Need a starting point - Al-Anon Family Group

bluebjade · Member

Need a starting point

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

bluejade,

You can start by attending meetings and doing the steps. The steps are a "how to" guide that allow us to find the answers. The steps do not hand out answers, but offer a process to enable us to find the answers ourselves.

Your A made a choice when he decided to eat cheese and crackers instead of dinner.
He DID have choices. Allow him to have that choice if he so chooses. He was playing martyr, and that was his choice too. Not speaking was his choice and his attempt at manipulation. It worked.

You are not his servant unless you choose to be. You fixed the dinner, that's your part and if you so choose, that's where your part ends. Much of this program is about "choice".

Our A's choose their actions and we allow them their consequences. We have a choice whether to feel guilty or not. We really can choose our feelings and our actions.

Christy.

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Jade for me, when he was obnoxious, I refused to be in the same room with him. I say I am going to go read. Or I would say ok the A is talking and go watch tv or go for a walk.

Just refused to allow him to get to be around me! I am a nice person, I like the me the creator gave me so heck with the A.

We are made to love ourself. love our neighbor as we love our self uno, this is MY view.

I started by likeing my hair, my face, my smile. I like my non critical nature.

I looked at me as my own best friend and treated myself tenderly.

A does not get to live with me if he is mean to me. My A may not be here becuz my boundaries are strong and he knows it.

90 meetings in 90 days, NO using, no cussing, complaining, read lit, take care of himself, get on meds for bi polar go to the VA hospital regularly.

go to meetings on Sunday with me like he used to.

He told me he was ready, but his actions don't fit.

I don't care if he gets mad at me, that is NOT my problem. Hey girl I don't cook for him if he is a turkey. NO way. no way. won't do anything unless I want to becuz i feel good becuz he treats me right.

He will respect you for it. If he doesn't, shame on him and why would you want to live like that? Does not mean ya have to divorce.

I don't know if you are married or not?

snoopiness coming out...(C:

Well I feel like someone ran over my head and digestive system...ug. even not realy comfy in my bed. ug

hope I helped my friend. love,debilyn who wishes she did NOT make that salmon and baked potato. ug

whitie · Senior Member

((((bluebjade)))))

Boudries, boundries, and more boundries.

I relate my boundries to displining children. You must know what you're willing to put up with and then stick to your guns when you put them into action. Anything they throw back at you is just them trying to manipulate the situation. The more you do this the more they learn how serious you are. When they are throwing back in your face you will learn to detach from the throw back.

The steps will help you realize how strong you can be and teach you how to stand up for yourself. You're worth it. Keep coming back.....

Whitie

bluebjade · Member

Christy, there are no meeting in my area. I tried to do an online meeting once,here, but no luck, I couldn't figure it out. I tried to put my name in the little box and hit enter, but my pc is not the best in the world. I'm gonna have to take it to the shop and get it fixed. I need to find the steps and do my best to work them. Thank you so much for sharing and making a few thing clear to me.

Whitie, I want more than anything to set bounderies and apply them. In the same sense, I am not ready for the consequeces the will come my way. That is where my need for strength comes in.

I have only been coming here for a couple of weeks and this, is my attempt to reach out and find the help. Before, I came here, I never, ever talked about what is going on in my life. To be quite honest I don't know how to set bounderies with him and I don't know the steps. I am willing to try, scared, but willing. Thank you for taking the time to give me some information.

debilyn, my A is not always drinking when he does these things, he is just very controlling. Yes, I will admitt, that I allow the behavoir, but I don't know how to stop it. He is constantly throwing in my face, that he works and pays the bills and he deserves the respect. I do respect him and am grateful that he does support his family, but his definition of respect is totally different from mine. He has taken the meaning of "being head of the household" to a whole different level. I married him for better or worse, I had the better, that is why I married him, now I am getting the worse. I have tried to explain to him what being the "the head " is all about, I even showed it to him, he took what he liked and disregarded the rest, you know what I am talking about. The part where he is supposed to treat his family the way Jesus treated his deciples, he has totally disregarded, and being "the head", has gone to his head.

Thank you for taking the time to post, when you are feeling so bad. And yes, my dear friend you helped me very much. Love Jade.

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

bluejade,

So sorry there aren't meetings in your area. You may find the Step Board helpful. The link is in the upper left of the page along with the other "Links".

Have you got the latest update of Java? If not, that may get you to the chatroom.
You can get that here:
.
http://java.com/en/download/index.jsp

Keep coming back
Christy

Idealsummerluv · Senior Member

Hello and Welcome,

I hope you are able to get into an online meeting.

My sponsor says to me "Keep doing the same things and you'll get the same results." Being aware things need to change is a good start.

Keep coming back,

Kelly

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.