ever need to "talk" to someone.
I have really learned a lot just from this site and it has changed my life.
The first time he went to rehab he encouraged me to go. Then during one of his many relapses he would say to me, that if I went or came here and mentioned him (the A, the addict, anything, ) he would sue me! Don't ya just love it when they speak and they are under the influence?
I point blank told him, that I would continue with my healing whether he liked it or not. The one thing that I am not is submissive. I didn't care if he liked it or not. I was going to get healthy. So I am still here, and I am glad to say that hubby is now almost 90 days sober, and he encourages me to attend my meetings. Heck he reminds me that perhaps I haven't been to a meeting in a while. Boy is that a change. But we have also agreed to stay out of each other's recovery.
Bottom line is that no one stands in my way of doing what I think is best for me. I am way too old and way to stubborn.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
My husband was rather supportive of my going, but had he not been..I'd be going anyway. Once in Alanon, I never hid the fact I was going from him or anyone else (I didn't broadcast it either).
I had a bit of a different outlook, I considered hiding it for him "enabling". I was in no way going to help him hide his dirty little secret. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. He ended up in the hospital due to alcoholism and was there for a month. Everyone knew then..
In any case, this is YOUR personal choice. I wholeheartedly agree with what Abbyal said in her post.
You GO girl! (literally) Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Well for one thing, ((Love)) you don't have to tell him any thing. You can honestly tell him it's none of his business. But, here's a true story:
Lady named Ivy came here, was very scared to go to al anon because of what her husband would do. So we talked for about an hour about the meetings, how they worked, that they were anonymous, et cetera. She shared she was a homemaker, and I said "Well, Ivy, in my experience 'homemaker' means you do alot *outside* the home; is that true?" She laughed and said, "Yes, it is." So I said, "Ivy, let's find meetings around places where you run errands." So we found meetings where her grocery store is; where her pharmacy is; where her dry cleaners is; where the library is. By the time we were through, Ivy had about 4 or 5 meetings a week to go to, and her husband didn't have to know a thing!
Last I heard, Ivy was running *alot* of errands, and was feeling *alot* better.
So that's one solution to think about.
Secondly, your husband wasn't concerned about someone knowing you. He was concerned someone would know *him.* Alcholism is a selfish disease. He was thinking that if someone knew *you* were at al anon, things weren't as perfect as he was trying to get everyone to believe! ((Honey)) You go on back to those al anon meetings. They are *hands down* the best thing you can do for yourself. And *try* to do what Ivy did: find meetings around where you work; around places where you go frequently, like the grocery store. ****And know, no matter what, we love you and support you.******
Congratulations on making huge step to your first meeting. I'm glad you had the courage to go.
There has been a lot of posts on this and as most have said it will be a decision that you will need to make on what will work for you and best welfare of your homelife.
Anonymity is very important to our home group. We often have topic meetings and members share on the importance of this principle in all our affairs. We aren't perfect - It does occasionally slip thru, but steps are taken to make amends and to try correct unhealthy behaviors in our group and individually.
Some members in our group whose spouses are uncomfortable with them attending have told their spouses that the meetings are not about them. It was about the affects of an unhealthy childhood, prior relationship, etc. Most of the A's in our lives (although prior to recovery they would never admit it) our overwhelmed with guilt inside - the fact that we go to a program because of the harm they are doing to us, only makes them feel worse inside. So rather than deal with that feeling, they usually act out and forbid to let us go to those meetings. Or make us "suffer" consequences. This doesn't not excuse their behavior - it is just a little bit of the understanding I have gotten from attending the open AA meetings of the thinking of an Active A.
So anyway, do what is right for you - attend the meetings if you can, in person, on-line, possibly agree with him not to discuss the issue or whatever you think is the healthiest solution for you for Today - and that is all that you have to decide - What works for Today - and tomorrow you can decide what you will do tomorrow -
Glad you are taking the journey of recovery - It's a blessing to have you here,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
) he would sue me! Don't ya just love it when they speak and they are under the influence? 
You can honestly tell him it's none of his business. But, here's a true story:
((Honey)) You go on back to those al anon meetings. They are *hands down* the best thing you can do for yourself. And *try* to do what Ivy did: find meetings around where you work; around places where you go frequently, like the grocery store. ****And know, no matter what, we love you and support you.******