I am new here - although I have been in need of this place for so very long.  I really never understood that I also had a problem.  I lived with an abusive alcoholic for 12 years, but I was strong enough to not deal with it.  I avoided the heart of the issue so many times - deciding that things would get better - that I was weak for allowing being emotionally and sometimes phyiscally abused to bother me.  Our life didn't seem that bad really - did it?  He had a well paying job - we had a decent house - and awesome kids.  Marriage is hard for everyone - it takes work - or so I was told.  So I determined that I was the problem and that as he told me a million times if only I would do this or that differently then he wouldn't have to be so stressed out and drink so often.  

So throughout our marriage I worked hard on making everything okay all the time.  I took care of everything - everything - kids, house, yard, cars, worked fulltime, and went to college for my BA and MSW - you name it - only to be told that I did it all wrong.  The sad part is that I believed it on some level.  Yet, somewhere deep inside of me I knew that this wasn't healthy - that being constantly shoved down by him was taking parts of my spirit and I wasn't even sure I knew who I was anymore.  I suppose the fact that I am viewed as a very strong minded person that doesn't back down by the rest of world didn't help matters.  How could I let anyone know my shame?  How would anyone understand the pain and humilation I had suffered.  The "drunk games" as my oldest daughter pharsed it.  Drunk games refers to when my A would come home wasted and keep the rest of us up all night stumbling around the house - crying - yelling - passing out in a snow bank - threating to kill himself - or just hurting me.  Most of the time he would be sorry the next day - but that didn't stop him from drinking and playing drunk games the every next night - or a few days later. 

A few years of this - then he got arrested for the first time - DUI - I was there when it happened - and really should have thought about the fact that I was relieved he wouldn't be home that night to play drunk games.  Not a good sign for sure that you are happy your husband is in jail and not at home abusing you - but I didn't feel worthy of being free from abuse at that point.  He got arrested again a few months later - DUI #2 - I was also there that time.  He had promised that he wouldn't drink so that he could drive us all home. It was a night out with my friends - very rare in our marriage for sure - they were also there - no more hiding at least.  The second arrest cost him his job - so he didn't work for over a year - claiming he had a bad back.  So I supported us - and did everything else as we slowly lost everything we had worked for - still I didn't feel I was worthy of having a better life. 

What made me leave for good?  (he had left a few times for a month or so and always came back - but nothing ever changed) My aunt died - who I was extremely close too.  I was away for a month while she was seriously ill and then died.  This was extremely painful - and yet I wasn't dealing with being abused or exposed to drunk games every few days, which was a relief - how sad that the death of someone that was like a mother too me was less stressful then living my everyday life? That is when I decided to save myself before there was nothing left.

It's been a year now since I offically left him - although my heart left the marriage a long time before then.  At first I was very relieved and believed that once I was gone the problem would be solved - as I didn't have to play drunk games with him anymore.  After a bit though I came to recognize that I was angry and sad and worried all the time - regardless of the fact that I know leaving was the right choice. So - I found this place for a lot of reasons - but mostly because I need to heal - and I need to process everything that has happened.  I deserve to be healthy. I am in recovery -  who knew that I needed help? Everyone but me.