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the past couple of weeks have been such a rollercoaster. i was totally focused on just me and living my life and was really enjoying it. so one night i went out with my friends and met someone. my a and i have been separated for about a month and a half now but we are still speaking and he is focused on getting me back and making it work again. i dont know if it ever can though. anyways...so this new guy i speak to for hours at a time every day and so far is everything i have ever wanted in a man. he is not an a. but the dilemma here is i dont know if i want to keep dating him. i just dont think im ready for this. i believe people come into your life for a reason. i just dont know if i should pursue it or not. what is wrong with me? i find someone that makes me really happy and makes me feel good and i dont want anything to happen here? i just dont get it. i know a big factor is i dont exactly have closure with my a. i still love him of course and i know its up to me to cut of all ties with him but i dont exactly want that. but i also dont want to get back together anytime soon. i want to work on me. ahhhh i just dont know what to do. please offer anything you can or if you've had a similar situation.
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
I think one of my cardinal issues with dating was not being able to sit with the ambivalence. When I met the A all of 6 years ago I was dating for the first time in my life. I was profoundly uncomfortable with it. I think I was far far more comfortable with intensity. My dating was for the most part rather low key. That was good for me. I just found it totally unfamiliar. I think after a long long roller coaster with an A to meet someone who is calm and collected might feel rather foreign. I don't think there is a question of a timeline when you have to decide in a new relationship when it is that you have to commit. I always always always commited way too early. That was a huge issue for me. I wish I had been able to sit in ambivalence more I would not be with the A then.
When my "A" and I seperated some time ago he said that he was not going to be seeing anyone for a year, I adopted the same idea. I decided to take a year to focus on me, and I did that.
In the mean time I met someone, online. I lived on the West Coast, he lived on the East. I thought I was falling for him. He was kind and understanding. He was oh so sweet. Well he may be all those things, I will never know. He said he was an "A" but he was an addict. I woke up real fast.
A few months after that a friend of mine introduced me to someone. He hugged me, and I just met him! Ewwwwww. The second he touched me all I thought about was how wrong it was because my heart still belonged to my "A".
Take care of you hun, and do what you think is best for you. If you are having doubts, then maybe it isn't the right time for you.
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I look at this a bit differently than some others might. Dating him does not mean you have to make any sort of commitment. A pleasant dinner out, or a play or a club, a concert, or dancing seems to be a good thing right now. I say go for it, making sure he understands this is for fun only, and you are not getting serious. Enjoy life!! It's short. Heaven knows you deserve it.
With all good wishes for some great evenings, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I agree with Diva, with one additional caveat! So soon after your last relationship, and understanding that you are coming to al-anon for a reason (as do I! ) .. be sure that YOU understand that this is just for fun only and that you aren't ready to get serious.
That's one of the reasons the program recommends getting some "recovery" under your belt before you get into relationships again. We need to get our stuff "straight" too!
Gosh, I feel way outta my league b/c I haven't been in your shoes... but I feel compelled to say that al-anon suggests that we not make any huge decisions until we have at least 6 months of recovery. You've probably been in the rooms a while, but you've just separated. Maybe you could consider that al-anon guideline; you may need more time; sounds like your heart is telling you that you need time for you.
My initial response to the new guy thing is: find balance in your mind about this new man. You can have a new guy in your life -- just like the others said, to have fun. Go out and have fun, laugh, dance... go!!! and w/o guilt! You don't have to make a commitment or give your heart to this new guy; he's not a replacement for your husband is he? As long as you are honest and up front with him about where you are in your life, what you want/need from the relationship and what you can give. And if he's okay with that, then great! And,... you can still have time for you... maybe balance your time and energy between yourself and being/talking with him. He can be a part of taking care of yourself by providing an outlet of fun and enjoyment... I hope this makes sense!!!
Looking back on my dating years, I had no idea what I was doing. Well, I do... in a warped sense of trying to snag a husband b/c I was so desperate to get married. I just didn't realize that dating could be for just having fun, getting to know people, and hopefully,finding someone I was compatible with and enjoyed being with. I wish I would've listened to my heart more. I wish I would've heeded the red flags. I wish I would've looked for a friend -- a true friend instead of "marriage material." My hubbie had everything good on paper, but he was no white knight on a fast horse. Why did I put up with the crap he put me through when we were dating? oh yeah... I was sick! And now,.... I try to remind myself, God has a plan that He'll work out, despite my decisions. Though it's been hard alot of times, we've both grown, we're both now in recovery and finding new friends in one another. Plus, we have two beautiful sons together. well, that's off topic...
my point is, datingshould be fun... have fun, but have balance in your life too. Listen to your heart and follow its leading.
) .. be sure that YOU understand that this is just for fun only and that you aren't ready to get serious. 