New here - Does the selfishness get better? - Al-Anon Family Group

meglet · Newbie

New here - Does the selfishness get better?

lmt123 · Senior Member

Hi, meglet,

Welcome to MIP! So glad you lurked long enough to find out it's a great place. LOL

My husband has been sober for 2 years and 3 months. He is so very involved in AA, and has been for about that long. He still has selfish moments, when I least expect them. He does say that it is his alcoholic way of thinking that causes him to be that way. He does admit that for so long it was all about him, and he'd pretend it wasn't. (They are masters at faking stuff, lolol.)

One thing I heard discussed out of the AA Big Book (I can't recall where it is from, as my husband has his book and is at a meeting right now), in an open AA meeting, was that alcoholics are constantly in recovery. How I had wished that my husband could just go to treatment, and then some AA meetings, and then come home one day just fully recovered from the disease! He tells me it's a lifelong pursuit to stay sober. He has to always work the program or else he will risk drinking again. That tells me that they never totally recover. Maybe I'm wrong, but I've heard many A's tell that at meetings.

Even I am selfish at times (hard to believe, I know! LOL), it's just that I don't have the disease of alcoholism, so it doesn't seem that bad if I am selfish (really, it's no different, in my mind). I do agree that that is one of the A's character defects, as I've heard many of them say so, and I've read it in the Big Book.

It does get better the longer they are working the program. I have seen my husband change right before my eyes. It's not sudden, it's just gradual.

I hope you are going to some Alanon meetings to learn more about taking care of yourself. The meetings do offer some promise for a better life for YOU.

Take care of yourself ~

Kathi

lebe27 · Senior Member

Welcome Meglet

Interesting question. My A actually when drinking is not selfish. On the contrary he will give anything and everything to anyone. He wants so much to be liked he gives and gives and leaves himself wide open to be abused. Of course I am the last he considers however as he already knows I like him lol.

When A sobers up which he has again the past two weeks he becomes very selfish. He hibernates in the house, takes the phone off the hook and is unavailable to anyone. It is what he has to do to protect himself. He is uncomfortable putting his needs first so he avoids putting himself in a position to need to assert himself. If he says no it makes him feel guilty and guilty feelings are a trigger for him to return to drinking.

I understand that he needs to do this to stay sober at least in the early stages of his sobriety. Of course I didn't like it so much today. I took sometime off from work and am in the mid point of my 4 day weekend. Have done nothing. The biggy was grocery shopping today. I had wanted to go to a local festival (which would have been crowded) this afternoon. We took a nap after shopping though and when we got up I could tell A didn't want to go. I could have gone alone which I started out to do but realized the event would shortly be over and I really didn't want to go alone. Initially felt great resentment that A was ruining my timeoff but tried to avoid making him feel guilty. I just came on computer and started looking for activities going on tomorrow and the next day. A went in the kitchen and started cooking up a storm.

Little later I checked in on him and he told me he wasn't ready to be out in big groups of people yet and needed more time. I told him I understood. That his sobriety was much more important, that I loved him and that we would have lots of time to do fun stuff together when he felt better. I suggested we check out the small local zoo tomorrow and maybe get some lunch out and he said that sounded fine.

Don't really think I answered your question. Guess what I am saying is that in early sobriety the A needs to be selfish, their priority needs to be their sobriety. I believe though that with a program of recovery they learn to balance their needs with the needs of others in a healthy way.

Lisa

-- Edited by lebe27 at 21:03, 2006-08-06

sld488 · Senior Member

So glad you have joined us here. MIP is a wonderful place. Here you will find a lot of people who share simular things you are experiencing.

Good to hear your bf is sober and in AA. As you said getting sober is just the tip of the iceburg. But good 1st step for him. How about YOU!

I'm sure you have surfed the site and found that AlAnon is about you. Because we are affected by our loved one's Alcoholism we need help too. We cannot change others no matter how hard we try but we can change ourselves. Working the 12 steps in AlAnon helps us do that.

If you haven't, I suggest you find a local face-to-face AlAnon meeting. Or there are online meetings here(which is what I do). Get literature to read. I just got Courage to Change a great book. Keep coming here and keep us posted.

If you actively work this progam ( you are worth it) your life will improve, not perfect, but greatly improved.

Welcome to MIP, remember you are a Miracle in Progress!

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

It will get better, if he really keeps working his program. It will probably always be something he struggles with, but if he has a program behind him, reminding him that this is not right, he will be able to keep some control on it.

How about you? If you got together with him while he was drinking, if you have been together long, if you have a history of picking drunks or addicts for boyfriends, if you feel that it is your job to help him get or stay sober, if you feel sometimes that it really IS all your fault.....if any of this is true of you, you could use our program for yourself. Welcome.

Vicky R · Member

hi meglet , I guess thats why they call this 'a selfish programme' !!! of course as I continue in my own recovery I know that selfish isn't supposed to mean inconsiderate , but Alanon is generally about 'focusing on ourselves' as the others have said , going out and doing things for us without needing the presence or permission of the A , not easy ... especially if we have this deep habit of focusing on other people like some of us have . And then not easy either even once I go out and get on with my own thing not to mind when things still don't go to plan ! this is an ongoing process for me too , that brings me to this programme ,

llol Vickyr x

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((Meglet))))))))),

Welcome to the family.

They have to be selfish. Their life depends on it. That first year is so important. You've got to let him do what he's got to do. Yes, they have to put their sobriety first above all else, and that includes the people they love. That can hurt. But now you can take this time to work on your recovery.

Your recovery has to be about you, regardless if your A chooses sobriety or not. You can't get lost in his disease. That's so important.

Keep coming back to us. There is hope and it does get better.

Live strong,

Karilynn

Hopefloats · Veteran Member

I'm starting to look at selfish in a new light. I was brought up with selfish being a big no no , very negative.

I'm now feeling there may be 2 kinds of selfish. The selfish that self preserves for the betterment of those around us, maybe a life long selfish accompanied by dignity and integrity. As well as the selfish that is short term a negative selfish.

Sort of like..... I'm the only one who knows the way out of the woods...... a group of us are lost in. If I do not take care of my needs and perish the entire group has less of a chance at getting out of the woods. Yet there are 2 folks in the group that can not see the long term. They insist on keeping all the food rations thay have brought along for themselves. They do not want to feel hunger pangs and do not care if the rest of us make it. So by not sharing the rest of us perish. Then they perish when the food runs out as they can not find their way out of the woods.

Hope I make sense . I'm sure there is a better example of what I'm trying to say.

meglet · Newbie

I wanted to thank you all for your input. It really did help me to see things in another light. A and I had one of the best connections we've had in a long while last night and that continued on this morning UNTIL life got in the way. Now, I just want to cry.

I was asked in this thread if I have a history with picking alcoholics and I don't. I was also asked if I feel that his drinking is my fault or if I feel that it's my job to get him or keep his sober...and I don't feel any of this either. I DO feel like I'm starting to get lost in his disease though and I need help and I'm not good with asking for help.

Thank you, again.

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

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Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

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