The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A's sister called me and told me where he is. He is staying at this old scrum womans apt.
I was not concerned he was cheating. On the way there I talked to hp. I thought well maybe his sis was lying. Maybe he won't be there.
I was not anxious or mad or anything. No expectations. I did not know an apt. number.
Decided of course it is in HP's hands. I went up these stairs and a guy comes out, I said do you know J? He points to the apt I was headed to. I knock and my A opens the door. Out of at least a HUNDRED apts. I was led to the right one.
He says what are you doing here? I did not know. I could not answer. We walked to my van. He was not my husband anymore. .He is back to the demon. I got to him too late. He is gone again.
He was cold, does not matter.
I felt so alone. His body was right there. But my husband was not. He could not answer anything. He said he would get a divorce, I said if you wanted a divorce you would have lied to me and told me you slept with J. He knows I won't divorce unless he commits adultery.
I said I would not sign anything.
He said he was wrong to tell me he loved me and that he wanted to make it work.
I said take your glasses off, takes them off, look me in the face and tell me you don't love me,tell me you don't want me. He could not do it.
I hate this disease.
He got one of the fliers last night. He thought it was stupid and thought I was stupid to call him in as missing.
After saying all I could I said I miss my husband and I crumpled in the van seat with my head down. i felt horrible, bronchitis, can;t breath, asthma, lost my energy, could not talk. just cried and melted. did not even know when he left, He said "I" can't stand here, don't cause any problems for J, she is not part of this. that was the last i heard, not, are you going to be ok, be careful, you are too upset, get out of the sun nothing.
I could feel every pore in my body dripping. my head sorta went into little clips of memories. could feel myself drippping.
I thought about home. so drove there, I drive in andhere comes FAnnie, my young farm pig running as fast as she can to see me. I had already fed her.
My little farm pig loves me more than my husband. She is more live, more real more everything.
so end of story, TT was right, just more drama. I had such hope when I saw him and he was so clean and so alive. But his disease got ahold of him. and I lost.
hp knows what I need. my trust is there. love,debilyn looking like a puffy frog face
Debilyn: I am relieved for you that you do not have to wonder. My dogs and cats shower me with love. Last night I was looking at my big black dog lying on the sofa with her head on the pillow she is so full of joy and love. Pigs have less complicated lives. I think it is so sad your husband is unable to accept a program. Perhaps it is too much for him now.
I am sure it is because he feels no self esteem he wonders why anyone would care about him.
I am so sad for you that you have to go through this heart ache. I know it and I have been there so many times. I know I maybe there again. I am glad that you can come here and be known.
I am also glad you know where he is and what he is doing rather than have to wonder. Of course when they are out there we wonder when the inevitable will happen but right now you do know.
Oh,geez.I am so sorry.You glimpsed the man you love and now he is gone again.At least the worrying can be over now,you know he's alive,at least his body is.Hope that knowledge will help you heal.
I wish I had something profound to say to take away your pain.You are such a giving and loving person.You have been a great help to me.
I had to giggle at the image of the little pig running for you.I wish I could see a video of that,sounds so adorable.Why can't people love like animals do?
Take care of you. love and hugs as always, drucilla
May today there be peace within you. May you trust your higher power that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content know you are a child of your higher power. Let His presence setting in your bones allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance and bask in the sun. It is there for every one of us.
And as for Fannie, you are so right. She knew just what her Momma needed. Sometimes HP does for us what we cannot do for ourselves. Let HP guide you. His will be done.
love Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
i'm crying right along with you. but maybe you didn't miss your chance. everything happens the way it is supposed to. maybe hp sent you there to give you a little peace and give him the message that he is loved. very loved. being active might mean the disease doesn't want him to hear or feel that. but somewhere inside him i know he feels it. you are very brave and very strong and despite your pain you can still see the love and goodness around you and still are grateful. you must have a heart full of love and you are an inspiration. much love and prayers...
My heart is with you. I am so sorry, I know how crushing this is for you. You are posting and that is important, I know it helps a little. AND you have your wonderful animals.
I wish things could be different for you, but like you said, your HP knows what is good for you. At least you don't have to worry whether he is alive or dead. I hate that, I get so mad, because here I have been worrying about that and they are always FINE!!
He may not have been your hubby when you went to him, but you didn't miss your chance. You had a chance to show him that you love him and you did it. It was out of your control that he was not himself when you got to him.
Take care of you. Sending hugs and prayers your way.
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
((((Debi))) I am in the public library, with tears right now reading your post. My heart breaks for you. It is bad enough to be so sick, then trying to deal with all the feelings and hurt. I can identify with you about feeling like you were melting. I have cried so hard sometimes over my A, that I wondered how anyone could live with that much pain in their heart and still keep breathing.
It is so hard when we get those beloved glimpses of the man we love. Then the alcohol possesses them and they are no longer a man we recognize, not our husband.
Dear Deb, you did not miss your chance. Remember you do not cause him to drink, you cannot control his drinking, and you cannot cure it. I used to feel like if I could only love him enough, he would stop. So, I loved him with every fiber of my being, I would have gladly given myself to save him. But it made no difference, because it was beyond my control. The disease takes them away from those of us who love them.
When my husband is under the alcoholic influence, he also becomes cold and uncaring. He does not even look like himself, sound like himself, or move like himself. It is as though he is possessed. The voice that comes out of his mouth is dripping with venom. It is like in the Exorcist where the demons speak thru that little girl. The mouth is moving, but the voice and words are not the person we love.
When my A and I were separated, and I had a restraining order on him, we met in secret. He got in my car and we talked a little. I started to cry, so he just got out of the car. I put my head down on the steering wheel in the Mall parking lot, and cried and screamed until I was out of tears, and hoarse. When I looked up, he was gone. Did not care about the pain I was suffering, he just drove away.
Deb, you are a loving and caring person. You sound like me, when you love, you give your whole heart. We cannot realize how the A can behave the way they do. Mine said one day that I was plotting revenge against him. For What???? I don't think that word is even in my vocabulary, and I don't think it is in a lot of us. We want love, peace, harmony and caring all around us.
Unfortunately, for many of us, having any of that while living with an active A, well----it just ain't gonna happen.
Try to be easy on yourself Debi. Your husband is sick. He is going to say sick things to you. They do not seem to see the pain they inflict. And if they do see it, they sure don't stick around, because of the possibility that it just may be "their fault", and they can't deal with it. Because if they own up to being sorry about their drinking hurting us, then they would have to...(oh, horrors!!!!) stop drinking!
Deb, you have been a very strong woman thru all of this. At least now you know where your husband is. It is interesting to me, that he was at some skanky woman's place. That's what my A does, too, (and my ex-A did it too), is to go hang around the most low-life people out there when they drink. I think it is so they can feel superior to the skanky people. It's like the A's feel so bad, they can't stand to be around us "normal" people,(and I use that term loosley). It seems like to be around people who love them, they just can't handle.
I hope you are getting some rest. I know it is hard, but try to keep handing this over to HP. You came here and posted, and that is a very good step. Keep posting, yell, scream, whatever on here. We are good listeners. God knows how many times you guys have listened to me. I am glad you have your animals.
I will continue to keep you and your creatures, and also your hubby in my prayers. Sending lots of hugs to you.
As I cried reading your post, all I could think of was that your HP gave you that chance to have your husband back at the prison. He gave you the chance to see him whole and healthy. He gave you a chance to tell him that you love him. You didn't miss your chance at all. Your A missed his chance.
Please know that you are loved by all here and by all at your Eden. Take care of you.
I agree with many of the others. You didn't miss your chance, he missed his.
A counselor once told me was that the reason A's put really slimy people over us is that it makes them feel superior. They cannot face good, it is too painful.
I too am crying for you. I hate this disease and always hope that they can follow their HP and beat it.
Please take care of yourself, get better. I know you feel beaten and I know how you are hurting. But you know you are worth getting better, and you are loved.
(and I use that term loosley). It seems like to be around people who love them, they just can't handle.