The material presented
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I have to go home tonight to visit my mom, bro and A-dad. It was my b-day on Sunday and my bro is having surgery today, so I really have to go. I never know what to expect when I go home and I get physically ill before I go home. I guess my A-dad is on anti-depresents now, which is good, but I have heard that drinking while taking them can cause very strange/disturbing behavior. I didn't think his behavior could get any wierder!
It is that elephant in the room thing. A-dad is stumbling, sluring, hiding vodka in his diet coke can. The rest of the family knows he is intoxicated. He becomes verbally abusive and yells. And we don't say anything because what can you say? No point in sinking to his level, so we try to ignore it as best we can, but I just shake with anger, frustration, and sadness. I can't concentrate on conversation with my grandma or mom or brother because of the BIG A ELEPHANT in the room. I want to run out of the house screaming and crying, never to return again. But I can't do that.
I just don't want to go but I have to for the rest of my family.
Hello Patches , am sorry you are going thru this I hope u are going to a program for yourself there is nothing u can do about dad but alot u can do for yourself. I totally get the elephant in the living room we did it for yrs. Until I learned to set boundaries for our relationship nothing chagned . I told the A in my life that if he oculdnt talk to me any nicer than he was i was going to leave . he didn't lower his voice or stop so I left . it didn't take him long to figure out that I was not going to be hollered at anymore . I know it's hard but al anon will help ufind the courage to do what u ahve to do to protect yourself emotionally from what he is doing.
I know how you feel. Some years ago, I lived with my father and step-mother. She is an active alcoholic unfortunately. I never knew what mood I would find her in and felt really afraid of her. She can be very unpredictable. Though I have no contact with her now, I do maintain contact with my father, he usually rings me when he needs something, I can honestly say I still feel appehensive even if I see her as she is very aggressive, all I can say is I am sending you my prayers and can truly empathise with you. I was scared to go home almost every night.
I understand how you feel.I have A brothers and sisters and it has caused me to actually dread Christmas.I dread every time I have to deal with them.Since coming to alanon I am learning how to take care of myself so that they cannot upset me as I used to allow them to do.
I do what I have to for me.I have already gone the route of trying to please them all and it didn't work.They still talk about me behind my back and nothing I do pleases them.
In my case it's my mother who holds us together.She is 91 now so she could pass away at any time.I have to deal with my A sister and brother in taking care of her,but I have set boundaries and enforce them.I blocked my brother's emails because he gets drunk and vents on me.I let the answering machine answer the phone and if it's my A sister I don't pick up.I call her back when I am ready to deal with her in a calm way.
My mother, who is not an A but was married to one and has 6 alcoholic children ( I am the only non A)tries to control everything.My birthday and hers are a week apart.She always insists on having a 'get together' to celebrate her birthday and mine together.She does not have a get together for any of the other kids.I finally realized it is her way of getting us together for HER birthday but she masks it as doing it for me.She has always put herself last and could never ask anyone to have a party just for her.I have tried time and again to get out of this thing but it always leads to her getting upset and angry.My birthday is this month.I am going to go thru it again.At 91 it could be the last one.I cannot bring myself to make a big deal out of it and get her upset but I still dread it.
Same with Christmas.It is all controlled by her and the A's.I have always gone along to please her.Maybe I need to stop doing that too.I am going to think about that.Sometimes I have had to lie to get out of things,there's probably a better way,I'm still learning.It's just that she is so old now.I don't want her to die while she's mad at me.When she's gone I will not be controlled by the A's.My birthday and Christmas will be mine again.
Keep coming to alanon,reading,posting.There's help here.You can't get rid of the elepahant but you can learn to live with it in a way that does not adversly affect you.You can learn to take care of yourself and let the others cater to the elephant.You have a choice.
