Hi Sandi, I have thought about your post a lot.

I remember when I as fourteen and realized my mother was not perfect. It made me so mad. She never professed to be, but I assumed she was, and I guess by her behavior and her strictness with love, that she knew everything.

But what I don't remember is when she told me she had been sexually abused by her brother, and a couple of her fathers friends.

I do remember her always telling me to be careful and not all men are nice. To be careful of men who were too nice.

What it made me feel was anger. Still does, my upper lip sorta curls when I think of someone hurting her like that. In fact, when my gma died, I called my uncle and via his insane wife, told him I know he sexually abused my mother and He owes her an apology.

creep.Always coming to family reunions in his fancy cars and money. rrrrrr

My mother was the kindest, funniest most wonderful person I ever knew. Never cussed  or drank or anything. She made my cloths, cooked from scratch and canned and froze everything.

That is what i remember. yes it  made me closer to her. And it also made it so when Mr. Stark told me there was a puppy in his pocket, overalls, I ran home and told my mother.

I was only like four years old.

I don't hide things from my kids or anyone. I like/ned to be a real person. I am not phoney.

My kids know me as strong, sensitive, will be there for them. But I  also got migraines and they would have to bring me toast so I could get my meds down. I cry a lot.

I am glad my kids know I am all those things and more. AS over the years they have shown their real stuff to me too.

They know I smoked pot and did not like it. Know I drank some of my dads Canadian club and got so so sick, and never drank again.

My brother and I told my mother everything. She was probably the first one to say, well that is more than I needed to know...geez lol

Well the first time I had sex I thought I was pg of course and told my mother after an agonizing missing my period by one stupid day. My dumb brother told the whole school.

I was NOT pg...

So when my own kids did dumb stuff< i knew....

does this help at all? I guess it is up to you what kind of relationship you want with your kids.

My best friend tried heroin. geez. I coulda killed her when i found out. I don't think she ever told her boys. But then she tells me I have a better memory than her.

anyway hugs honey, sounds like you are being too hard on yourself. Your body is trying to tell you to slow down and take care of you.

Maybe you need to see a counselor or open up to a good friend. It is only poisons that need to come out hon. Better to let them out by sharing than by a hurting tummy and other stuff.

I know for me, my kids and I took rides together to the fish hatchery or the beach or where ever. We would sing and talk and I would just bring something up as a matter of conversation. Would talk about grammy and then me.

My kids were very protected by me. Both tell me, becuz of me they were never sexually abused. They knew what to be careful of and not be afraid of to tell no matter what. And they will pass that to their kids too.

I tell ya one in three kids have been sexually abused in one way or another. And it can really screw them up.

geez ya got more than you wanted. hugs and much love and you are still a very worthwhile wonderful woman who just needs to throw out that poison....

 love,debilyn

Hi Linda,

I started (but did not finish) an MS degree program in college.  We learned a lot about boundary issues, and how parents many times cross their children's emotional boundaries, although not meaning to.  At times this is actually a form of emotional abuse.

What I learned and have seen in real life is that this is a very touchy subject.  My parents went through tremendous hardship as children and have been vague about it, I will never know the extent of the suffering they endured.  They preferred to keep that level of horror out of our lives, they preferred to move ahead and had worked hard to overcome that and have a good life.  Looking back to the extent of providing details did not seem wise to them. I have to admit that I DO prefer it that way.  I would prefer not to know painful details.

Now with my own daughter I have not been so wise.  But I did learn discretion from my own parents.  I have dealt with her on a "need to know" basis.

Her father, my first husband was extremely physically abusive to the point that I was hospitalized at times and nearly lost her a few times during pregnancy.  Did I tell her the details of my injuries? NO!  Or that I was hospitalized?  NO!  That would only torment her needlessly to relive my suffering with me up close and personal, it would not server any real purpose but give her pain.

But, she DOES need to know he is a dangerous and abusive person, since he kept trying to contact her outside of the court apointed supervised visitation.  She needed to know the truth, that he was dangerous.  So, I told her that the truth, but no details.  I told her he was dangerous, had beaten me up (this was an understatement), had threatened me and her in the past, and was STILL threatening us (TRUE!) so we had to avoid him.  That was really it.

That really shook her up.  I wish I did not have to tell her even that.

Too many parents today try to be their kids "buddies" and then take this WAY TOO FAR.  Kids are not your pals or buddies, even grown kids, and should not be seen as a support system for emotional problems.  They should not be seen as "free therapy", someone you can confide in   and not have to pay for the time just to unburden yourself.  I am not saying that is what you are doing, but that is what it can turn into when you are in pain and sometimes not thinking straight.

It is especially easy for newly single parents to fall into that trap of using children for "free therapy".  The spouse is now gone and the single parent loses their adult support system.  So now there is a void.  As the kids fill in other duties the spouse used to fulfill, such as mowing the lawn maybe or taking out the garbage, it is natural for the single parent to expect them to fill other duties as well, such as being a listening ear to adult level problems.  Most people are not prepared for the complex emotional changes a divorce causes.  They mostly think of financial and practical considerations, so when their need for adult level venting and emotional support hits them, it is too easy to turn to the kids, who may seem older than their years as they fill in the viods in other areas for the missing parent.

When I was in college we talked a lot about that, how so many parents do that, use their kids as "free therapy" or a ready and willing support system to depressed, isolated, DESPERATE, hurting parents.  They are a captive audience and too many parents in pain take  advantage of that, not realizing the emotional damage they are doing to their children.

I too underwent some abuse from an older brother, but I cut all ties with him and she never has to see him and so I never told my daughter, it is not fair to upset her.  If I need to talk to someone about it I can go to professional therapy not use her. 

I am talking about grown children here too, my daughter is 21.

So, from my education and experience, it is best to proceed with EXTREME caution here.

If you abusers are still part of your life somehow (and if so...WHY!!!!!!?) then you do need to caution your children about what they are capable of, don't keep secrets from them that can hurt them (them thinking a family member is safe when they are NOT and can abuse them as well if they let their guard down.

However, if these are things from your past, and the people who abused you are NOT part of your chidlren's lives, then it is best to keep it to yourself and not burden your children with YOUR pain.  Don't they carry enough as it is with your separation?

When my parents divorced when I was 17 I was SO grateful they kept me out of it.  Neither one confided in me, I was glad to be honest.  I could see that they were basically falling apart and I picked up the slack for them when it came to cleaning the house, raising my little brother, cooking dinner, shopping, etc.  I did what i could to help but was glad they did not burden me with expecting me to be their therapist too.

I have parents that were incredibly loving and supportive to me, but always kept that role of being Mom and Dad, they never tried to be buddy and friend too.  I had lots of friends, I only had one Mom and one Dad and I am glad they stayed that for me.

When I was MUCH older, in my thirties, they started to share a few things with me and I liked that, but they waited until I was a full fledged adult child on my own, married, and with a child of my own.   During the teen years and early adulthood, you have enough of your own problems without taking on your parents too.

I am sure you will get a lot of responses telling you it is OK to confide in your children, that they are old enough to hear it, or that they "need" to know what goes on in the world.  Just try to put yourself in their place.  They are going through enough pain of their own, their Dad moving out, finishing high school, starting college, all difficult and possibly painful life stages of their own, they don't need to be burdened further with your pain from your past.  Think of them.  Take care of YOU too, seek professional therapy to deal with your pain without hurting your chidlren further.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

Isabela

 For me Sandie, I have never been able to adequately deal with the sexual abuse or the alcholism without coupling Al Anon with professional intervention. The help of a caring professional gave me insights and validations that gave me the courage to stand up to my parents. For the first time I'm speaking openly of the trauma that happened in my home of origin, and claming it as my own--I'm not ashamed any more, and the feeling of "OMG, I shouldn't have said that; I can't believe I opened my moulth..." are lessening. The more I share my story, the more I feel at peace. The pain I feel today is that a little girl was robbed of her innocence; her childhood; her care free days; I feel no pain that I had anything to do with the insanity that we share.

 Not that it has been so smooth. When I came to my mom to share some of the pain and some of the on going insanity, she turned to me and said "Are you sure? I mean, Sarah, You *are* emotionally unbalenced." Rather than validating the possiblility, she blamed me. This, too causes me pain. That my mother--who is no longer married to my father, who molested,raped, and beat me--defends him.

 Yet I have the health, because of Al Anon and my councelor to see the desperation she carries. What she is really saying with her blaming is "Oh God! No! I can't have missed that! My daughter can't have been abused! How could I have been such a bad mother that I allowed my daughter to be abused by my husband?"

 But none of this would happened on it's own, dear. None. It's all a mericle of God, and the assistence of Al Anon.