The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I woke up EARLY this morning and couldn't get this stuff outta my head, so here I am! Let me start by saying that I need to get this down, I know this is a safe place. So I choose to do it here. These are my opinions only and this is what is working in my life. Doxie's therapy 101 to herself I guess.
How do I live this life, cause I know (for me) that it is going to be for the long haul. How do I come to terms with certain facts that are my life. How do I begin to have a life that is pleasing to me, comfortable to me and good for me?
How do I deal with the anger I feel for my AH? One is the maybe wrong assumption (I don't know) that the addiction crap is handed down from him. His Mom is a raging A. That if I never met him I wouldn't be living in this. But I also wouldn't have my wonderful kids. But they also deal with their own addictions. One is in prison, drug addiction related and one has a huge gambling problem. So this question is sort of a catch 22. I love my kids, they are my heart.
The fact that:
His (AH) thinking is skewed, way out there sometimes. I am amazed sometimes at how his mind works, it seems so stupid to me.
He lies to me, about everything.
He doesn't trust me.
Example of the first two, he lied to me about a substancial sum of money that he has coming. Long story, but he tried to keep it from me. His co-worker let the cat out of the bag. Then AH went on to lie, lie, lie about it.
He lives thinking I am always about ready to leave him. (I'm not, never have thought that way)
I come behind everything else in his life. Sometimes I don't even think I am on the radar.
Nothing I do is good enough.
He is disconnected from everything about our home life, everything about me. Distant doesn't even begin to describe him.
I handle ALL details of everything here.
I am alone 99% of the time.
People at his work, most everyone gets treated with more concern than I do.
He has a majorly dysfunctional relationship with his Mom,(who abused him when he was a kid) He would spend every waking moment trying to please her if he could. He can't see her manipulation.
He is absolutely anal about money. He had a freaking fit when I bought a dishwasher. Thought I didn't need it. Money is an off limit talking ground.
He keeps everything. Even if it is junk. I HATE JUNK. He is a packrat gone out of control. The older he gets the worse it is. We have no room left cause of his junk.
I am limited (by him) to talking about problems to 10 minutes. I don't even talk to him about anything any more cause I know it will get us nowhere.
Now, I know that I am not real fun to live with either. I am so terribly angry at him all the time and it comes out. So I just choose to be silent and do my own thing.
How can I deal with these stinking emotions that are running amok in me.
I know he is not going to change. He has no program in his life, never has. He is living the same life he always has. He is miserable.
I am not going to change him.....I tried, it didn't work. gave it a good 25 years of my life. I was miserable.
First off, I have to choose to deal with them.
I want a life.
I CHOOSE LIFE
Therefore how do I deal with this stuff?
I know I am not perfect, but I accept me for who I am.
I accept AH for who he is, if I want to stay I have to.
Why do I stay? Because, for me, it is the only choice. So alas, I find a way to live my life comfortable. I cannot continue to be the victim, though it is a role that has been a way of life for me for a long time.
I live my Alanon program literally every day. I live the sayings, the 12 steps, all parts of it. I have to run the program through my head many times a day, but I do it to stay sane.
The Serenity Prayer was written just for me. (It was wasn't it?)
The three C's, have to be played on a lighted billboard in my living room.
One day at a time is written in paint on my driveway.
I make this program personal. It is mine.
I am down on my knees powerless. I hand it over to God. I have to. My relationship with God has to be more than religion, it has to be a one on one personal, growing thing. Jesus is my most intimate, personal friend in the whole world. He takes the A's addiction crap from me and gives me a life in return. He goves me the unconditional love I crave. He gives me the attention I crave. I am perfect to Him. He gave me Alanon. He gave me this board, the chat room. He gave me you guys. He saved me.
I have found that if I take my eyes off Jesus, or Alanon for one day, one hour, one moment, I am back where I started.
I found out that I cannot do it on my own.
I found out I don't want to.
I found out that if I ask I will receive help.
God is there 24/7 for me. Always was, I just didn't know it.
I love chat, all I have to do is say.....I need to share. I am welcomed to talk to my hearts content. I LOVE YOU GUYS. You never tell me to shut up that I am being stupid. Though if I need a thinking adjustment I can count of getting one. It is a huge comfort to me to know that you are all only a click away.
I am finding ways to plug in my community where I am needed. To channel some of this negativity to a place where the same energy is changed to good.
I am finding places at church to fit into.
These last two things are a whole nother story, I have trouble getting out of the house. So this is a major step. A step I have tried before, but have always quit when it got to uncomfortable. But I keep trying. I made some key people aware of the problem. So now I have a support system when I need it.
Oh Doxie, reading your post has leveled me to the floor! I wish there was some magic way of helping you. WHY do you stay? You say you have no choice. Is that true, or is it that you don't WANT to leave him? Such a terrible waste of time and energy. But, since you have decided to stay, I say cling close to AlAnon, it's principles and tenets, and hold your HP close in your heart. If I could help, I would. I hate that you are sad and miserable.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((doxie))))))))))))))))
Feeling helpless, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
There is an Alanon book called When I Got Busy I Got Better, I don't get to spend as much time with hubby as I would like. If he was active in a recovery program, I still would not have all the time with him that I would like. For me, I am active in my program, I throw myself into it, I have friends to help keep me busy, and now I have church activities for myself and my kids. I would love to have my partner by my side, but he can't do that for me, so I do for me.
Hubby just got back from Alaska, so I am trying to find a balance with my program and him. While he was gone I was at a meeting every night.
All I know is that I am happier now that I am not waiting for him to make me happy.
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I wanted to make one point. I didn't say I had no choice but to stay, I said for me, it was the only choice. Meaning for a lot of reasons, it is the choice I choose. I have a choice and I take it, to stay.
I hear you… I know you are really working it and you truly are so worth it!
Just wanted to give you extra (((hugs))) for support and I am willing and/or uploading some chocolate brownies and ice cream to you (with no calories of course )
For me recovery means taking back your life. We are all entitled and deserve to be loved and be happy. It doesn't just come to us, we have to work at it. When you push away the shadows the sun will come out. Keep working your program, you are so worth it.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Doxie: Your post struck many many levels to me. Your level of honesty and clarity if breath taking. My a is as glued to his mother as yours is. My A is also incredibly dysfunctional, stubborn and confused as yours is. I used to believe that we could make it together. These days I don't. Nevertheless I know, as you probably do, that leaving is a hard option. Leaving without destroying myself in the process is a strategic option. I think staying is an option too while one formulates what to do.
Getting to the truth is very very painful stuff. I have lied to myself compulsively about how bad the A is. I have lied to myself because of many many reasons I did not want to be alone. I did not want to break up yet another relationship. I did not want to admit there was no chance. I know now there is no chance. The A's disease is progressive, he will continue to live in chaos and disease. I can choose to be there and suffer the consequences or I can formulate ways to get out.
Getting out is increasingly an option for me. I know what makes one stay. I know all the reasons for staying and I now know all the reasons for going. Right now I choose to work on a plan B day and night. I also choose to be kind and pleasant to myself and now live in toxic resentment. The A is not changing, his disease is changing and doing push up s and waiting for a moment to devour him. It will not devour me too.
gave it a good 25 years of my life. I was miserable. 
It is a huge comfort to me to know that you are all only a click away. 
