The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have read posts here for weeks and have posted a few myself. To be honest, I don't think anyone of you out there, regardless of your experiences, can really help anyone else. Oh, we can give our hugs and our support, but when the chips are truly down, you just have to go it alone. That is me. Alone. Most of you are spouses, ex-spouses, or significant others in the lives of your alcoholics. Me, I am a mother. I carried this son of mine beneath my very young heart for nine months; I raised him the very best I knew how; I always put him and my husband first in my life. During college my son was the proverbial frat guy, popular and handsome and drinking drinking.....he is now 43 and tonight I feel as if I am at the end of my rope. I have no heart or soul left to continue trying with him. He has lost everything in a divorce and is not able to see his son unless his ex says so. She did the complete divorce and told him he stood no chance whatsoever with any judge so don't bother to fight for any rights to the baby. He didn't, so she has total and complete custody and his visits are at her discretion. In his mind he would still be able to be a part of the baby's life as promised. Now that isn't working. My husband and I did not know about the terms of the divorce until it was over. So we keep the baby each day, keep our mouths shut, and get treated like crap by both my son and at times by his ex. They fight and fued and we are in the middle. If we get out, what lies ahead for us with our grandchild? My husband and I are only children, our son is an only, and this baby is and will be an only. How sad. Tonight I have had an intense confrontation with my son. He was on a total rant against life and everything. He is getting worse. A severe head injury and broken neck a couple years ago has made him worse in terms of his personality, anger control, and short term memory. I have tried to help him all that I can without enabling him. But I know I have to step out of this completely if I am to keep my sanity. If I do it means we will lose our grandbaby completely. I think our ex DIL just maintains good relationships with us because she gets excellent and free child care. She knows how much we love this child, but I have no doubts that if I set boundaries and put myself first, all heck will break loose and that will be it. I told her when they divorced that I would lost more than she...I will lose my son. I knew he would become bitter and out of control. I knew that his drinking would escalate. I knew he could not be logical and rational. And all of that is true. So I don't expect much from this post. I know that I am supposed to be helping myself. But doesn't anyone see what a mess it is to have to lose the only family you know and love. They are lost to me. I am hurting and crying out of control tonight....almost every night I got to bed alone and cry my heart out for everything that might have been but wasn't. I have stated in this site before that we gave up a lovely retirement life in another state to move here last year to help our kids with the new baby and give child care. We have no friends here. I have tried my church but it is too big and too impersonal and my request for help went unanswered. I paid big bucks to see a psychologist and his advice was WALK AWAY NOW before you get any deeper than you already are. He told me that from the story I told him the baby is the ace card and we will lose....our son and us. It is true. But I could not walk away. You cannot divorce your child. But tonight I am so low and so tired of it all I am considering listing the house (in a horrible market for sellers here) and moving away from it all. I have a beautiful relationship with the baby and it is going to break my heart. All the tools of alanon cannot help me tonight and for all practical purposes never have. I appreciate this site as a place to "talk" it out, but perhaps it would be best if I deleted myself from the site and just quit. That is how I feel. At 64 this coming Thursday and a 45th wedding anniversary coming up Saturday, I am just sick at heart and really think I could welcome death more than this.
I am so sorry that you feel this way. I have no way to know what you are going through. I do not have a child of my own, I have two stepchildren that I have raised like my own though. It sounds like there is a lot of drama and anger going on in your household.
I can only suggest that you get to a face to face meeting, and begin to work the steps of ALANON and work with a sponsor. This will definitely help you. The tools and posting here are just one part of ALANON. When you begin to work the steps of this program and realize that you can do so much with them and live a happy and peaceful life, your life will definitely change no matter what is going on with it. You will begin not to worry so much about how everyone is dragging you down, and how everyone is hurting you. You will heal inside. Please do this for yourself. If you are thinking death is worse than your situation, then you have real depression and you are in a lot of pain.
I know you are going through a very very rough time, but honestly, what I hear in your post is a lot of self-pity. I don't want to sound harsh but that is the most important thing I have learned in this program and other 12 step programs. If you feel miserable, it is time for you to find out how to begin not reacting to others. You need to realize that you have a choice in this situation. You need to step out and meet people, talk and help others. It will help you forget about your space and your worries for a while, and you will be doing someone else some good. What about volunteering somewhere or helping someone on your block that needs someone to talk to or assistance? There are a LOT of people in this world that just need a caring person to listen to them, and it will definitely make you feel better. You can listen to someone else's life for a while and forget about yours.
Life is definitely too short and too precious to be in turmoil the way that you sound like you are. Please do something for YOU, get out of that house, and go to a meeting or do something fun for yourself. You deserve it. So much of that drama is tearing you up inside, and you need to be nice to yourself....
Omajoy, I am praying for your emotional well being tonite, and if you ever need to talk, I am here. I may not know exactly where you are coming from, but there are spiritual and loving solutions to all problems in our lives, and I can tell you what has helped me when I have been in crisis mode.
(((((omajoy))))...You sound so much like I did before I really tore into alanon. MY 25 yr marriage was over, My daughter was broke into 20 different pieces from a head on wreck that killed her best friend, and my son was on meth and my ex was his supplier. Then my health went south. I sure could not see much hope either. The first alanon people I met told me to start a gratitude list. Give me a break! What did I have to be grateful for? But ya know something omajoy? What did I have to loose? I was at my wits end and it wasn't from lack of trying, I promise you this. I quit a few times....One time saying everyone was sitting back making peace signs.....But I kept coming back I stuck with it. Truth was I was too chicken to end it all, and too miserable to do nothing. That was in Nov 2002, Things are better, not the way I would have wanted them to be in the perfect little world I had drawn out in my head, but slowly things got better...I hope you stick around too...You sound like a real neat lady and that grandchild sure sounds lucky to have someone like you in the middle of all that choas.
I wonder, Have you checked out our chat meeting room? Talking in that chatroom and listening to others and what they did helped get me to those meetings. Attending online meetings helped me get an idea of what a face to face meeting was like. Then going to meetings, getting a sponsor and working those steps with her was the ticket to getting some serenity. There is so much more to the alanon program than is apparent on this message board. It takes time and dedication, but the reward are great. Don't quit before the miracle happens!
Get help! Get to a F2F meeting, see a counselor, call a hotline. You were so supportive to my post last week; now I hear real desperation in your post. Please, you have yourself to take care of and live for. Whatever happens to your son ultimately is in his hands. The baby - that's another story. It sounds like you are not ready to sever ties with your grandchild. As a mother I can understand that. Take care of yourself and God Bless. Let us know how you're doing.
I know you feel isolated and very alone, but please don't think you are the only one. You are NOT alone in this. I assume you have a husband ? Those of us married to alcoholics feel very alone. Sometimes they are all we have. They hurt us, verbally and physically, spend the money on booze and gambling, crash the cars, go to jail...trust me, there are certainly people here that feel very alone. I never felt more alone in my life then when my husband was near death from this disease. I came here and these wonderful people helped me through 2 months worth of touch ang go, wondering if I would be a widow. I did not go it alone.
Alanon can help omajoy. It teaches us how to help ourselves. The Nothing is hopeless. There are kind ways to set boundaries in your home. You can teach people how to treat you.
Most of all..love yourself.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I got this daily thought today from a program friend....I found it to be very good, and thought you might like to read it.
David
Today's thought is:
I alone can do it. But I can't do it alone. --Anonymous
We're the luckiest people alive because we don't have to do anything alone! Whether we have a new assignment to tackle, a new relationship to cultivate, a new boss to please, we'll never fail as long as we rely on the program, our sponsors, and God.
That doesn't mean we won't have trying times and some failures. But the companionship we need for handling the difficult periods will never be denied us. Perhaps we think it will. Maybe that's why we try to do too much alone.
We didn't end up in this Twelve Step program as the result of living peaceful, productive lives. We're here because we got scared. Our lives weren't working. And they won't work now if we insist on doing it alone. This is our second chance. Let's take it.
I will seek the support I need from friends and God today. I'll have a good day because of this.
I am fairly new here,just getting to grips of how this all works myself,oh i do feel your pain,i too was on the brink of losing my one and only grandchild,this little person ment everything to me ,my sons partener was adamant she would not let the baby into the total mess that was happening between my self and my h.
I tried to make my h see sense,see what was happening but,well we all know what came first,then one evening i came accross this site ,started to learn what i needed for me and gain strengh.
This is the situation now,i have thrown h out,made ammends with my sons other half ,and get to see my darling grandson when ever i want.
Please keep coming back,it really does help and gives you the strengh to do whats best for you
Sending you my prayers. I to have an ASon, and we fought and raged for years with me not understanding what was going on. I thought he had gone insane. Then my AW got worse and I thought I had gone insane.
This program can help, and as you feel you are the only one who is not dealing with a spouse in this horrible situation, consider this. All the spouses and ex-spouses are someones son/daughter. You are very much not alone.
It took me 41 years to get this messed up, and I have to consider the 6 months I have really tried this program to only be the tip of the iceberg in correcting that. It takes time and we start from where we are ... every day.
Take care and consider staying and posting. We need you here too!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
No I can not relate to your story, my "A" is my hubby.
But I can relate to that dispair, the feeling that there is no way out and thinking that I have no choices in anything I did.
When I came to alanon, I didn't think they could help me, but they did and I didn't even have to ask, they just did. They were always there for me, and still are.
Nobody here did anything to help me. What they did was even better. They taught me how to tie a rope around myslef and pull myself out of the pit that I was in one step at a time.
There is no alanon quick fix. It takes alot of work. When I start getting stuck in the "What ifs" I do just as Louise suggested I keep looking up.
Yours in recovery, Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
My prayers are with you tonight. You may have to work through this yourself, but you are definitely not alone. My AH and I have 2 children, and they have no living biological grandparents. We are estranged from my AH's siblings. My children will never know most of their extended family. But because of Alanon and Alateen we have family who love and support us and our children. I agree noone can take the place of a truly loving family, but if you let us, the members of Alanon can become just as close (and sometimes even more so).
Please find a meeting, either online or F2F, and talk to people. There are people who have been where you are, and who have gone on to live happy lives. It's not easy, but you can do it too. A gratitude list is a good idea too. When I thought there was nothing good in my life, I started thinking of even the smallest things in my day that I was thankful for. Just before bedtime and first thing in the morning are the best times for me. Little by little, it helped.
Darlin lady you are not alone....not at all...you have the good Lord above to help guide you thru this awful time in life.......please listen to his wishes.....
Also you have this wonderful mip family, if you want us we are here for you....I know for sure I am...
So sorry for the pain you are going thru...this must be so diffictult....have you talked to your daughter-in-law about this?????
Also, you do not have to give up on your son, some one once told me where there is life there is hope..
Please do not give up on yourself, I totally understand life living with addiction...there is much love for you here...please come into open chat of a meeting....am looking so forward to meeting you.....
Thank you, everyone, for the support and the thoughts and prayers and ideas. All were taken in. Sometimes when one re-reads her own writing, she is appalled to see her state of mind. Yesterday early my son called with his usual remorse and apologies that we collided. No, my DIL and I do not discuss this; we gave up on that when we realized we just could not ever reach a good point where my son is concerned. We both love him, just in different ways. Last night they arrived with pizza and a lovely birthday gift and cards. We continue to try and act as if we are family, but knowing they are divorced just still tears me into pieces.And the tension between them is thick and obvious. Perhaps time will help that and my gratitude list should include the trying. We just sort of act as if nothing is amiss and put the baby at the center of attention. It really is difficult and not particularly a healthy thing. BUT better, I guess, then nothing. When I posted about losing my family what I meant to get across is that I have lost the traditional family structure...divorce and addiction are not something that happened in my own family and my own parents and other relatives know nothing about any of this and won't. Why involve anyone else in the family with this kind of hurt? Luckily, we live a long distance away. Thanks again. I am going to try to accept what I cannot change. Self-pity, which one of you mentioned, is alive and well in me. I can't decide whether it is a bad thing or not. How can one not feel sorry for oneself when in the middle of a sad situation? Just for today, I will do better.
