The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello... I was searching the net when I stumbled upon your board, it really seems like a great group, very helpful, etc...and now I'm hoping you can help me.
For the last couple of years I have been involved with a man. Yes, I knew he drank, yes on occassion to excess (okay, lots of occassions...but that is a whole mini novel in length!)
The last couple of months for us have been incredibly hard. Without a lot of details, lets just say he was in certain ways abusive (emotionally/verbally) and after him returning home one night on a drunken bender and doing something completely stupid I decided to leave. A week full of beligerent calls, me just trying to get things back to normal he informs me that he has joined AA, was a daily drinker (which shocked me) and is hoping we can get through this and get things back on track.
Yes I love him, but I am having a difficult time with how he treated me over the course of our relationship, being patient and watching things escalate to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and called it a day. At this point I have agreed to be nothing more then a friend. Someone to talk with, someone to go for walks with, and someone to listen when he needs an ear.
I want to believe he will change, that he will stick with AA and get his life back in order (it is a train wreck right now). I find myself still angry with the last few months of his behaviour and how he has treated me, but now I have to recognize that he has been lying to me about his drinking and God knows what else. How do I do it? How do I trust him? Where can I turn to for help??
It's nice to meet you, I'm so glad you found this site!
My husband is an alcoholic, but he's been sober for 2 years and 3 months. We were married just a little over three years when I found out he drank (he, as well as his family, told me he did NOT drink). He has been in treatment, as well as jail for 5 months (last year) for dui's. He is very involved in AA and I am very involved in Alanon. I chose to stay, though at times I thought I was going to boot his butt out the door. It was my choice to stay and try to work through this ugly mess.
My comments to you are that you are the one who will have to decide what you should do. No one can decide for you. I would suggest getting involved in Alanon, for your own sanity. In Alanon you will find out how to take care of yourself. You will find the strength to make it through the hard times. Your A (alcoholic/addict) will have to decide what he wants to do with his life. It's his choice, ultimately, whether he wants to continue down the road of addiction. You can only take care of yourself.
I hope you will continue to come back to this board and post. Also, be sure to visit our chat room, where you will find tons and tons of experience, strength and hope (ESH). The chat room is open 24/7, so feel free to pop in during the long nights ahead of you. Someone is almost always here.
Welcome to MIP. You will find experience, strength, and hope here at the Alanon board. It is the disease of alcoholism that we face. Sometimes we become sicker than the alcoholic. That why they tell us to go to Alanon -2f2 meetings are helpful, read the Alanon literature and learn as much as you can about alcoholism, and work on recovery yourself. You don't have to take abuse.
you have already started to help you by coming here. Now find a face to face meeting where you are.
Look in the phone book. Call dept of human services. i know someone on here knows a site you can go to. Christy???
You can also go to open AA meetings with him if you like.
books, literature on alcoholism helped me so much.
Getting Them Sober is excellent, easy to read and understand.
I am so glad you had the courage to leave, good for you!
The hard thing is, they have a horrible disease. It does not go away becuz they are in AA. They hopefully will set up their life to be better people, a plan of recovery.
But relapse, or using again, is always there and usually does happen.
They may go to rehab a bunch of times before they are ready to really stick on their program.
the best thing again is for you to educate yourself.
What a painful reality it is to accept that we cannot fix what does not want to be fixed. A therapist of mine once gave me this short story to chew over:
Humpty dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty dumpty had a great fall. All the king's horses and all the king's men came, and one was a paramedic. "Do not worry, Humpty!" He cried, "I will fix you!" "No!" Humpty cried emphatically, "There isn't anything to fix! There is no problem! Go away!" So, all of the kings men--except the paramedic left. "I will come and check on you later. You will see," Humpty, responded with "Fine, but you are simply waisting your time."
Some time later the paramedic returned, and this time he came bearing some literature about great falls. "Humpty, don't you see? You're not the first! There is help for great falls!" Humpty, however, was obstinante. "There is no problem! Why can't you just leave me alone?" The paramedic softened his voice, "Humpty, you come from a great line of fallers--there is nothing to feel ashamed of..." Now, Humpty--still in shards--was angry: "Go away now! I want nothing of you!" So, hurt that his good work was rejected, the paramedic rode away.
Again later, the paramedic returned, with someone who was a recovering faller. Although it was obvious that he was not the being he was before the fall, he had recovered himself enough to ride his own horse; hold a job; he even met with other fall-ers who were working, one day at a time, to not go back to the wall and fall! "I think you should know," the recovering fall-er told the paramedic, "that until Humpty is completely ready to surrender and embrace that HE is causing his misery, there is NOTHING you or any person, institution or place in the kingdom can do for him." The paramedic, however, was not swayed; "Just talk to him," he pleaded. So, the paramedic, the recovering fall-er, and Humpty met--and Humpty did like the recovering fall-er and his ideas, but was adamant: any problems that he was experiencing were because of Mrs. Dumpty; the little Dumpty's; his job; his Father and Mother Dumpty. Humpty had excuses to build and, just like the recovering fall-er predicted, he was not ready. "He is suffering from resentment, self pity, fearfulness, and other forms of self hatred;" the recovering fall-er explained to the despondent paramedic, "There is nothing you can do. However, my wife and children have their own group, it's for families and friends of recovering fall-ers, and they have found ways of living. They were happy for many years before I decided to stop falling off walls. " The paramedic was intrigued; he deeply cared for Humpty, because, after all, all creatures in this kingdom were his friends, and he was very concerned that Humpty might die! But again, the recovering fall-er was reassuring--"These meetings do not discuss religion; they simply suggest that there is an entity that is bigger than our family falling disease. After all, you wouldn't go these extra ordinary lengths to rescue Humpty if you didn't care so much for him, would you?"
So, the paramedic took the recovering fall-er's suggestion and did go to these meetings. He couldn't believe it! He saw his neighbors, some people he knew from his grocery store, and people he didn't know had been affected by Wall Falling. And their stories were so much like his! And they reassured the paramedic--when Humpty Dumpty was ready to seek help for recovery, Humpty Dumpty needed to get help for HIMSELF. In the mean time, the paramedic needed to help himself, too. Humpty's wall falling had affected the paramedic to the point that he wouldn't think or react "normally" in emotional or stressful situations, and this was directly because of the wall falling. But there was a solution! The 12 Steps of Wall Falling help to address the thinking, feeling, and living as they relate to the families and friends of Wall Fall-ers. And help was availible for the paramedic, too, he was reassured--just ask.
The paramedic heard some time, quite, quite some time later, actually, that Humpty did decide to get help for wall falling. But in the mean time, he had gotten a sponsor, worked the 12 steps of Wall Falling, and gotten involved with a home group. He was glad to hear that Humpty had gotten involved with Wall Fall-ers Anonymous, but even better for the fact that Humpty had decided to stop wall falling for himself, without outside interference.
Obviously, we call ourselves Al Anon vs Wall Fall-ers. But I hope you get the gist. Look up local face to face meetings in your area--there you can get REAL hugs. And know that yes! it works!
Hi First Time and welcome to MIP. I think you have set a great boundary by letting him know what you will take and what you will not. Remember, you must stick to boundaries you set, otherwise they mean nothing. OK, so now he is attending AA meetings. Perhaps he needs to prove to you, by a year's sobriety, that he can be trusted. Once we lose our trust, it is extremely hard to get back. THis man is someone you have no legal ties with, and I would certainly be in no hurry to establish any.
Please try attending some Al Anon meetings in your area. You will learn how to deal with the problem, and most important, how to focus on yourself, and see to your happiness and peace, with him or without him.
In a case like yours, I always remind the person in your place that it's a happy, healthy world out there, full of people who are mentally healthy. Please do not let this man get you mired in a situation you don't want to deal with.
There are people here who care, and will support you no matter what you decide to do. Just keep yourself and your needs first. If that means kicking him to the curb for good, so be it.
I am not advising you or in any way, "telling you what to do." I simply want you to know you have a tough road ahead with this man, and I, myself, wouldn't travel down it.
With caring and concern, Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
"I simply want you to know you have a tough road ahead with this man, and I, myself, wouldn't travel down it"
I agree with Diva's message to you, if you have had the courage to walk away, then you can support him in a friendship way but why travel down the road with him as his partner. You are not married to him and you have shown such courage to leave. I am not married to my AA and live with him. I wish I could have that courage.
I am also fairly new to the site, it has helped me alot to stop putting all the blame on myself, cause thats what my AA does. I also bought the book Getting Them Sober and it is very good, I can highly recommend it. It helps me to stop blaming me - thats what AA's do BLAME BLAME BLAME. It helps me to release the anger.
I may sound negative, but until he is sober for at least 10 years, dont go down the path again, you have come to far.
