The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
wrote you guys and fell asleep in my chair. woke to a half grown choc lab/red dobi pup licking my face.
My first thought was he is gone again.
Ya see he was him again. But at the jail ya had to talk on a phone and ya have glass between you.
He was pink skinned and less wrinkly, rested,smiling laughed. I could feel him, knew it was him.
I wanted so bad to get to see him right when he got out, I have missed him so much. But all I got was, to have a piece of glass between us.
It isn't that I don't get to live with him or any of that. I just had hope he might have a bit,even a few minutes to be ok. And maybe I could feel him, him. really him, kiss me one more time.
Hp knew best. He knew I needed what I got. He showed me, again, who A was. He did not allow the A to cont. to give me hope and touch me and love me and make me feel the real him again. Becuz inevitably, in time, A would have gone for the other side/dark side again and it would have hurt me all the more.
Hp always knows best. Never what you think may be. I know A loves me, I know he is tortured and sick and now even sicker after seeing me fall apart.
Today, I found out before he went to jail, he had had a heart attack. I didn't know about this. My friend who I grew up with and loves Rick too, told me he does not have long to live. She lost her husband to alcoholism too. He was a friend of my A's. A very nice mellow guy.
had my hand cuffs with me. had the keys in my pocket. I was thinking about cuffing him and then what? As I sat there in pain, telling him how I loved him all my life, I have let some beautiful, successful, loving men go, becuz my heart loved him.
He said he was wrong to write what he did and say what he did. I had asked him, if you had a million other places to go, you want to come home? He had told me yes. then today, he says he never wants to live up here again, he does not want the animal sanctuary, how our lives together was always about me. Whatever that means.
I said well that is your fault, you could have had the balls to tell me what was important to you and what you wanted.
He lived in his first wives garage, he lived in his moms garage, then he last lived in his friends garage, the one who just died. I said A what makes you think you are not good enough to have a home?
said he likes it that way. He grew up in a old gas station turned into a house. the left was a huge garage. The right was a very cute house upstairs. It was a cute place, kept up nice. But he and his now dead brother would fix cars in the garage and hide in there when his dad beat his mom in the house.
My A likes to hide. He told me today, I knew you would track me down. He always told me he could never figure out how I could find him anywhere. I told him, don't you feel it? I went to him and put my arms around him. I said see, see you cannot feel you separate from me. I cannot feel you separate from me either. And I can't.
I don't know if you guys understand or have that. I feel like one person with him. I told him when I let him go, now I get to live my life half a person with a huge hole in my abdomen.
He knows it. He does not know what to do with light and love and home and our new grandbaby.
Seemed so weird to me. I felt hp with me the whole time. I thought how if I was worldly, I would have taken my pistol and shot them both and me. I thought how the darkness would have loved that.
I told him, remember Job? Remember how he just sat there and said,"bring it on." He never went to the darkness and everything, even his health was taken away.
I will not turn my back on hp no matter what.
When I hugged him, I was sitting in the passenger seat of the van. He was standing there. I put my arms around him and told him I was so sorry he lost his friend. I told him I was so sorry he was so sick. Then I told you about the not being separate. He wiped tears off his face. Then said I have to go. I said, why, ya starting to feel something? then I let go and that is when I crumpled.
I had nothing left to say, nothing left, glad I didn't die there. I thought about how when you are so down, ya don't feel, or I didn't. I could only close my eyes as the fluid in my body left, and all these videos played in my head.
I haven't experienced that before. I kept thinking, someone is going to open this door and I am going to fall out. I wanted to have an ambulance come and take me away.
Then the gate to Eden came into my mind and the dogs and Tavish, and I realized I did want to come home.
I thought about how people run from pain of loss, and I am the opposite. I want to feel every bit of it. I want to live thru it. Get it over with. I thought about how Hp made marriage. And how he and the wife and husband are all in it together. I apologized for getting him into this, and I said I bet you are so tired of this too.
I think it is unpleasant for me, but think about how hp must feel.
My thinking is, and this is MY thinking, he allowed his own son to die for the creation, humans that he really loves. that to me means he loves us so very much. To see me go thru this, and A be so tortured, must be horrible.
This is what makes me stay married. I made promises, I am not free so I go on and learn, and love what I do have.
no one probably wants to read this. there is no one else who understands. If I had somewhere to go to get some comfort I would.
so I gottta put all his stuff away until I can let it go.I am not angry enough to have a bonfire yet. I'll just put the tools he has left with mine. My son has his pickup. Its a cool four wheel drive chevy. I have all his discharge papers, birth cert. all that.
no matter. soon I will wake up and think about how I get to ride Elgin, or my grandson Noah sprout and raini will be here.
Maybe someday a nice lady will move in here with me and share eden.
Maybe someday I will wake up and I will have a nice man to spoil and love. One who will love having a shop and fences to fix. One who will love the view here and appreciate the frogs so loud ya cannot hear the tv.
I like me, and I am ok. But if I get the chance, I am sharing Eden with someone, some day.
thanks for all your great responses. and yes fannie is a corker. she looks just like Babe in that movie. I keep expecting her to say la la laa.....
I let her in here with me and she ate cherrios off the floor. She is so clean and pretty.
thank you for all your posts and sharing. love,debilyn
Debilyn the man who loves you is Rick. The cold one is the disease. I know at the moment that you are probably questioning his decision to go to her and not you and your self esteem is in pieces. Cry your heart out chicken and please don't ever think that you have been made a fool of. Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. Remember that happy go lucky girl he married in the first place you had wonderful qualities as a human being then and still do now. On this board we love you with all our heart. Please keep reaching out to us if need us. You know one of us will be here whatever time it is. (((()) all the way from Australia. Luv Leo xxx
Reading your post brought back a book I haven't read in awhile. I think it was called "Goddess in Everywoman," by Jean Bolen. If I remember right, this psychologist was a follower of Jungian psychology which refers a lot to Greek myths. Her idea was every woman is either primarily identified with men, children or other women. Women who are primarily identified with men are like Hera, the Goddess/wife of Zeus. They live and breathe for their men. Women who are primarily identified with their children are like the Goddess Demetress whose whole life was her daughter Persephone. And women who primarily identify with other women are like the sister Goddess Artemis. Athena, whose name I picked for my mip identity was a maiden goddess like Artemis, a warrior like men, and apt to stay in her head far too much and too long.
I had to read this book over and over to get it. I think my mom clung to my dad until the day he died because he validated that she had been young and movie star beautiful. Neither of them ever forgot that. My mom always talked about all her dates. I'm not sure there were 2nd dates or boyfriends. I think her neediness from her orphan childhood showed to anyone who was healthy. My dad grew up with a dysfunctional or alcoholic family and could not spot the signs. Nor could my mom see that my dad would become an alcoholic. Neither of them had anything to give to the other. I think John Bradshaw said 1/2 + 1/2 in these situations makes 1/4 or less, and we who are wounded when we marry do not become whole as we may think we will.
I believe wholeheartedly in marriage and hate the idea of divorce, but I do think the fact that even the strictest churches and religions allow it, speak to its necessity. I worked counseling women for many years. I don't think I ever brought up divorce. I saw women endure terrible physical, verbal, emotional, psychological and financial etc abuse. The focus of my agency was physical and emotional safety and planning for physical and emotional safety. We provided education, information and support. We did not advise. I was very grateful for this. It really taught me to listen. If I was a codependent and enabler in my personal life I was not one in my work. Eventually, and presently that attitude with the help of Alanon and acoa meetings and readings is catching on. Most of the women I worked with I would say were primarily identified with other women--a very few were lesbians. I believe they did this work because of what they saw in their own families and on behalf of their mothers. It was a real eyeopener to me to learn fromall these women regardless of their orientation and be a friend to other women, and be befriended in a very emotionally intense atmosphere.
Debilyn, In your writings, You have been an amazing friend to me and I am sure to so many others on this board. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
As to men, our society is ruinous to boys. If they come from dysfunctional families, and then enter into our macho culture where their feelings are virtually destroyed, their future partners and children will pay for it.
Thanks for the sharing of your life and love, Debilyn.
Debilyn, I finally joined this group. You know me and I know how bad your a hurting. Please remember this is a disease and nothing you can do will ever change that. I am always here for you Deb. I love you like a sister. Camille
I read every word of your post and I understand every word.
What you feel for your husband is the same that I feel for mine. My husband is higher functioning than your husband, he still works a full time job, but in so many other ways they are similar.
We have one cat. We always wanted a dog too, but my husband said no. I used to do what I wanted anyway and he would move out...sigh...so I would always give in as long as it was reasonable. I got a dog from my friend when she moved into an apartment that did not allow dogs and my husband moved out. Aftera few days I realized that I had made the wrong choice, a dog should be a FAMILY decision and I should not have gotten a dog without my husband's permission (if he wanted a monkey and I said no and he got one anyway...I would have hit the ceiling!). I tried to have my friend find another home for the dog but she could not so I had to take it to a shelter. That was really hard but my husband went with me and helped. If I wanted a lovely beautiful wondrous place like "Potter's Eden" (and I do...sigh) I too would lose my husband. He loves nature too, so it took me years to figure this out.
I finally realized that my husband has to be #1 in my life. If he can't be number one, then he would rather be number zero. That is how he, and apparantly your husband, think. My husband has barely been able to allow room for our daughter, but since she is just one, he has been able to share me with her. He would have never been able to have any more children. "We" would have gotten lost in the shuffle and he could not have endured that. He is only happy when my world sort of revolves around him and mostly him.
My husband can't stand the thought that my life revolves around anyone or anythign else but him. He won't say it much, but says it in actions. Just a few weeks ago he was upset with me for days because he said I had acted "dismissively" towards him. I didn't know what he was talking about. We had gone to a retirement party for a family friend and he and I were eating together and talking. He was telling me something when an old friend came up and greeted me and gave me a hug. My husband was FURIOUS that I had momentarily turned my attention from his conversation just to give my old friend a hug...sigh. Not even my daughter was ever like that.
I think it stems from his childhood. He was brought up by cold rather unfeeling parents who were totally insensitive to him and his thoughts and feelings. He and his thoughts were constantly dismissed and ignored. He is a very sensitive thoughtful person who feels things very deeply and this treatment totally wounded him psychologically.
I am the same as my husband, hence my ability to sense that in him. The difference is that I was raised by equally sensitive and loving parents who cared deeply about my feelings and happiness and responded accordingly.
I love my husband, so I try to give him the kind of treatment he needed as a child and did not get. When he expresses that he feels strongly about something I try my very best to accomodate him if I possibly can without giving too much of myself.
I am not a doormat. A couple of times he has crossed my boundaries and I have held my ground. For instance, he hates to have people come over and for the most part I visit my friends at their houses. But when it comes to occasions that require a celebration for our daughter I firmly hold my ground to give her a "normal" life and the appropriate family celebration to which other family members and close friends are invited to.
I have shared with you that occasionally during our 13 year marriage we have separated due mostly to difficulties with me not catering to his every whim, I do have needs of my own you know. As we reconciled and got to know each other better, eventually we seem to have reached a common ground of compromise. I try not limit occasions where I invite people over and he tries to be civil when I do.
Overall, I realized that loving this kind of man is challenging, time consuming and emotionally draining. But it is worth it for me. Yes I have given up a LOT, but I have gotten a lot too.
In appreciation for providing him with a loving environment and the surpreme efforts I make to take his special needs into consideration, my husband is fiercely loyal to me in many ways. He gives extraordinarily too, in different ways. He also tries to help me heal from certain things in my childhood. My parents were very loving to me but they were older and so I had to nearly 100% of the work around the house since by the time they got home from work they crashed. I mowed the lawn, shoveled snow off a LONG driveway, cooked all meals, did ALL of the housecleaning and raised my little brother, all from the age of twelve. It was a heavy burden on me and when I was 16 and got my license my parents made me do all of the shopping too, I even had to do school shopping for me and my brother alone. Anyway, my husband feels so much compassion for me that he tries very hard to make it so that I don't have to do really hard work that is burdensome for me, he feels I have done enough for a lifetime, LOL. He does all of the really heavy and yucky jobs in the house. I do all of the light and everyday cleaning. I think he should help out anyway, but it is touching the way he rushes to do all of the heavy and yucky jobs right away so I don't have to worry about them.
I realized long ago that compromise is not something these types of men take to easily. I can't have my cake and eat it too. Staying in a relationship with my husband has had a cost, a high one, but not so high I was not willing to pay.
My daughter and I had the opportunity to open a stray cat shelter. We wanted to VERY badly, especially my daughter, and we even had a community agency that was going to help us to obtain funding, etc. my husband said that he would divorce me if I did it. You will never know how often I have heard that when I get an idea to do something I want to do.
I made the decision to find another way to help animals and keep my husband. In hindsight I think he was right though. He says that part of his concern is my health, and overdoing it, and he says that if I got sick he would not help out and take over, so better not to do it alone...sigh.
I think most of it is his alcoholism. He tries to keep his life as SIMPLE as possible to allow for his binges. Our daughter is grown and we have a small house, so nothing falls apart for the few days that he can stay drunk 24/7 occasionally when he does not have to work. If daughter or I got sick and he let me have more animals, he would have to care for them and he does not want to do that. I have had pneumonia that has lasted for three weeks that I could barely get out of bed and he knows that he would be cleaning out catboxes and taking dogs outside int he cold and he will not put himself in that situation.
You have made a choice, your animals, and you have to accept that he does not love them as much as you do. But I know that does not help your heart to heal.
I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. What a horrible choice to make too. Your beloved animals or your beloved husband.
My heart goes out to you so much Debilyn in your pain! You sound like I did during my last separation with my husband. I was a total basket case, I literally cried for six months and thought I would die from grief. My friends thought I was nuts, they kept saying I could do better and he was not worth that level of grief. I just could not help myself. I felt as you describe that we were one and there was no other man for me.
My husband too was cold to my tears for a YEAR! He refused to speak to me literally for a year. He just gave me a check every two weeks for groceries and paid the housepayment, that was the limit to our interaction. I would cry and tell him I loved him and try to hug him and he would step away from me, push me away and say that he just did not love me anymore and I should face it and find another man to "annoy" who might be more interested...the jerk. SIGH!
Well...
After about 6 months I finally stopped crying every day. And after nine months I had gotten myself together enough to see a lawyer and file for divorce.
Funny...but it was not until 3 months after that (a total of one year) I REALLY got over him that he wanted to reconcile. That made me REALLY REALLY furious and for months I was not interested, but he said he had it coming and would be patient...and he was. Finally after three more months I decided to give him another chance.
I don't want to give you false hope but maybe if you just go on with your life, stop chasing him down, stop crying and pleading with him to come home he will come around. I NEVER thought my husband would I was really shocked, but he did.
You never know what will happen. But whatever happens you need to take care of YOU and stop chasing after him and t racking him down. That will NEVER work, it never has and I don't think it ever will.
Whatever happens I will have you and your animals in my prayers.
My heart aches for you. I read all your posts, but I am just not good at responding. You are such an open, honest person. Your faith is hp is such an inspiration. You are in my prayers.
Awwwww, honey, I am glad ya didn't die there also. You are such a valuable person.
I understand the other half of you being gone, the hole in the abdomen feeling. You mightn't believe me but it does get better. After a very long time, and many tears, and countless sleepless nites and much healing.
Hold tight to your HP, it sounds as if you have a wonderful relationship with this being. I haven't figured that part of my life out yet so am a little envious.
I wish I had more but will send all the hugs I can. ((((((((((debilyn)))))))))
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
I am glad that you found him. I am so sorry that the disease took a hold of him again. It breaks my heart when this diseases wins. I am glad that you keep your HP so close to you. You always remind to never loose faith. I can't take away your pain. All I can do is send you my love and blessings to you and all Potter's Eden.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am really glad you found him at last. And SOOOOOOOOooooooo sad for the pain you are feeling now sweet lady.
The thing I find hardest about all this is knowing that all the advice I have read,all the books I have read,all the words from friends and family........knowing it's all absolutely 100% correct and right.........yet,I still love my A with all my heart too. And mine too is completely lost in this damned awful disease. And there isn't a darned thing I can do about it other than to try and take care of myself.
My A phoned the other day to find out about my new baby Grandson,and we spoke for a while....and it was HIM I was speaking to,and it felt just warm,and glowing and I felt such love for him. Three hours later I got a nasty email accusing me of forgetting him,abandoning him,yep!!!! He's hit the bottle again,it was the disease talking again,so I didn't respond.
This disease takes everyone down with it,if we let it. You've been an inspiration to me and many others with your faith,strength and your very being. Cry sweet lady and cleanse it all out. Then wrap yourself up with your dear sweet piggies and pooches and remember how much WE all LOVE YOU.
i remember the day i found out my ah was cheating on me. and all the things i did to get thru it. i remember the feeling that you described so well. i felt like i had literally lost my right arm. i could not function. i felt like i wanted to just die. not kill myself, just let death take me. ofcourse he was using at the time and when i found out his using escalated. he got clean. i went back. we worked on things. but i will never forget that feeling. i know that i did what i had to to get thru it all and i don't regret or apoloigize for any of it. some would call it co-dependent and maybe it is. i don't care for the labels i am more connected to the feelings. even as scarred as i am i pray that someday i also will find someone to love fully and completly again. i loved my ah so very much. with all i had in my heart. but it wasn't enough to stop the disease. but i know i tried. we were connected, he asked me the same question everytime i found him "how did you find me?" i don't know i said a prayer and then i did the footwork. i still feel connected to him on some level. that's why divorcing him is hard. i believe that when we got married we created something bigger than both of us. and papers saying that no longer is doesn't mean that it has dissappeared. i am here to tell you that you will survive and the pain will lessen and you will learn to cope. i bet you know all this. you just keep doing whatever it is you need to do to feel better.anything you need to do for you and your peace of mind. this is what is supposed to happen and there is a reason. you are incredible woman and i really respect your views. i will say a prayer for you and yours.
(((((deb)))))))) I can certainly relate to your post. You took the words right out of my mouth by sharing that, and brought tears to my eyes re: just to hold him one more time etc. Why they choose this life over a "good normal"( best in words as I can use) is a mystery to us non-drinkers/users. I had been with my A since I was 15,,married 30 years,,,had it all house,,old cars, great kids, had travelled alot. Then he decided that he was going to leave. Leave to persue his drinking career as I call it. He found his enabler and in turn bought a house with that "evil thing"(as I call her). He said to many I still love her, but I cannot live with her.(me). So he left over 3 years ago, and I tell you there isnt a day that goes by that I dont think of what was, of him, our laughter, our smiles, our togetherness, and our hugs. You have your animals which is great, and now a grandbaby. I have 3 grandkids now, 2 live so far away, but one is close and I dote on him. And of course I have my what I call my dirty little street dog, a dog I rescued from the streets, a little dog who came into my life when things were so dark and grim, shortly after he left. Going to my meetings and sharing , has been a life saver literally. Thought I would share some of my life, let you know you are not alone. And that there is a person like me, that is like you in a very similiar experience out here in cyber space. My heart goes out to you , as I understand....................................................gardengal
Many years ago when my AH was still drinking I got infatuated with my boss.I was so attracted to him I was miserable.Here I was a married woman and he was a married man.I felt that he was also attracted to me,though he never said it.But he was not the cheating kind,went to church,a family man.I was not a cheater either,like you I wanted to please God and honor my vows I had made before Him.So I asked God to make me feel the same things for my AH that I did for my boss.I told God that I am his wife and I wanted to feel that way for him,not for other men.Well,God did it.He gave me a love and attraction for my husband that has never gone away.As cold as he has gotten when he was dry drunk I could not ever hate him.The attraction remains still.
I am not a Bible scholar but it says something in there about man leaving his mother and cleaving to his wife.It says the two shall become as one body.Sadly it seems my A and yours lost the rest of their body.Or rather discarded it.They have that darn disease and it is from....well,not heaven that's for sure.
I agree with you about how HP hurts for us.He gently guides and looks out for us but will not force anything on us.The A's can CHOOSE to find recovery and seek the GOOD.But this disease is very strong,it DOES force things and the A's have to be very strong and really want to get help and support.It's so easy to turn to the dark,that's the easy way.Living for God is hard but worth it.
I am proud of you for sticking with HP no matter what.That is the right thing to do.Your hub has choices too.He has made his.
I thought about you the other day when I was mowing the lawn.My AH is going to an AA campout ( I am not invited even though they do have alanon) and he is working feverishly to get the camper ready.The thought has occured to me that he could be planning to sleep with someone there,maybe someone he met in the program.Then I heard you in my head. "maybe he is,maybe he isn't.I cannot control that.If he finds someone and decides to get a divorce,I will deal with it when it happens.Meanwhile I have a house to take care of and flowers and shrubs to plant.I have to find myself a job that I like and I have much work to do on myself to make MY life better."
I am working on being independent whether we stay together or not.Right now he says he wants to stay together but I cannot trust that,sadly.I feel in my gut that as soon as he finds someone who wants him too he will leave me.
It's that old thing "if you love something set it free...if it comes back to you it is yours,if it doesn't it never was" I have always loved that but I forget about it.
Our men,our A's have choices,free will.We cannot lock them in a room and make them love us.We cannot MAKE them do the right thing or be what we think they should be.God could have MADE us love Him,like robots,doing as He said.He did not want that He wanted us to love him freely of our own will because He knows that is REAL love.If it's good enough for God it's good enough for me.I do not want to chain any hearts,hold any hostages.I think you feel that way too.You know your hub loves you,I know mine does too.The disease does not like that,wants to tear that love down.
Keep close to HP and take care of yourself. your friend, drucilla
I am so thankful that you were able to hug your A and then walk away back to us - I presonally would have missed you so very much if you had not come back to us -
Please take care of yourself - and be especially good to you,
Love & Hugs,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I too read all your posts and they are real and honest.I read the replys and thought what can I add and the only thing that I came up with is this.Sometimes the most loveing thing we can do is to walk away and not look back.Does it hurt yes you think you are being smothered to death but you get through it and you begin to get healthy and you keep working for it and does it get easier yes .
My heart goes out to you and the hardest step is that first one that we are powerless.
I want to fly to Eden and just hug ya. I so understood what you were saying about your hubby and how you see your relationship. For years I have been struggling to put into words the answer to the question, "Why do you stay with him?" Well you were able to say what I have been wanting to. My hubby and I have talked about it and he knows adultery and violence are my boundaries and I will not tolerate either of those.
I am so glad that i have been able to meet you, I get so much out of your posts. Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Your writing brings tears to my eyes. I understand exactly how you feel and how crushing this all is. You are such a strong, faithful person that is honest and truly caring and wonderful. You help many many souls on these boards. Thank you always for sharing your wisdom and even your hurts with us all.
My heart aches for you because your love for your A is how I love also. It is so important to love with all of your heart, but unfortunately this disease is even bigger than that. It is blocking the full love you have for him. He can't even see it anymore.
I am so glad to read when you said that someday you may find a wonderful man. I think us women do not necessarily need a man to keep us happy, BUT there is ALWAYS hope for another love in our lives. There is always NICE people in this world, that don't have a disease. There are a lot of people here, too. Remember that when you get down. You seem like you are so wonderful and have a lot of interests, go out and enjoy them and give to others the best way that you know how. Giving love and compassion to people that want it is so important I have found.
Ya see I know what makes him go where he does. He can use and stay at her apartment. That is all it is. If his mother still had a home, he would be there.
If he had of been able to contact me when HE did, he would have been here, at least for awhile.
But nope, she is NO threat to me. No one is. I know how he feels for me. He knows I know. People say what if he is so out of it and does it. Well then for sure he cannot do it. so....but I would not care really anyway.
I love him, would cont. to love him and care. I just would not ever be with him in that way again.
I would not allow him to live here however.
Worked hard on me leo, for years. I am a rounded lady too. muscular but I do have a tummy. I don't care. I love the me the creator gave me. I mean it is all I got, so might as well let my inside out uno?
I even wear pretty nightgowns and lacy stuff, its me.
I know my a misses his wife. But now he has gotten his drugs to stop his feelings....whatever.
I for one appreciate your posts. I have also seen in them alot of similarities in my own life from what you have said. I understand what you are going threw I too have felt the way you do. I am not sure what my future holds for me. But I do know that I do look forward to my adventure. I hope yours will be a pleasent one as well. Glad you are here!!!!
((((Debi))))) As always, your honesty just floors me. I know how you feel about your husband, because I feel the same about mine. This is my 5th marriage, and I have never felt about anyone the way I do him. Anyone else, I would have been long gone.
I am glad you are able to feel HP's presence. HP will never leave you, will always be there, no matter what.
I responded in your other post, that my A, and also my ex-A, used to go hang out with the most skanky people. It must boost their self-esteem, or something. At least they can feel they are better than the skanky people around them. They cannot handle looking at us, and seeing the love in our eyes. The disease makes them push us away, they do not understand how we can love them, and it makes them uncomfortable. They do not love themselves.
HP must have surely held you as you cried in the van. And then you saw Eden and the creatures, and knew you wanted to come home. I know your creatures are all so thankful for having you, where would they be without you? You also came home to us here. We love you, I appreciate your wisdom. You are such a sweet lady.
Your husband does love you, and I am glad you are able to keep that in your heart. Many times what the A shows on the outside is not how their insides really are. They are sick. They are not happy living like that. But, we cannot love them into living otherwise.
Keep taking care of yourself and your Eden. What a beautiful place! What a blessing to so many creatures who would otherwise not be loved and cared for. You do an amazing job!
Hope to hear from you soon, my friend. Will keep you in my prayers.
