The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I can't believe I'm doing, what I'm doing...I promised myself I would take it differently this time. I kept telling myself over and over again tonight.'remember the three c's". I prayed, but I keep calling his cell phone. Of course he's not answering it. I now also think there is serious gambling involved, just to throw some gasoline on the fire. I'm hoping that by getting on here and writing I will feel better. I feel so completely and utterly alone. I don't know if it's the right thing to share this with his family. I am very close to them and they already know there is a history, so they wouldn't be surprised. But I feel some stupid, insane sense of loyalty to him. I also can't believe I can't get off this stupid ride. I am sitting here bawling my eyes out, typing and don't know what else to do. It kills me not knowing where he is!!!!! I guess I haven't hit my rock bottom yet, because I'm still sitting here, doing what I always do - driving myself crazy - completely insane - and he is out smoking crack and will not stop until he is ready to stop. I did not cause it, I cannot control it and I cannot cure it, but that doesn't stop me from punishing myself. That's what I'm really doing. He's not sleeping at midnight, because he's getting high or whatever crack does to you and I'm not sleeping, crying and getting a slamming headache - why???? I wanted to go to a meeting this past week, however I couldn't get a babysitter. I know I need help, I guess I'm as bad as he is. Sorry to ramble on, I'm in the middle of my crisis here and I don't know where else to turn in the middle of the night. I'm going to try to go to bed, say a few powerful prayers ...for ME...and then hand it over to God, because it is out of my hands.
That's it! (((((MSKM))))). It IS out of your hands. YOU did not cause it ..YOU cannot control it..YOU cannot cure it.. because it was not in your hands to begin with. It IS in the hands of HP.
The prayer I will pray for you is the Serenity Prayer. I have prayed this prayer many times and applied it to my current situation and have felt much better for it.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Keep coming back! (after you have got some sleep) -lol-
Turning it over to your HP is the best thing to do at this point, in my opinion. I would think the same thoughts (but slightly different circumstances with my A), about why am I staying in this insane relationship, why do I love him like I do, what is so strong that can keep me wanting more of him? Really, in all honesty, for me it was a little bit financial...I can't get by without his income too. I do know if it REALLY came down to it that I could find a way. But there was the part of me that didn't really want to end it all. Yes, we are as sick, if not sicker, than they are!
I know this may not help much, but I have been watching this tv show on Sunday nights on A&E called Intervention. It's about people with addictions who think they are being interviewed for a documentary about addictions, only to find out their families/loved ones are getting ready to do an intervention on them. It amazes me every time I watch it that addiction can be soooo bad and how the loved ones are devastatingly affected by it. My husband, who is a 2-year-3-month sober alcoholic, absolutely loves that show. I think it is helping him understand his addiction to alcohol.
Don't give up ~ you deserve a better life than what you are going through right now!
I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you got some rest last night. Its so hard to detach with love from a person who is destroying themselves. Since I have been in Alanon and working this program I no longer wait up at night. I had recently been challenged with my A having a relapse and it hurt no doubt but I have come to understand that I don't need to suffer because of his disease and the choices he makes about caring for his disease. He could choose recovery and sobriety. He could choose to take care of himself and learn to manage the disease so his life can be manageable or he can choose to give in to it and let this disease carry him away from everything good and wonderful in his life. Its not my choice to make. I was choosing to worry much more about him than myself or my children, and that drove me nuts. If you can get to a F/F meeting it might help to center you. Keep coming back, this program is really working in my life and I still have a long way to go, but I'm not where I used to be and that is good. Take it one day at a time or one minute at a time if you have to.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Great big hugs to you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE, SWEETIE. You always have us and we understand.
I felt as if you were me talking. My ex bf was a crack addict and after each binge I would say I would handle it differently if there were a next time. Of course, there was another binge and no I didnt handle it differently. It always tore me up. I repeatedly texted and called his cell phone when he was using, he never called until he was coming down and had no money left, etc. It is very difficult living with an active alcoholic or drug addict, more often than not, we become sick too. I was a basket case and knew I needed help whether he was using or not. I was pitiful. I began really working the program, got a sponsor and started on a recovery path. Thankfully, my ex went into rehab(and not b/c of me, he hit bottom) and is 4 months sober. But more importantly, I AM BETTER.
Letting go and putting the problem in the hands of your HP is the only thing you can do for him.
Take care of you, throw yourself into your program double time during times like this-READ the BIG BOOK, PATHS TO RECOVERY, HOPE FOR TODAY. It will help, I promise.
One minute at a time right now, one day at a time, just get thru today, dont worry about tomorrow. Try really hard to defocus off of him and put some focus on you. Go get a pedicure, something for you. You are worth it.
