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My A is in recovery and we have aftercare meetings every monday in his treatment centre, where he spend 6 weeks. All is going great, sometimes we fight, just normal stuff. He is doing his meeting regulary, but i'm not. Everybody is telling me in aftercare that i should go, its good for me and his recovery. But i have nothing to recover from!!!!!!!!
When i met him - 2 years ago- he was drinker, but i didnt know he was A until we moved together. I took coulple of months - about 6, when i said stop, i had it, i'm going, im not taking this shit anymore. He went to aa for a while and he relapsed. After 4 months of drinking, he decided himself he needs help. He checked himself into treatment centre. I was there for group therapy and private sesions. We had some trust issues, but as they said, they leave them behind when they leave, and i did the same. I dont dig out old stories or hurt, ist done, let it go.
Back to my problem, if i go to al-anon, they want me to recover from something i all ready recovered from. There is not that much damage done on me. I'm the lucky one, i lived with him only couple of months, and the issues are gone. We now have new wonderfull life and stying to start over, fresh. Why would i go back to our old problems, they are behind me and dont want to go back to old stuff anymore. We had trust issue, but working on it and it will take time to build up again. I dont feel i need to go to al-anon and work the steps, i feel i want to work on my life, my way.
IMO, the fact that you have been affected by alcohol means you belong here. Now that your A is in recovery, doesn't mean that you don't have anything to recover from. My husband is in recovery too, and I can tell you that it becomes very important to work my program now more than ever. The relationship of a sober A vs. active A changes things. He's changing and so am I. I react differently to him and he to me.
How much you need your program only you can decide. But I'm finding that just as I get to thinking that I am "recovered", I run back here. My life too wasn't affected for that long of time either, but I still find coming here very helpful. Recovery is a process and not short term for any of us. Do I feel like I need 12 meetings a week? No, but there are times when I do. Then there are moments when I back off from it a bit. To give myself a break and get a perspective on things.
Just because my A is sober (knock on wood for good I hope), doesn't mean that he doesn't need or want to go to AA. He has to decide, as I have to decided what is good for me. For me, working my program keeps me on my toes. Heaven forbid that he should relapse. Because if he does, I'm going to need this program more than ever. I don't want to "relapse" either.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I agree - even if you do not have the deep problems that, say, someone who grew up in an A household has, there are things you can learn from the meetings. Your sober A is a different person from your active A - and sometimes that can really be a problem. It will help you to learn more about his disease, so you can keep from being affected in a bad way by his recovery. One thing that springs to mind is the amount of time he may sometimes need to spend a AA meetings - we hear a lot here about jealousy over that.
In my opinon, just about everyone could benefit from working the steps, whether they are affected by an addiction or not. I often feel, when I am a work, or in a committee, or with my family, that things come up which could use a few alanon tools.
I started this program because I was told to, to support my A in his recovery. It has changed from being something I do for him, to something I do for me. If I had not had the program in that first year of recovery, either my marriage or my sense of myself would have been gone, for sure.
Utimately of course it is you who will decide. You will probably never be a five meeting a week person, but going once a week or so for a couple of months will give you a better idea of what you can get from the program.
thank for your thoughts. I'm just saying, recovery from what? I'm not affected by his drinking as everybody thinks. Would you send me to al-anon if i met him yesterday and he was i recovery himself, not active anymore? Our problems were more for councellour and we closed the doors behind them to move on with our lifes. All im saying is, he is doing this for himself and i'm happy for him and us, but i dont need to sit in meeting to love him this way or that way. I just love him and treat him with love. I do not take care of him as a baby, i treat him as an adult. I'm not going to devote my life to al-non. Its a great support group for people they need support. I do my readings at home and on net, i will educate myself further about the sickness, but thats me done.
i do have our recovery meetings every monday. Its 2 hours in evening and all people they went to this treatment centre go there for about a year + partners. Its great for us as couple and i can hear what is going on in his head. That is good enough for me and him. When he was in treatment centre, i was there every twice a week on seminars about alcoholism and all that. I know quite alot about it by now, still reading and learning. My only think i dont want to do is al-anon meetings. I dont mind to come here and talk, but i have to feel i get someone who feels like me, dont want to be part of something that depresses me. I dont know if i expained myself correctly.
Daisy, I feel that all of us need to live our lives as we see fit, as long as we bring no hurt or harm to another. If you truly feel you have nothing to recover from, and do not need AlAnon, do not feel obligated to go to meetings.
And don't feel guilty when others give you reasons why you need to go. Follow your own nose, and sniff out your own path. For me, the path is right here on MIP. I do not attend AlAnon meetings.
Very best wishes, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Perhaps I said this wrong. Alanon if for everyone who has been affected from alcohol. I didn't want you to think that you didn't belong. Not everyone does AA or Alanon and are fine. But please don't feel that you don't belong. You are always welcome.
What I am saying, is that recovery is about you and for you. How much you need or want is or how you do it is up to you. That's all. I am glad that you are putting the past behind you and moving foward. To me that's recovery. It's about taking back your life, living your life as you see fit and is best for you and your family. I would never suggest that you love your A any less or more if he was active or not, or that you are babying him. If I gave you that impression I'm sorry.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
its hard to explain how i feel about al-anon - for me, and its even harder for others to understand. I'm obviously here for a reason, but i do pick up only thinks that will apply to my situation. I heard so much negativity from our recovery group when i said i do not attend f2f meetings and i dont need them. They started at me like i was sabotaging my A's recovery. It sound very extreme to me. If i dont do meetings = he is not going to recover!!! What a bull....Some people in AA are very uptight and think they have all the answers, and who doesnt follow the 12 steps, its not in "real recovery". I feel who want to really chance the way they live, they will do it their own way and the steps are just guidence for them, same as here. They really put people down if they dont do as they told. I think there is bad seads in AA rooms and they have to watch for them. I heard this so many times, that sponsor suggest something and they do everything what they want. That is controling. Its horrible stories, i know that doesnt happen every day, but i think people should know about it. Its a great idea, but not all people are nice and honest, we are still only people with all the falses.
Back to me. We have another aftercare meeting tonight, i let you know how that went. I'm sure they are going to ask me if i finally went to f2f, cant wait for the reaction. They dont really listen to me why, they just go by the book, but im my own person and you cant treat me becouse "the book says". Hope you undestand now and thanks for listening.
The holy trinity of alcholic dysfunction is shaming blaming manipulating. These behaviors make up the core of an alcholic's thinkign and behaving. And, unfortunately for the family, monkey see- monkey do: we pick up these behaviors and implement them in our lives because, somehow, they work. From reading your post, I see alot of blaming: "*He's* The alcholic! I'm recovered!"
I also see a person that, if she really felt secure in her decision, wouldn't be seeking outside reassurance for it. Whenever I know in my heart a decision I am making is wise and loving, I don't feel a need to announce it, nor do I feel a need to check it with others. Right now I'm hearing a woman that's thinking "Maybe some of these things that I'm being told are true. Maybe al anon wouldn't be such a bad place for me after all." And in the words of the alchol-drug treatment community: "Before you think, go to a meeting. Then, do your thinking with someone who has shared your thinking skills from the meeting."
Lastly, I keep going to al anon meetings to be reminded of a critical fact: if my alcholic doesn't want recovery, I can't make him want it. But if *I* want a better life, I *can* have it. I have to earn it. It takes time. But it is possible.
you got me wrong. What im doing here is im looking for someone who has the same thinking as i do, i dont announce anything here. Just becouse im here, doesnt mean this is my "cry for help". I know what i'm doing and dont need anybodys approval, i defending myself here if you didnt noticed form my post. I'm standing my ground and just want to share if thats ok with you. I am really looking talk to someone that wont be offensive to my opinion.
PS: I dont blame my A for anything, read it again!!!!!!!! He is doing wonderful job
I'm sorry you have that experience. I feel strong in my shoes. My A is strong person as well, thats maybe why we are together. I know what i want, do does he.
I do learn alot here, but refusing go to f2f meetings. I have my books and our aftercare, after that, its just pure life problems that everybody has to deal with. Everybody has different recovery, that is my point. They all put us into one bag, shake it, and what comes out should be all the same. It doesnt work that way. I'm just expresing my opinion here.
The beauty of Al-Anon, MIP, or in my experience any type of recovery is the freedom to "Take what you like and leave the rest" . . .
Just what happened for me - My AH was over 6 months sober, out of my house - hardly no contact with him, it had been suggested that I go to Al-Anon also, I said "NO WAY - I was never going to any meeting that was going to make me believe his lies again." Anyway, I was still miserable, angry, hurt, etc - with a chip on my shoulder the size of Mount Everest. That is when I decided maybe I might want to try something for ME - Al-Anon meetings did work for ME - regardless of what happened with my AH or the other A's in my life.
If you have tried the meetings and you didn't feel comfortable - then maybe they are not for you - If you haven't tried the meetings and aren't ready - maybe it isn't time for you yet and If you don't want to go at all - then don't - It's all about what works for you - Do you truly feel Happy, Joyous and Free working your program of recovery the way you are - then you can explain that to the counselors. Express what is working for you and maybe that would help them understand how you feel about the pressure you feel they are giving you on the f2f meetings.
So glad you are here with us & hope that you will continue to let us know how you are doing,
Progress not Perfection,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Don't Go...only you know what's good for you at this time...
I agree with you that if the problems have diminished-why continue to re-hash...
Some folks need a good old twelve step to get back on the dance floor--not everyone...
You sound content with what is going on now so stick to it---not all issues need over and over redundant analysis...
From what I have read here--many folks need and benefit from face to face--many folks do not
Sometimes we, as adults, can manage our problems and press on...it sounds like your A and you have both grown and have managed to find a peaceful zone...
thanks very much for you thoughts. You got me!!!!!!!!!!
We left our old hurts behind us. We done some damage to each other, but agreed we will leave it behind, its not doing us any good if we take the skeletons out of the closet. Im very peaceful with myself and very happy with his recovery. It might be different in time, but that is the way we are doing it right now.
We had this aftercare meeting last night and there was a great example of what we dont want to do. This couple went trought some rough times together, he got himself help, went to treatment centre and the wife was giving him such a hard time, that he doesnt deseve any medals becouse he is sober now, the bollocks was drunk for 20 years and on and on and on. Taking out old stuff is not good to anybody, there is only way forward.
Imagine your A is doing really good at one day, and you come home and start talking about past. That will throw him of the wagon and he might not recover from that.
I hope you can understand where im going with this.
(((Daisy))) Good for you and your A, that you are able to put the old hurts and issues behind you. I have been to a few f2f meetings, but mostly visit here on the board and in chat. I also read a lot. My A is not in recovery, but we are trying to salvage what is left of a relationship that is damaged from stuff that happened a year and a half ago, and almost cost us our marriage. I feel I am better than he is at letting sleeping dogs lie. I do not like to rehash the past either.
If you feel better coming here, then come. If not, then don't. It's your call. However, you could probably offer the rest of us some ESH, if you care to. Same with f2f. Whatever makes you feel better in your life. You are the only one who can make that decision.
I agree with you that listening to someone give their A **** in the aftercare meeting has to be a big downer. I don't share with my A what I do here. One thing is because he is not in recovery, for another thing, because I do it for me. No matter what he does, I do it because I need it, and it improves my life, and therefore improves our relationship.
Personally, I continue to come, because Al-Anon has offered me a new prospective of things. I like the friends I have made here, the experiences we share, and the constant learning I do about others and myself. What a beautiful gift!
Glad to meet you, Daisy! Keep up the good work, sounds like you are doing what you need.
