The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am a member because I am powerless over an alcoholic who is sober and I am powerless over my disease. I have been without a vehicle for a week (still having transmission problems with the other car). I wanted to do something this weekend so I asked my AHsober to come tonight. He said no that he was going to see his brother who plays in a band at a sleazy bar. I am praying and meditating for help from my HP to stay out of resentment, self pity, and making this about me.
When I do have a moment of clarity, I understand that I created this man that I married in my mind. My perception was that He loved me, he was committed to our marriage, and that he was a nice guy. That is what he has told me for 30 years. And that is only until his disease kicks in and all that goes out the window. And I react, react, react. I am so tied up in what he does or doesn't do. And I put my name on everything he does and doesn't do. When I am around him, I literally listen to him breathe to find my opening when he is not in his disease and have that god awful wall up. Nowadays, his wall goes up from the moment he sees me and I breathe. Does this make sense?
I have gained insight into myself. I am alone sometimes because I isolate. My three grown sons stay away sometimes because I am in their face. I am learning to love myself inspite of everything. Not everything in this program makes sense but I willing to learn. I read my Alanon books and others and listen to my tapes. I am pretty sure my AHsober isn't reading a recovery book right now. Sorry, just had to say it. Damn this is hard. I want more for myself. I hope that my HP knows what she/he/it is doing with my life. Thanks for listening.
hi Nancy. i can idenfity with a lot of what you wrote tonight, especially ... I hope that my HP knows what she/he/it is doing with my life. i'm hoping that for myself. i'm only 5 months into a relationship with my A, but we go through this same dance already. sometimes i count myself lucky he's willing to show me the "real him" so soon in the relationship, he's not willing to hide who he is. other times i think "what in the hell am i getting into? and WHY do i want to get into it?!" reading posts like yours, makes me wonder if i'll be sitting here feeling like i'm going crazy 30 years from now, just like i am tonight. but there has to be something wonderful that keeps you with this man, right? or some purpose the HP has for you, or him, or both of you? i try to remember the times that it's worth it to go through these little bits of hell. anyway, i hear you. {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
It's hard to be where you are right now... I can hear your pain.
This is a program that gives hope; so, stick with it. Sounds like you are right in Step 2. When I have felt the way you do, I try to think about the qualities of my Higher Power: He is loyal to me; He hears me and my prayers; He loves me: He wants the best for me: He wants me to be happy; He takes care of my needs and tries to fulfill my wishes; He is all good and whatever happens that appears not so good -- I try to remind myself that somehow even that not-so good event/thing/person fits into a plan for me... I believe nothing happens by chance; everything happens for a reason, in its right time -- sometimes I don't see it or understand it until much later.
So, who is your Higher Power... what do you think He/She/It wants for you? Do you believe it? If you're not sure... you can borrow my Higher Power till you find the One for you. You are loved... HP does want you to be happy and wants the best for you... once you believe your HP can restore your sanity, it will come to you.
You are taking your recovery to the next level dear lady. You're getting there bit by bit. Yes, it is so hard. But the work is worth it. Think of where you were and where you are now. It may not be in the place you want to be or think you should be at the moment. But bit by bit, step by step you are growing and learning and getting stronger every moment. I'm proud of you. It does hurt and the isolation is not always a good thing. But we all do that at times.
HP does have a plan for us, and I often wonder what that is. Sometimes a hint would be nice. But that's not gonna happen, so I guess I just have to be surprised.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
There was a writing in HOPE FOR TODAY that spoke of the concept of a HP as a "Bele master." For those not familiar with rock climbing a "Bele master" is some where associated with the face of the rock giving various tensions of rock to the climber. The catch is that the climber has to communicate to the Bele Master--where they're at, if they're fatigued, if they are tight, if they're loose in the rope, et cetera. In other words, if the climber wants the Bele master to do his job, the climber has to do his and communicate. And I thought, How simple! What a beautiful analogy for a relationship with god! If I don't make my needs, my problems, my every day livings made clear to god, I can't be upset when I don't get them met. I read in DAILY REFLECTIONS "God is not a cosmic bellboy..." and that enhances this concept of "God as Bele master": ultimately, god can only do what god can do, and ultimately, I can only do what I can do. The rest is time, time time.
