The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been in and out of al-anon so many times, it is not funny. Of course I only come around when I have a crisis. I can feel myself definitely going in a different direction than what I am accustomed to regarding my husband and his relapses. I really feel that he doesn't want to get better and this is the way it is and will be until he dies from either alcoholism or diabetes. I guess my question is how do you just stand by and watch for the end? In the mean time I have to endure the horrible verbal abuse and lies. How is it they can abuse us and no one else. Why don't they just go out into the world, pick a name out of the hat, and abuse them instead? I'm sorry for venting, but I really have had it. It has taken me 10 years to feel this way. Is the anger stage normal, after sadness, after anger, after sadness. I feel like a yo-yo. Any words of encouragement or support would be great. Thanks in advance.
Welcome to the board. I know exactly how you are feeling and I think it is normal to feel anger, then sadness, anger then sadness. I have been going through that a lot lately. All I can suggest is that for me it is really important to keep connected to this board, and to go to face to face ALANon meetings are definitely helping me. The more that I isolate myself and get depressed, the worse it is. My husband is not my best friend anymore that I can go to with my problems, he is not "present" while he is active in his disease. There are good, caring people out there in the world that are and will be there for you.
It is essential for my recovery to stay connected with others who are in the same boat. There are wonderful people here to help support you and know what you are going through. It is such a painful, lonely time, I know, but the board here tends to ease it and you have a way to vent.
I am sorry for what you are going through, but you are definitely not alone. Read the posts here and keep coming back. You deserve a happy, wonderful life... we all do.
We all understand where you are. Many of us are still there, including me. My emotions were all over the map, and until I started living my program (about 6 months ago) I couldn't get away from the "... she hates me... she loves me... she's so abusive... she's so compassionate..." 4 observations all about her. I still do that sometimes, but it is getting better.
Our life is all about us. I pass people on the street every day, some of them like me and some of them don't. That doesn't bother me one way or the other, but let my spouse say one thing sideways and I fall apart. That shows me how sick I am.
If I only work on me when she is at her worst, then I am doing me an injustice. I deserve the program all the time. <smiling>
I am so happy for you... that sounds sarcastic doesn't it? You are coming to a place where you can be reminded the most important part of your life is you and your relationship with your HP. It would be nice if the A's in our lives where able to really live in that serenity with us, but it's definitely not a requirement for you to get there.
I am learning that to be true, I am not happy about the thought that my AW may never seek help and get better, but I am relieved to know that I don't have to be consumed with it if I choose not to be. Easier said than done... but I know it to be possible due to the wonderful people on this board and meetings.
I hope you will keep posting and give the F2F meetings another try. Most importantly I hope you do something for you today! You deserve it!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Hate that you are in this situation - It is tough to watch our loved ones take that spiral downhill to their bottom - It is so sad, but you can take care of you. You deserve it.
I urge you to keep going to those Al-Anon meetings, keep posting here and keep reaching out for help - You will find what we have; that you can live a happier life whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.
Don't stop before the miracle happens in You - You deserve it,
Living life One Day at a Time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Welcome back. It doesn't matter how long it took you to come back, just that your back. I remember a time not too long ago that I vassilated between anger, rage, and sadness. I was really miserable and probably created a great deal of chaos and unhappy feelings for everyone in the house. I'm learning now after really focusing on myself and this program that I don't have to take the verbal abuse and his anger. I can choose to walk away and keep my dignity and respect. It is not easy for me to do this because I'm used to fighting back. It's useless for me to fight back we never accomplish anything that way. Keep coming back and if you get a chance try a face to face meeting. It does work if you work it.
ODAT,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
"Why don't they just go out into the world, pick a name out of the hat, and abuse them instead? "
I'm sorry, but I had to laugh when I read this. Why indeed? Probably because that person would just deck 'em. We, meanwhile, take it.
Seriously, I think it has something to do with their guilt - they do know, often, that we don't deserve to be treated the way they treat us. Therefore, in order to be able to look themselves in the mirror, they need to come up with reasons why it's all OUR fault. All the poison they spew out on us, is really how they feel about themselves. Doesn't make it any nicer to be on the receiving end, but knowing this makes it easier to find some compassion.
Welcome back to Alanon. This board and f2f meetings have been a life saver for me. It is about the disease of alcoholism. I have always asked my AHsober why he treats me differently than everybody else. My first mistake is going to the source - my AH!
I guess in the whole scheme of things our HP gives us our own struggles. Sad to say some of us won't make it. My father and father-in-law died alcoholics. Maybe their sacrifice allows me my own recovery. Hopefully you A will find his HP as his guide.
Meanwhile, as difficult as it is, we are to focus on ourselves and work our own program. We are sick too but there is always hope. Keep coming back.
I loved that too..."pick on someone else"....and you're right--any "normal" person would deck em'. Anyway...
New to this board. I have been seperated on/off from AH for 5 years. (out of 12) About once year, (whenever I date someone) I show up at his house and you know what happens then. I just can't help myself. (I can't be with anyone else. I always wonder if I'm just back for more of the verbal abuse, if I simply NEED someone to take care of (which makes it partly 'MY" problem too) or if I "enjoy" the roller-coaster ride that an A brings into our life. Or is it just "fate" that we stay together. After 5 years sep I never have gotten a divorce. I just can't let go. I've always loved this man. When I'm around he doesn't drink for a year or so and he's a good husband. If he could solve his anger/family issues I think he'd stop for good. Of course, I always think the best in any situation. My grown kids though get sick of this relationship. I'm a strong indipendent woman, support myself and go for months or a year without seeing him. (During which time he leaves me drunken love messages, etc. begging me to come home. ) He says "I only drink because I don't know what to do without my wife..."
His dad died at 54 (my AH is 47) and they are so much alike. I don't want to see him drink himself to death but I have a life too. He misses our grandson but the only thing he remembers about "Papa" is "the day Papa threw the TV". Funny what kids remember. He's only 4 and that was 2 years ago.
I'd let him back in if I thought it was for good. I really do want to be married for life. And I do love him. I just hate the disease. Too bad they go hand & hand.
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female,seperated,factoryworker,3 grown kids, one grandson
I remember a time not too long ago that I vassilated between anger, rage, and sadness. I was really miserable and probably created a great deal of chaos and unhappy feelings for everyone in the house. I'm learning now after really focusing on myself and this program that I don't have to take the verbal abuse and his anger. I can choose to walk away and keep my dignity and respect. It is not easy for me to do this because I'm used to fighting back. It's useless for me to fight back we never accomplish anything that way. Keep coming back and if you get a chance try a face to face meeting. It does work if you work it.