The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its funny when you get to that point of not having anymore, I can finally set lots of limits with the A. After all I am not going to entertain it anymore. I can finally say I have had enough. I think it must be my huge martyr complex that made me feel I had to endure. I could never say to him this is non-negotiable my abandonment issues were too out there. Now I can but the issue is that I am not staying in the relationship so why is it only when I am out the door that I can set limits. I can kid myself and say that I have always had limits but I have not really had "real" limits before. I had to be ready to go to have limits and my attachment issues were such that I was not ready to go till now. Now I am really ready I can say NO. Before then it was a very weak no, I made plenty of noise sure but I did not mean it. Now I mean it.
The way I see it once you have had enough and don't care anymore it is easier to stick to boundaries because you have nothing to lose. You have pretty much decided that what you had you don't want anyway so if you lose it you have lost nothing.
I had the same problem with my A son. I would say no, then a week later he could talk me into saying yes to the same thing. He had different reasons that time.
They say an A has to hit bottom before recovery can begin. The same was true for me. Once I got fed up with the lies and manipulation, I had hit my bottom. I then said "no" and meant it.
It took a few times for him to get the message, but he did get it. I stopped jumping every time he had a crisis. Now he calls and tells us what is going on, just to keep us informed.
We detached and made him figure things out for himself.
This is just my story take it for what it's worth.
The A was driving around without insurance. I made him go get some. He found a deal that is not as much as he was paying before. I don't really much care about the long term logistics of his business, his life anymore. I care about what affects me. The truck is mine. If he smashes it up which he has proven over and over again, I will lose it all. I made a super critical error of having his name on the truck. He does not have another vehicle at the moment so he is not going to give it up. I will never ever be that generous again that was a charactor defect on my part. Nevertheless it doesn't mean I deserved to get my truck smashed up.
I try to work on my plan b as much as I can. I am eternally grateful to people here who have supported me on that. I have had enough I know that much. How I am going to get out is a big issue with lots of obstacles many of them financial, others logistical but I will not be here next summer saying he has totalled the truck (which is inevitable). I may not like the choices I have to make but I am making them.
The irony is that his mother has now announced she is getting married next month to some man in another state and moving. Her presence has been a huge issue between us. I don't see her leaving as a way he will be in recovery but it is a dramatic move between him and his brother (who will be made homeless by her move). That is a tetonic shift. Needless to say his mother is hugely dysfunctional, she announced last night she is not telling her best friend who she speaks to five times a day and practically lives with. I can see where he gets his denial and secrecy. She is 70 so its not like she is 16 and she has not dated anyone for 15 years since his father died. I don't even try to make sense of what she says about this marriage. I just observe and say nothing. I also know I do not have enough recovery and detachment to go the "reception". His mother has been very very very rude to me. I am not going to put myself in a position where she ever gets to say those things to me again so I bow out.
I can see that if and when I do move out he will probably have his brother move in and both their addiction(s) will escalate but that is none of my business anymore. All I care about at the moment is working to lessen the effects of his current addiction. That's it. No more, no less and of course my own exit strategy which is complicated by poverty, ill health and resources. But hey who said it would be easy?
