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My A husband recently decided to quit drinking and go to AA meetings. He went to a doctor and got Lirium to help him. He started taking that on Friday night (last drink was Thursday night), and has been to two AA meetings a day since. I was so happy that he'd come to this decision by himself (he ran into a friend with the same problem on a business trip who convinced him he needed help). So I say I wont drink wine in the evenings anymore, of course I don't mind - anything to make this easier for him. I find myself lying to friends about his absence from a dinner party on Saturday - he doesn't want to be around people drinking. He drags himself around the house like a zombie on these drugs, falls out of bed, can't talk properly, can hardly open his eyes, but as soon as it's time for the AA meeting, he's perfectly okay to drive and talk. I could go on and on - I'm just so mad at him and full of anger, I don't know where it's come from, i should be delighted and helping him every step of the way and praising him etc etc, but I hate him right now. What is wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you. I learned to be vigilant and watch my AH who is sober like a hawk. I think that the disease pulls us in and we are not at our best. I have been angry at my AHsober for a long time. Holding resentments make us sicker than they are.
Have you been going to f2f Alanon meetings? Reading any Alanon literature? Keeping the focus on you and your progress? Just a thought.
Hi, Librium is like beer in a pill, it is used at treatment centers to detox people from withdrawls and should be used with great caution it can give you they same effect as alcohol if taken in high amounts. Maybe by the time he is ready to go to his meeting, the effects have worn off some and that is why he seems to be better at that time.
As for why your not happy with his quiting, have you thought that maybe it could be that you've decided to quit drinking too? You say that you drink wine every night and quiting that may be effecting you more than you realize. Just a thought......
No I've not been to a f2f alanon meeting - I want to and I've told my husband I want to. He said he doesn't want me to go because I might see someone we know there and then they'll know he has this problem. He wouldn't stop me but I know it will make him uncomfortable.
I know I should focus on myself. I will do some Alanon reading and hopefully go to a meeting at some point.
He's incredibly selfish, and I know he has to be right now to get through this and sober up, but I've put up with him for so long I'm feeling such resentment and anger towards him. I feel like there will forever be this threat that he will drink again if I do or say something, threaten to leave, etc. I can't imagine I'll ever trust him again.
I am happy that he's quitting - and I have no problem not drinking wine in the evenings - it wasn't every night and not much. I suppose I'll miss the social times we had with friends, as I know he wont want to go now he's not drinking. I feel a bit better now about all this, and more positive for him. Maybe the drug effects were wearing off - I just felt he was milking it and being "oh poor me" whenever I was around him. He is now being all self righteous and martre-ish (is that a word?). I will work on me and try to be there for him.
welcome. the feelings you are describing sound very similar to what i felt when my ah got sober. and as far as your ah being worried about who will see you at an alanon meeting lots of us have had that same fear. but then i realized that if i see someone i know, then they are there for the same reason i am and neither one of us has anything to feel ashamed about. my ah didn't want me to go to alanon because he thought i might get better and then leave him. he wanted to keep me isolated and dependent on him. i eventually was in so much pain that i went despite him. and i kept going. and it works. good luck
Hi Dwel , welcome to al anon and I sure hope u find some meetings for yourself it will help u get rid of the anger u are feeling , when sober we have such high expectations tht we often end up feeling the way u are right now. AA is his life line at the moment so going to meetings is a mater of life and death for him right now. Try not to be resentful of his efforts .
If u get to Al-Anon for yourself u will be busy fixing you and won't have so much time to focus on what he's not doing . You will find people who totally understand how your ffeeling and help u thru it. If your both in a program u have a chance , he is not the only one who needs to change we have to change too. Like it or not we had a part in this mess and need to recover.
Be grateful he's sober but please find recovery for yourself. Louise
His argument that if YOU GO somebody he knows might find out. That makes no sense. If he was that worried, he'd not be going himself.
My dad was an alkie who owned his own business. He'd never go to AA meetings because he said somebody might see him from busines and learn that he had a drinking problem. Believe me...they did not nee to see him at an aa meetting to know he had a problem. They could jsut hear his slurred voice on the phone or drop by the office during the morning and see him stagger..
no need to try to hide it...verybody already knew it.
Lots of good replies to your post. Not something wrong with you. Lots of us feel angry when they decide to get sober...many times it is because they spend so much time with aa meetings and aa friends. It's like we never saw them before when they were at the bars and now that they are busy in aa we see them even less.
Getting involved in alanon is what helped ME stay focuses on those things I coudl change.. Like another saidl...if i see somebody i know at first I am uncomfortable. But then I realize they are there for the same reason. According to who it is, I often share more about my alkie parents than alkie husband. Then after I see they are coming regularly i share more openly.
The fact he's on meds really means he's changing one drug for another. But the good part is..he's going to AA. so THEY wil plant a seed. I have heard many alkies say...it's really hard to drink any more..a belly full of beer and a head full of AA dont mix.
hi dwell , there is alot written about those feelings ... the early stages of recovery can be quite tedious whether its our own or other peoples , I guess its like a convalescence in a way , but it does get better in time when they and we start to enjoy ourselves again ... not sure about the one where you change your habits to fit in , I guess keeping alcohol out of the house might be a good idea in some cases , but going out and socialising without the A is recommended . I don't know what the programme says about giving up alcohol to fit in with the recoveree , I have'nt come across any guidelines on that . I have met Alanon members who did and some who didn't change their habits in that kind of way . Assuming he's in the programme some conclude that he will be unaffected by it . For myself I wouldn't like to change too much about myself more than necessary to fit in with someone else , I'd need to feel I gave up something for myself , but thats just me though. Somehow we use the programme to retrieve our sense of self and our own life that might go on quite separately from the A at times , leaving them space to pursure their own recovery ,
It's hard when they get sober for all of us. The emotions they numbed when they were drinking are now coming to the surface. That first year is so vital for all of us.
Botton line: they drink, they die. Heck of a choice to make, live or die. I cheerish every moment (good and bad) that my husband is sober. It can be fleeting and one never knows when they can slip.
Give it to his HP to look after him. It's time to look after you.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Aloha Dwell...Welcome. Find a chair and take your seat. We had one waiting for you. If at first you find this all confusing and difficult don't run! Change is hard for everyone of us especially at first and you do belong here. Lean on us for a while during the learning stages and keep an open mind. At first you may not like all of us but in time you will come to love us the same way we already love you. We are not perfect anyone of us.
What worked for me when I was real new (2nd attempt) was; 1. Go to as many face to face meetings as I could in the next 90 days. 2. Memorize and start working the steps especially the first three and the slogans. 3. Get a sponsor, someone I could trust and who had qualities I needed for myself. 4. Get a Higher Power (greater than myself that is). 5. Keep coming back!!
There was more but not within the first 90 days. Hanging around with oldtimers was great cause they were solid and knew so much that they were willing to pass on with love.
