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Hi, I am new to Al-Anon and these forum. My husband has been sober for 3 years and is very active in A.A.
When he was drinking, I used to hope an pray that things would get better, if he could only stop drinking, everything would be alright…
Well, it isn’t. His recovery has made a new man of him, everything I had hoped for, but he only seems to share this newfound passion for life with this friends.
At home he is moody, uninterested, doesn’t help out with the chores, watches T.V. all evening, while me and the kids play board games, begging him to join in and spend some time with us. With his friends, he’s the life of the party, very attentive, always ready to help out, always smiling… I find myself encouraging him to invite his friends over all the time, just to be able to share in his “recovery”.
He has worked on doing his 9th step and has succeeded with his friends. They love and appreciate him very much. But I put up with his alcoholism for 11 years… don’t I deserve a “9th” also? Shouldn't he be making amends with me and his family foremost? Or am I just being selfish (which was what he responded to me when I spoke to him about it) ? I understand his need for his A.A. community and support it wholeheartedly. But I need him too...
I’m frustrated, mad, and sad. And I’m not sure what to do anymore.
Sounds like we have the same emotions today. I can relate quite well to your frustration. My A does not appear interested in doing family things either. I'm sorry you are hurting right now. Its understandable. I also would like to be part of step 9, my A feels that he's able to make amends to me/kids everyday by staying sober and keeping his job. I think at this point if there is anything that has happened over the years that I need to hear I'm sorry and explanation of why then I think I'm going to have to ask him directly to say those words. If I don't get specific with him, I don't think he'll catch my suttle cues.
My sponser also told me that his recovery will not look like my recovery and that I needed to stay out of his recovery. That has been hard. He doesn't appear to be the man that I thought he would be sober. Honestly I had no idea what sobriety would look like. Its still imperfect and messy at times. There is still so much growth that needs to happen. My hope and prayer is that one day he'll be able to express to us and show us how much he loves and cares for us by getting more involved. I think we're amazing people, hopefully he won't miss getting to know us. Hang in there, progress not perfection.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I do hope you come back. One of the hardest things I've had to learn in Al Anon is that I do not "deserve" anything in this program. I do not "deserve" an amend; I do not "deserve" a persons sobriety; I do not "deserve" a person's love, or respect, acceptance, or their tolerance.
So why do I feel I do?
Because I've survived a very sick, very insane situation, and I want someone to acknowledge my suffering. Namely, the person who caused it. I want the person who is the direct cause of my "misery" to show me that they understand that they *are* the direct cause of my "misery," that they accept responsibility for their role in my misery, and that they are willing to lessen my "misery."
But, generally speaking, this is not to be.
I heard in an Al Anon to think of alcholism as if it were something along schizophrenia. A schizoprenic, it was explaned, genuinely believes their delusions, their misperceptions, their insanities--and alcholism is defined among the drug and alchol treatment community as "the disease of perceptions and realities." Your husband--like my father; like my mother; like my best friend; like the woman whose son has yet to make amend....--is still suffering from his delusions.
He is well aware of his guilt. He is well aware of the grief he caused you. He is well aware of the hell he put you through. But what he is doing right now is living amends--he is learning how to live his program with the people he has affected most. High order? You bet. Impossible? Not at all. Your husband is in the process of owning the enormity of his insanity that he wrought upon you.
In the mean time, go to face to face al anon meetings. Pick up the book, Alcholics Anonymous, "The Big Book." It gives good details how AA works and how alcholic insanity destroys a family. Keep asking questions and keep an open mind.
Helo Hope , you don't say if you are attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself perhaps u wont feel so out of the loop if you get your own program . The alcoholic isnot the only one who has to change we do too. For me it is the best way to support their effforts.
Do u deserve a 9th step ??? of course u do but they are not always formal like it says in the book sometimes all an A can do is stay sober and that has to be enough . Changing thier behavior and not doing what they used to do is also an amends of sorts.
Start making amends to yourself get your own program get happy regardless of what he is doing . good luck Louise
I'm so glad you found MIP! This is a wonderful place for people who have been affected by their loved ones drinking, active or not. Because we are affected, most often we need recovery too. That's where AlAnon and MIP comes in.
Unfortunately, my A is still active. So I really don't know much about your situation, but would like to really encourage you to stick around. There are alot here who know exactly what you are going thru.
You might want to attend a f2f meeting for AlAnon or there are online meetings here you can check out. There is also a lot of literature for AlAnon you might enjoy. I just got my copy of Courage to Change a great collection of people in AlAnon sharing their experiences and a short devotional to reflected on. This book is really helping me to sort thru my feelings.
There are several replies here and each person has shared their experience. For me, I have to say that I do believe we who have been affected by alcoholism deserve amends. Whether that actually happens or not is another matter. More importantly, what it means to you is what really matters. For some, they can do just what many people posted . . . they can see their husband's continued sobriety, working, etc. as a form of amends, and do not need any direct amends (or can live without it and not be bitter about it).
Part of my recovery has been actually becoming aware of my needs and wants. For me, I want a husband who is close, loving, and shares his life with me. My AH (now in recovery) has the ability to do this, because I have experienced it for short intervals at times. However, he has chosen to not do this, and to not take any steps to try. I don't know why. Is it just too hard for him to be close to someone? Is it easier to have more superficial relationships or ones that are just about the program or business, than it is to really be vulnerable with a spouse? On and on I an wonder . . .but the reality is, I lived in a very cold, lonely world with him. Yes, I did things on my own and I could have created a life on my own . . . but this is not what I wanted. I believe it is not all I was worth. Do I deserve a loving husband . . . I don't know . . . but I do know that I wanted one, and there is no reason that his needs and wants should outweigh mine.
Your feelings or thoughts are yours . . . don't apologize for them or feel guilty for them . .. you are just as much of a person as your a is.
From my experience, nagging or talking about these issues with my AH (in recovery) didn't help much. I think only counseling would have been an option for us . . . but he refused.
Yes, you DO deserve it. One of the first things I learned about an alcoholic in recovery, is that you will know if they are truly "getting it" by the level of humility they are willing to feel/share.
For me...a recovering alcoholic...WANTS to balance the scale to the people they have hurt the most. Especially to a spouse and/or children who have lived thier lives centered around the self-centeredness for so many years.
A truly recovered alcoholic understands that, and is willing to give, give, give...not only to themselves...but first and foremost to thier families. The spouse of a recovering alcoholic has to re-learn how to get, get, get...and not feel one ounce of guilt for it!
It's called balance, and we all deserve to feel it.
I have gone through much of this with my A boyfriend (who is not in recovery). He cannot do enough for family, friends and acquaintances. I have had to beg for a few scraps from him. Lately I have been setting limits and meaning them. I am ready to go. I am actively in plan B (it may not be going as fast as I want). Having limits helps. I don't think limits appear overnight. I think they may evolve as being part of this program. I do not know your family background but mine is one of active alcoholism. Alcoholism runs rampant in my family of origin. Addiction is the centerpiece of the way I grew up. There were no limits in my family of origin.
Now there are lots of limits in my life. I will not work in certain conditions. I will not work for people who scream and shout. I will not tolerate certain things. I also have clear boundaries about what can and can't happen in my home.
I have found throwing myself into recovery is helpful. I no longer rely on my boyfriend to fill emotional needs. I get my emotional needs met elsewhere. He has proven over and over again he is not willing ot address them. The issue is I address them.
I think one of the core issues I have had to deal with in recovery (recovery of all sorts) is fantasy. I had some mirage like image of what recovery would be like. Somewhere out of the blue the life I deserved would fall in my lap. It has not but my life 6 months into al-anon is infiinitely better. I no longer feel alone, I can tell my truth and I can be who I am here. That has not been possible in my life before.
My husband has been sober 5 years now. I'm very grateful for this. To not be living w/active drinking. I know my husband has God/hp but he doesn't go to AA. He says the only time he thinks about drinking is when he goes to those meetings because that is all they talk about.
Someone at a meeting suggested my husband could benefit from alanon. And it was like "Duh!" Why that thought ever cross my mind? My husband is also acoa.
Our lives are so much better. Sobriety doesn't solve everything, as you know.
What I am missing right now is the way my husband acted when he was newly sober. I went from living with a dead person to living with a very affectionate man who was expressive. He said he felt as if he was meeting me for the first time. You might call it a honeymoon stage.
I am still a work in progress. I'm still affected by growing up with an alcoholic father. I want intimacy and yet don't want too much. I feel as if we are growing apart with our hectic schedules. Sometimes it is so hard for me to open up to him. Baby steps.
Yesterday we went out to dinner. That was nice to have some time alone.
Hang in there. My husband referred to the trainwreck of destruction the disease caused our family. I'm sure you husband is feeling it too.
Welcome to MIP, so glad you decided to join us - hope that you will continue on the road to recovery.
I will post this afternoon an anniversary post giving a little more detail about my story, but I wanted to let you know that my AH has 3 plus years in sobriety - he has never came to me and said the words "I apologize for the he#$ I put you through during the 10 plus years of active drinking/using". He said "I'm sorry" a million times during the active years and changed nothing.
But what he has done is learned to live as an active amends. He is working on changing his old behaviors - not all are gone completely - it is a process - It does take time - Saying "I'm sorry" would have meant nothing to me - Changing his actions - that is what I can believe.
I hope that you will continue your search for answers in your recovery from the affects of this horrible disease - Find a f2f meeting, a sponsor and a support group like MIP that will help you-For me this has made my life worth living.
Living Life One Day at a Time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
A schizoprenic, it was explaned, genuinely believes their delusions, their misperceptions, their insanities--and alcholism is defined among the drug and alchol treatment community as "the disease of perceptions and realities." Your husband--like my father; like my mother; like my best friend; like the woman whose son has yet to make amend....--is still suffering from his delusions. 
High order? You bet. Impossible? Not at all. Your husband is in the process of owning the enormity of his insanity that he wrought upon you. 