The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Mostly this is just a vent but I'm sure lots of other people experience this frequently if not everyday. I'm so tired of being scapegoated and blamed for things that go wrong in my A's life. He's been late for work twice this week and says, its my responsibility to wake him up. Well, I get up at 6:30am, feed the kids, get them dressed, myself dressed, make lunches, etc. He only has to wake up, get himself ready and get himself and the kids out the door for school. How hard is that. My life is still as busy and chaotic as it was when i was driving them, at this point it doesn't seem to make much difference whether I drive them to school or not. So he's late because I didn't wake him up. Granted we do not have an alarm clock that has two alarm settings. I get busy, I forget, so I'm the bad guy because he's late. Honestly I don't want the responsibility of waking his butt up. I don't want the responsibility of taking over things that should be his. The icing on the cake for me is, He hasn't slept in our bed for a week, he's preoccupied with everyone and everything else except his family. I have tried twice to have an adult conversation with him about our budget, could be anything, he's not interested, and yet I'm not taking the things in his life seriously. Honestly they are not serious to me or to this family, the things he chooses to put his time and energy into is frivilous and a hobby at best, not anything to give up that much time with family. He doesn't see that. According to him he's spending plenty of time with me and the kids.
I'm feeling very unimportant and unfullfilled in my relationship right now. I've requested time with him he doesn't want to make it. Makes me very sad and I feel lonely as well. Angry because all I feel like is the person who organizes his life and catches all the balls gets thrown his way so his life can feel smooth and perfect. Meanwhile I'm miserable and feeling unloved, unappreciated and lonely. Sorry to lay this on everybody. I guess this is the aftermath of a relapse that occurred last Friday, he has not been the same since. Weird behavior, etc. Still not sure if he's using outside of the home or what. I have alternatives to have me time, but not feeling really good about it. We were supposed to go out together tomorrow but right now I'm asking myself what for? He doesn't talk to me that much when we're out and everything I seem to want to talk about he does not show interest in. Its like talking to myself. Hell I'd have more fun if I was by myself at least I get to do what I like.
Thanks for letting me vent, hope everyone has a great weekend.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
When the A. is drinking, we have no choice but to take on all the responsibilities of the household. We pay the bills, worry about the budget, take care of the kids and their needs, take care of the home and of the A. We forget ourselves
Part of our hopes and prayers is that, once the A. is in recovery, he will assume his responsibilities and take some of the weight off our shoulders. We understand that, right now, he cannot help us. Once the A. goes into recovery, he seems to spend so much energy on himself that he forgets everyone else who needs him. AA teaches them that they have to concentrate on their own recover in order to be successful. But doesn’t a complete recovery include reassuming the responsibilities that were abandoned? So the A. is recovering but we still find ourselves with all the responsibilities, but feeling even more frustrated since the A. SHOULD and CAN assume his responsibilities but does not.
I am still trying to understand how this is supposed to work… If both A.A. and Al-Anon has each partner working on their own healing separately, how are we expected to come together?
I have worked really hard to side step those issues. I used to take responsibility for everything. I think when we are at a point where we see it may be easier alone that is a huge point.
Life with an active A is hell there is no other word for it. Detaching from that is a huge part of the work. Some of us along the way choose to leave, others to stay. I respect either decision I know how hard it is to live through that. I think the A's also do a thing called splitting they live in very black and white terms. I no longer live in the black and white world with him. I live in the grays the trying to make the best of stuff. Nevertheless I have many many issues I can empathise with the A, frustration, low self esteem among them. The issue for me is that I no longer put his issues before mine.
