The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night, me and my A (abstinent 3 years) had a talk about my feelings of not being included in his life anymore, since he is so intent on his recovery and considers it "his", a very personal fight, one he must do himself. Don't get me wrong, I completely support his efforts in every way I can, but I've just been feeling very lonely lately and I need him...
His response was typical of him. He basicaly said that it is my problem, that I need to work it out myself,that he must concentrate on his recovery, that he has his own road to travel and that I must travel my own also. Oh, he also threw in that I was just jealous that he was doing so well. That really helped!
So 10 minutes later, he gets a call from an A. friend, who relapsed just recently, and his girlfriend was throwing him out. My A. spent an hour on the phone with him, helping him, consoling him, encouraging him. He then left to go have a coffee with him and talk it out. I cried.
This morning, my A. left for a weekend camping trip with other recovering A's. I was not invited.
My A. does a wonderful job of helping others, he sponsers 2 A's, and seem to be the "unofficial" sponser of many others. I understand that this is necessary for his own recovery and I support it. I just wish he would give me a bit more of his "new self" rather than this tough love method he has been using. It makes me feel as if I am unworthy of his support since I am not an A. (Bit of background: both my parents were A's. My mother quit when I was 10, but without any support so I guess she was what is called a "dry drunk" which can be just as bad...Later on, my father became very sick and I was the only one around to take care of him. Both have passed away now)
I'm really sorry for burdening you guys with all of this...I've been reading the previous posts and my complaints really seem frivolous compared to what some of the people around here are going through. Many of you have active A's and my heart and prayers go out to all of you. My A. has been sober for 3 years and is going strong, I should be happy right? I feel very selfish right now and feel horrible about myself. Once again, I am getting those feelings that it is all my fault, that I deserve what I get.
I know that I need to take care of me, but I have been taking care of others for so long, first my parents and now A. and the kids, that I am not sure how anymore...
Your story is very similar to mine. My AH was in recovery for a little over a year, and still completely self involved. He would spend 14 hours a day on the computer in AA chat rooms on his off days. Whenever I said that I needed more time with him, he would become defensive and more closed off. He told me the same thing . . . I needed to work on me and have my own life, while he had his.
We separated 6 months ago, because I could no longer stand just living with someone as a distant, cold roommate. Yes, I had and still have my issues. We who have been affected by alcohol (my mom and step dad were a's as well), have many things to work through. However, I came to realize that it was not a problem for me to desire a close, loving relationship with my husband. I think many alcoholics use the "we just need to work on ourselves" as an excuse to continue avoiding intimacy. So many alcoholics have a very hard time with close relationships.
I know this is especially hurtful when we have tried to hard to hold everything together and stayed with them through so much turmoil . . . then, when they're in "recovery," we think things will become "normal," that we will have our husbands back. It is just so painful to have someone you love not want to be with you and not want to share their lives with you . . . but just leave you on the outskirts of their lives. They do need time for their recovery, and you need your time, but I firmly believe there should also be husband and wife time . . . time together.
I have no advice; we can only share our experience, strength and hope. I asked my husband if he would go to counseling, but he told me that he was done discussing relationship issues 24/7. He filed for divorce last week and over these last six months he won't hardly talk to me, answer any phone calls, or answer any e-mails. I think it is because he knows he is in the wrong. I think he is afraid to talk with me, because I knew him during his addiction, during his recovery, and know the AA/Alanon lingo. He can't BS me anymore.
I love him, even now. I wish so much things could be different, but I just couldn't live in that cold house anymore (it wasn't a home).
I hope the best for you. Maybe counseling would help . . . sometimes a third party helps . .. seems like the wives are always the last ones they listen to or make amends to.
I still have a small ember in my heart that has this silly hope that maybe he'll change and I'll get this call that he wants me, etc . . . but for the most part, I live in reality. He has a disease that has affected him on so many levels . . I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. I am not wrong for having needs as a wife.
I wish the best for you . .. because you deserve it!!
I was expecting to get a response about how to work on myself, that I need to deal and accept the situation, basically confirming what my AH said to me.
It felt so good for someone to tell me that what I am feeling is OK, that we have needs also. It's not a question of being right or wrong, but of being aknowledged.
I think that is what has been missing for me, being aknowledged. I feel like I have become invisible lately and need some attention. And if that is selfish or jealous, so be it, I am only human, with faults and with weaknesses...
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It seems so unfair that we put up with their b.s. for so long while they are active and suffer so much, but when they are in recovery, they are ready to give up on us so easily.
My ex wife had been in AA for a year and a half when she filed for divorce, I had been attending Al-anon for 8 months. I had visions of us being one of those "recovery couples" I see in the program. But it wasnt meant to be, she didnt have the same vision. And that's okay. I didn't like it at the time, but I had enough al-anon in me to know that I had done all I could do, I couldn't make her be who I wanted her to be, anymore than she could do that with me.
IMHO, it is not only right for you to decide what you want from a marriage/relationship..but I believe it is a must! I know expectations is a "bad" word around al-anon...but REASONABLE expectations are .. well reasonable!
Your A says he has to live his life the way he is for HIS recovery from the disease of alcoholism. Good for him! He is learning what he has to do to remain sober..and also as the AA program says he is trudging down the trail to happy destiny...his goal being happy joyous and free!
We have the same goal. We have to learn what we have to do to become happy, to gain some serenity in our lives.
I am not giving you any advice either, merely wanted to tell you that your feelings are yours. And you have a right to them. And it IS okay for us to be selfish sometimes.
Those "recovery couples" I mentioned earlier...the thing that they have that I admire so much is mutual respect. Yes, they love each other...but they also respect each other..and manage to each work their respective programs, but set aside time for each other as well. Because they know that, just as with their respective programs, their "marriage" program cant work either if they don't devote time to it as well. Now they all had to have time! They didnt get that way over night. And some didnt get that way with the partner they were with when they began their programs, some did, some didnt! I don't know what a reasonable time is...cuz there isnt one...it is different for everyone, but I guess that is why in the beginning we do have to work harder on ourselves, so we can get to a place of self awarness, to know what it is that we really want for our lives....and not just be still caught up in the world of addiction or codependency from which we came!
I have often felt totally pushed to the side by my A boyfriend. One thing that helped me so so much in coming to this room was that the feelings I had of jealousy and loss were ok. I just did not need to act on them. These days I do not feel as left out of the A's lfe and it is because I have al-anon. I think it is also because I actively began to work on a plan b and focused on my own life.
