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Hi all. I have been trying to log onto the online chats but for some reason it won't work for me. So I figured I would try this. I have been with my boyfriend (an A) for 5 1/2 years now. We met at college and He has drank all of our relationship. I don't know really where to start. My A is very mean when he drinks. He has never gotten physically violent but says horrible things to me and blames me for EVERYTHING when he drinks. It has been a long and very hard 51/2 years. About 6 months ago he began going to AA after a week long binge ending in a huge fight and getting kicked out of his house. He was allowed home with the condition of going to AA. He was doing GREAT for 3 months. I was so happy for him and I was just starting to trust him. And then out of no where he went missing on a binge for 3 days. That was about 2 months ago when he swore that he would go to meetings again. That lasted for only a few weeks and then he stopped going. I don't think he began drinking right away but he has continued. I know that staying with him is my choice. BUt I have never made the right choice. I have lost all of my friends because he has fought with them and the few that I do have don't want to hear about his drinking anymore so that makes me feel even more lonely. All the choices I have made have never benefited me. I know that I am no strong anymore. Before I met my A I was different. I am not the same anymore in anyway.
I love my A when he's not drinking. He's great. He's my best friend and makes me laugh. I love his family so much. He comes from a great family. My A and I always talk about getting married and he always says he wants a great life. He's 27 and lives home. He has no money and spends every cent on drinking. He's been kicked out of most bars in town becuase of how he gets when he drinks. He as lost all of his friends. I mean ALL of his friends. He doesn't have a very good job and he has a little college education. My point is I don't want a bad life. I don't want to raise kids in an unstable environment. For the past 5 1/2 years all it has been is violence and tears and disappointment. I know that if my A really tried he could be successful and provide himself and me with a good life. He's so smart. But I am starting to lose hope that he will ever be able to stop drinking. I feel like if I keep waiting I will waste my life. I just can't get the strenght to leave him. Whats wrong with me? I know I want better. I am so sick of crying and fighting. I am sick of not trusting and being scared. I am sick of being blamed for it all. I love my A so much but sometimes I wish I never met him. I wish I left him the first time he lied. I didn't, I know, so where do I go now? I can't imagine my life without him. But I don't want a life of this. I know it will only get worse also if he doesn't stop. Why am I so weak to leave someone who is so bad for me?
Welcome to the message board! I wonder if you try going to this link, if it will help you get into chat...http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html. If it does, just save it to your favorites and then just click it each time you want to come to chat. That's what I do, because a while back it was hard to get into the room due to them changing servers (or something like that). If that doesn't work, then maybe someone else will be able to help you.
Do you go to any alanon meetings? I find that I get so much out of them, and they give me the resolve to take care of MYSELF, and to do what I need to do to stay sane.
I will say that if I knew that my husband was an alcoholic before marrying him, I would not have married him. I'm not suggesting that for you, I'm just saying that you should trust what your gut says. I didn't find out about my husband and his drinking until about 3 1/2 years into our marriage. He's sober now, thanks to AA and God. It will not get any easier on you when you get married, if he is acting this way now. I agree with you, not wanting to live a bad life when you get married. You deserve the best life you can live!
Most alcoholics are smart, wonderful, loving, fun, caring people when they are sober. My husband is highly intelligent, he's just stricken with the disease of alcoholism. But he had to hit his bottom before he could get help. He had to WANT to get help.
I'm sorry I don't have the answer for you. I hope you get involved with alanon, because it's very lonely when you don't have the support you need. People who aren't living with anyone who's going thru this have no idea what to say or do. It's a whole other world to them. I used to think that all alcoholics/addicts were nasty, dirty, poor people who lived on the streets. That's so not the case! Most of our friends now are addicts of some sort, but in recovery. They are wonderful people, and so much fun to be around!
I hope you can find some peace here with this group of amazing people, and that you can find it at some face-to-face alanon meetings. It will make a world of difference in how you treat yourself!
THis guy holds no decent job, is mean when he drinks, blames you for everything, and even gets himself kicked out of bars, and you want to MARRY HIM???? DO you think he will change after the ceremony? Do you think your children, when you have them, will have a happy life? Now's the time to get really serious with yourself. Life has so much love, happiness, and joy to offer. Don't settle for this. You deserve so much better.
Others will respond to your post, and none will say to you what I have said. They will say, "go to AlAnon meetings"...a good idea. They will say, "if you decide to stay with him"...a bad idea. THey will say, "We don't give advice here"...I do!! Run, don't walk toward a happy, fulfilled life...without him.
I send you every good wish, Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 20:50, 2006-08-06
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Many of us are the ones who made the choice to stay with the A, to marry him, even when we knew in our guts that something was very wrong. "But I love him" we said, and "He's such a great guy when he's sober". Of course you love him, and of course he's a great guy sometimes - otherwise you would not be here. The reality is, it's a progressive disease, and it will not get better if you get married. It will get worse when there are children in the house for you to be afraid for, and when your finances are tied together.
However. It doesn't do much good to tell you to get out - you need some help to get to a place in yourself where you have the strength to do what is best for you. That is where alanon can help. Many of us have left one A, only to get together with another one right away. It's not easy to make healthy choices, if you are not used to doing so. Personally I have had to face up to the fact that my own sickness fit my husband's like a hand in a glove. If I had been emotionally healthy, I would have said "Hey you're a nice guy, but too screwed up for me, bye" and gone on my way. Instead, I fell right into a relationship that damaged both of us, and damaged our children, too.
From your post it sounds like you suspect that part of the problem here is you - why you put up with it, why you haven't the strength to do what is best for you. Alanon can help you with this - help you get better. If that sounds too hard, we can also just be a safe place to vent, a source of tools to make life a little easier while you decide what you want to do.
Read some of the old posts here, see if there is anything that speaks to you. Find a face to face meeting near you - those real life hugs are great. Give our program a chance, we really can help make life not so bleak.
Hi.My suggestion to you would be to go to Alanon meetings.There might be a few in your area.If your boyfriend is suffering from the illness of alcoholism,he will only get better when he is ready.I can see that he is trying by actually going to meetings.You will have to learn to detach with love.Expect without any expectations.Believe me I know...go to Alanon meetings no matter what anyone says.Alanon will teach you how to focus on yourself etc via the 12 steps.It is tough but a simple program.Change even positive changes brings pain with it,but it will be worth it..(for example making a decision and sticking with it even though it hurts)..You will be happy you did....and that might just sober him up.You will also find out if it's really love.Go to a meeting.IT WORKS.
So glad you posted! And hope you find your way to chatroom (sorry I have no suggestion on that).
I have been with my bf for 5yrs and he has drank the whole relationship as well.
What Diva said is right. Noone should settle for this. We do deserve so much better! And AlAnon will help us find a happier, more fulfilled life. But with or with out him is totally your decision to make.
I have chosen to stay with my bf for now. As Lil said about making healthy choices, I'm not ready. Even tho I know he won't change unless he's ready. But I will still Hope. But by coming here it has helped me so much to keep the focus on me and make better choices for me and I'm starting to live a happier life.
I know that giving advice is not what we are supposed to do but if I had to do it all over again I sure wish someone would have told me to run like hell. Alanon teached us many amazing things and meetings are a good place to be but I have to say I completely agree with Diva.
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
please think hard and long,read the posts here,do you really want to spend your life like this,now is your chance to change all that ,to give up some one you love is hard,but in time it will heal and find the perfect person to settle down with ,diva is sooooo right,but only you can make this choice,all im saying is way up all the angles.
You have said it from your gut, daisygirl! At least you have not married this guy yet. Listen to this: my family life is in turmoil because my ex-daughter in law married my son anyway, knowing that he had alcohol problems. They met, had a brief relationship and got married. After about 2 years, she decided that she didn't like a lot of things about him. The drinking was only part of it, but the more they fought about everything (jobs, money, housing, children, how to cook beef, etc etc etc) the more she pushed and nagged and screamed....and yes, the more he drank...filling that void the disease produces. Then a baby. You can see the rest. The baby is now one year old, she has divorced him quickly and severely 4 years into the marriage, the baby is in the middle, and my son is on a downward spiral. What is my point? When I asked her if she knew his potential for alcohol abuse before they married she said yes and then proceeded to tell me how insulted she was that I would ask her that and question her decisions. When I asked her if she knew the potential for huge problems adding a baby to this mix she was really insulted. So we persevere but the problem has grown and been magnified a thousand times over. In retrospect, I think she wishes she had not married him. Of course there will be those who will say, but this baby was meant to be. Yes, and the family loves this baby and he is our focus. They are trying to raise him together altho the problems are huge and ugly. So although I keep reading that this is not the place for advice, I must say that your post described a situation from which you can escape...and I means escape. You are a young woman with no legal ties to this guy. He has already shown you what lies ahead. If you marry him or continue to maintain this relationship, I think you will find yourself in worlds of trouble for years to come. Right now you can walk away and begin to work on healing. Whether you stay or go will not change this young man unless he wants to change. It is a heartbreak for me to read stories like yours. I wish my former daughter in law, whom I still love and have a friendship with, had asked me if I thought she should marry my son, I believe I would have told her NO. I knew the quicksand upon which she was standing. So may you gain some perspective from the replies you will receive here. Pay close attention. Go ahead to Alanon if you want further support, but save your own life. Bless you.
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great strength, experience, hope, wisdom and humor (good for the heart).
There are many good posts here. I do agree with Diva, if it were me, I would take a good hard look at my life and the person before me. Are you ready to live that kind of life? Are you staying with him because you are afraid to be alone (a natural feeling)? There is a whole litany of questions to be answered.
Having said that, I say this to all newbies here: You must not loose yourself in their disease. Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless, if your boyfriend chooses sobriety or not.
The first year of a sobriety for an addict is very important and very difficult. I learned that 95% of addicts in their first year of recovery relapse. The first year of your recovery is no cake walk either. The bottom line is this: an addict is going to do what an addict is going to do, sober or not, and there is NOTHING you can do about it. When it comes down to it, they ultimately have 2 choices: 1) drink and die (or go to jail or be institutionalized) or 2) don't drink and live. But it has to be his choice. He has to be ready for it and want it above all else, and that includes his family and friends, etc.
When my A husband relapsed for the last time, I finally got up the courage to tell him to leave and I stood my ground. I would not have been able to do that if it were not for this program. This last relapse nearly cost him his life. The doctors said that there is no next time for him. If he drinks, he dies. Bottom line. That was my A's rock bottom and it took him many, many times.
Now that he is sober and working on his recovery, that boundary of no drinking still holds. I will not live with an active A. Some can, I can't. It doesn't mean that I don't love him. It means that I refuse to die for his disease.
Please keep coming back to us. Go back and read the older posts. Find some local f2 meetings or join us here. There is strength in you, it's just buried at the moment. You obviously want change, as you came here. Good for you.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
You will probably not listen to the good advice here, you are infatuated with this man and probably feel like you can't RUN AWAY SCREAMING!!! You know, like a horror movie? Where the people run away screaming in terror at the top of their lungs hoping to escape the torment with their lives? That is the situation you are in...only I doubt you are running away screaming...you are probably the type that has to open that door that every other thinking and rational person knows not to open...
Anyway, if you are going to stay with this man at LEAST do it with your eyes open.
Before marriage, in a relationship, usually people are on their best behavior. EVERY PROBLEM THAT YOU HAVE NOW WILL BE MAGNIFIED AFTER THE WEDDING when people relax and let it all hang out.
If you are prepared to deal with abusive bum husband and prepared to have children with him then really think what you are in for. A LIFETIME of misery for both you and your children.
Even if you divorce and have children this man will be in your life probably forever at all special events, graduations, marriages, the birth of grandchildren...UGH...probably spreading his abuse all around to the next generation too. Yeah, he may get sober and get better...but chances are higher he won't. Read up on statistics of alcoholism, how most DON'T ever achieve long term sobriety.
Make sure you are not in love with YOUR pretend version of him. He is what he is right now. An irresponsible violent drunk jerk. That is WHO he is...he has no potential actually. By the time you are 27 you should be pretty set in who you are and be well on your way to success.
You say he is a good friend. Well, he can still be a good friend, you don't have to marry him to have a friend.
You say you love him, OK, but make sure you love HIM and not your fantasy version of him that you made up in your mind.
Sorry I don't have Diva's gift of tact...sigh...she can give some serious straight talk without sounding harsh or uncaring. I hope you know I care too, it just does not come accross as easily in my words.
i was 21 when i got together with my ah. i knew about alcoholism but not how it affected me growing up or what it would mean to live and have children with one. and had anyone told me when i was 21 and in love to run not walk away from him because my life would be ruined i would have married him that day. that was one of my character defects. five and a half years is a long time. it's memories and time invested and love for his family. personally, i don't regret loving or marring my ah and having 3 kids with him. how could i? would i have done anything different? nope because if i did i wouldn't be where i am today. i did what i needed to do and i left when i was ready to leave. not when anyone else told me to. that is what i really love about this program. i have never felt judged or been told what to do. i have been given unconditional love here and supported in whatever my decisions have been--stay or go. and that is what i will try to pass on to others. i do hope you will get to a face to face meeting. there are people there who will give you a hug and tell you that you are not alone. and you are not alone. i know what it means to lose yourself to this disease and obviously you are very strong and want to change that's why you are here. you are smart and brave and you have the power to make the choices that you need to make for your own life. good luck and keep comming back
I am new to Al Anon and I know I'm not supposed to provide advice, so I'll try not to. I went to 2 Al Anon meetings so far and it's helps a lot. Let me just tell you that when I read your post it was pretty much an exact copy of my relationship with my now ex-boyfriend of 6 years. He is now my ex-boyfriend primarily because he is dead. Alcoholism took over his life and he died from a simple fall down the stairs which would not normally cause someone's heart to stop beating unless they were abusing themselves with alcohol and not eating, as he was. I know its a disease but it took over his life. I broke up with him 2 1/2 weeks before he died because I had finally had enough of his life and what it was doing to me. Please make the right decision for yourself. I can't tell you how many times I said "this time I'm ending it" only for him to coax me back in. There are so many better paths for yourself in life to be mixed up with an alcoholic and all that comes with it. Count your blessings that you're not married to him and leave now no matter how hard it is. I would give anything for my ex-boyfriend to be alive right now, but he never admitted the problem to himself and wouldn't take help from anyone. There is only so much you can do. Life can be so much happier.
Ditto to the words of wisdom from Diva. I want you to look a few years ahead and say to yourself would the person I love now be able to provide a stable responsible environment for the children I want. Would I be able to rely on his income to support our children? Seek out the al-anon resources available they will help you to become a stronger person and re-build your self esteem. You are a good person and frankly deserve better. Luv Leo xxx
As someone in the process of leaving my alcoholic boyfriend, I really appreciate some of your comments to this writer ~ I've been looking for 'permission' to leave and merely the fact that some of you have enough courage to give this much advice, helps me immensely.
