The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am finally beginning to see that my husband is an alcoholic. His problem started very subtly and is still sometimes hard to detect. Without going into ten years of history, I'll try to give you a short run-down.
We've been married 22 years; two children - ages 16 and 10. About ten years ago or so I suspected my husband of drinking "on the sly". This was almost always on the weekends. As the years have progressed, I now know that he has been doing this. As I've said, it started subtly. Even now, he is rarely blatantly "drunk". However, he does have times where he has problems that I can detect. Not to mention the smell of alcohol. For years, he denied any kind of drinking during the day even though I've found hidden bottles and shared with him what I witnessed. However, a few weeks ago (during a disagreement) he told me he quit drinking during the day. I saw this as an admission, which I feel is huge. Despite the admission, I believe he is still struggling and has "slipped" a few times.
I have never out and out discussed this with our kids. I also suspect some physical problems that I haven't been able to figure out - dh will NOT see any doctor. The kids are aware of my concerns about my husband's physical well-being.
I've never attended an Al-Anon meeting, but have been trying to subscribe to the beliefs of not searching for booze, not checking to see how much he drinks, not discussing it when I suspect he's been drinking. I'm trying also to take care of myself and love my husband since he is a very good man.
My questions - first, do I sit down with the kids and tell them exactly what I suspect is the problem? If so, do I warn my husband that I will be doing this? And my biggee - How do you put up with the deception and lies and continue to stay in the marriage. This still is mainly "weekend" behavior. We have a pretty happy family during the week. Then, on the weekends things fall apart. I beieve when he starts drinking is when he gets argumentative and demanding - especially with the kids. Then he basically falls asleep. I have started taking the kids places when he acts like that - simply to remove them from the situation. It is so hard - I love my husband, and I know he loves us. I know my story isn't new, but I'd like some advice.
And welcome. I love your name - my mom prefers to be called "Mimi" instead of "Grandma"!!!
Anyway, so glad you are here. I am fairly new to ALANON myself, and I relate to your pain and situation. My husband and I have been married 17 years. He had a year without alcohol last year - it was the best year of our lives together. This year he horribly relapsed, and it is not getting any better. I know how you feel about your husband being a good man, mine is too. Though when drinking, he gets angrier and angrier with life, with himself, and with me (not ever physically threatening, but just mad about everything). Then feels bad. Then drinks again.
All I can tell you is to read, read, read these posts daily if you can. AND post how you are feeling, you will get much support and advice. I am still trying to learn the tools in this program; "detachment with love" and other tools, it is a process. It sounds like you are already practicing detachment when you leave the situation with your kids.
I have learned here to let the alcoholic take responsibility for his/her actions. That can be really tough when you are in a close relationship with someone. I don't know about you but I am used to taking care of him, and covering up for his shortfalls because of alcohol. I am really working on stopping that.
You are in the right place, there is much support and love here. Also if you can go to a face to face meeting in your city, I have learned so much from those. If you can find a sponsor and begin working the steps I know your life will change.
I know I was desperate when I came here. Full of fear and pain and anger and confusion. I am beginning to feel a whole lot better. How we react to the As behavior has a lot to do with it.
Please take care of yourself and keep coming back...
Thanks, Heidi! You know, my husband has very few consequences for his drinking. That's both a positive and a negative as I see it.
Positive, because he's never had a DUI or missed a day of work. (I have had to ask him to pull over while we've been together, though. I will not ride with him if I even suspect he's been drinking!) Anyway, having no consequences means he doesn't have to deal with his drinking atl all. The only consequence I can see, which he DOESN'T, is how it is affecting his relationship with myself and our kids. Again, this is mainly a "weekend thing", but during those times it can be out of control for him.
Oh, one more thing. I truly believe my husband is ADD and suffers from some degree of depression. I think the alcohol is his way of self-medicating himself. Anyone else out there with these same situations?
Welcome Aboard!! Hard for me to answer the question about your children without knowing them. With my son opening a conversation and talking it out was good, sometimes with my daughter it was best to let her to come to me.. I do know that going to meetings and getting some alanon literature sure helps. It also helped my kids. I left it laying around and soon "caught" them reading it.
I think removing yourself and your children from a demanding and argumentative situation is great, no reason to not go and enjoy yourselves in some way! The deception and lies thing...oh boy...I am learning that is alcoholic behavior and I am trying not to expect the alcoholic/addict not to act like one....
Sounds like u have taken good first steps. We have online meetings here and a chatroom that have provided me with some great support. Glad you posted!
Mimi, you certainly have a great deal of energy. You also certainly have a great deal of labels you are eager to paste on your alcholic. Whether this is to give you a sense of control or of comfort is negligible, but it is important that some basics get nailed down.
Go to an al anon meeting in your area. Al anon is, as you have concluded, for those whose loved ones whose lives are affected by alchol. To be inclusive of all, we simply say that "We believe that they have a problem with alchol and that their problem is causing us harm." Period. End of story. No flowers necessary. Do not make a big production out of going to an al anon meeting--in other words, look up when and where the meeting is being held and GO! JUST GO! Don't tell the world, don't announce it to the press, just get in your car and GO!
The al anon meeting will have literature there availible, in the form of pamphlets, books, magazines and many will have phone lists of members who are willing to talk after the meeting and between meetings. Take these with you--some of the literature will be free, some will have a cost, and it will educate you on what alcholism is (it is more than getting drunk every night of the week), how it affects the family (you're obviously not asking for help from us because you've won the lottery), and what you can do with what you learn in Al Anon (our suggestions are suggestions for living). This literature will also direct you on talking to your children about what is going on with their father, although they've probably got a better grip on the situation than you suspect.
It is recommended that you go to 6-8 meetings before you decide whether to quit or stay with al anon and that you do not, absolutely do not say to someone in active disease "I'm going to Al Anon. You should go to AA." Ultimately, you cannot make someone want to get sober or want a program. They need to hit bottom and want it for themselves.
As for ADD/ADHD, reguardless of this condition, it would be diagnosed by a professional.
Yes, I do have a lot of energy. As a wife, mother, and teacher I need that energy. I also need that energy to learn what I can to help myself and my family.
As far as tacking "labels" on my husband, I apologize if that somewho offends you - I'm not sure how that would be possible, though. He admits he is most likely ADD. As a mother who has a diagnosed son, I'd put my money on it. As for the depression, it runs in the family, and I'm not the only person who is close to my husband who has come up with this.
Please save your anger for someone else, Tiger. I'm not willing to accept it; I came here for support.
FIRST OFF-THERE ARE FOLKS HERE WHO HAVE BEEN THERE -DONE THAT----NO MATTER WHAT YOUR SITUATION IS
ALCOHOL ABUSERS ARE NOT ALL ALCOHOLICS
MY OPINION ONLY AND NOT "THE WORD" A LOT OF FOLKS WITH DEPRESSION USE ALCOHOL AS THEIR RUBBER CRUTCH
IF--IF YOU HAVE A CORDIAL ATMOSPHERE ALL WEEK LONG AND YOU FEEL THAT DEPRESSION MAY BE A FACTOR-HE MAY FEEL THE SAME WAY--IF YOU TARGET THE DEPRESSION AS YOUR CONCERN AND NOT THE ALCOHOL---YOU MAY BE ABLE TO COERSE HIM INTO SEEING A DOCTOR FOR THAT PROBLEM---EVERYONE HERE WILL PROBABLY SAY---DO NOT CONFRONT THE ALCOHOL BECAUSE THAT IS TOTALLY OUT OF YOUR HANDS-AND IT "IS" OUT OF YOUR HANDS
THIS AL-ANON GROUP ONCE AGAIN HAS A LOT OF EXPERIENCE AND EMPATHY--AL-ANON IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL NO MATTER WHAT LIFE THROWS AT YOU...
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO LIVE UNDER A LOT OF CONDITIONS THAT I READ ABOUT--BUT I KNOW THAT THERE ARE REALLY GOOD FOLKS HERE THAT FEEL YOUR PAIN AND YOUR CONCERN FOR A BASICALLY "GOOD MAN"
THESE ARE ONLY MY VIEWS-ALL THE DECISIONS AND CHOICES ARE YOURS...
Sorry that it came out that way, Mimi. But one of the things I do pick up often in newcomers--I was one too, I'm guilty of this too--is that if I can name it, I can fix it. If can claim it, I can deal with it.
And as for support, I already said it. Go to the meetings. This is not al anon approved message board. It's simply a place some of us come to shoot the breeze and chew the fat. The people at meetings will have all the information you need and want. And as we say--take what you want and leave the rest.
mimi, I very much identify with your situation. The A in my life is a weekend drinker and has been for years. He never misses a day's work, never has had any problems legally with it, but there it is. His drinking changes him from a sweet humorous guy who is well-liked and respected to someone his family does not even want to deal with on SA and SU. He is angry and often has outbursts when he even gets around us. He married late in life to a really neat woman. They have a 13 month old child whom I keep daily. But in less than 5 years of marriage, she made the decision to divorce him. So now he is living alone and seeing his baby almost daily but at her discretion. Weekend drinking is terrible for families when that is the time for quality family time together. You do not say how old your children are, but if they are at least school age I am sure they already know that something is very wrong. I believe in telling kids the truth. If you can take the information given to you here on this site and get yourself familiar with the tools of alanon, I believe you will find a way to help yourself and to help your children. With as many years of marriage as you already have together, I hope you will be one of the lucky ones who can salvage your marriage. The A in my life was not given any chance to get himself together before he was out of the marriage. After this heartbreaking loss, he is trying to make some changes, but living alone, being depressed, and trying to do it on his own, I am not sure how successful he is going to be. Keep coming to this site, mimi. Don't let the tone of voice of some of the people here turn your off. They are just speaking from their hearts and from experiences, many of which are much much more severe than the one you are living right now. I say this because I, too, have been hurt and bruised a bit with some of the post reponses I have received, but on the whole, they are just being truthful and giving you their best. You are in my prayers and I hope you will strengthen your resolve with the help of your HP.
Thank you for the support omajoy. It is so appreciated. I will pray for your friend - it sounds like he wasn't given the opportunity to turn things around. I love my husband and continue to hope and pray for changes. I just need to keep myself healthy while I do that. This site is awesome!
hi Mimi :) i'm kinda new here myself. one of my ex A's had 3 kids, the 3-yr-old and the 4-yr-old only understood things like "daddy is sick and needs to get better." the 9-yr-old, we went to the library to get her a book for kids on alcoholism, maybe they have some on the book list here, for kids? it helped her a lot. i went to Al-Anon, she was too young for Alateen but they gave me the pamplets and worksheets the older kids got, i worked through them with her, helping explain the bigger concepts. it really helped to just focus on the kids, and let my ex-A do his own thing. that was very, very difficult and painful, but less painful than getting wrapped up in his sickness and feeling sick myself, you know?
edited to add: i have a 22-month-old daughter, and my A is 21 years clean & sober. we're looking at a life together, i'm taking it slow, day by day. not making any big decisions. one of the things i have to think about is my daughter ... what do we tell her? even though he's not drinking or using, since he's active with AA and i'm getting active with Al-Anon, she'll be exposed to recovery work. my thought is, i'll explain it to her age-appropriately, and hopefully his sobriety will be a good example to her as she gets older. (however, if he falls off the wagon, he's getting kicked to the curb, we both agreed wholeheartedly on that at the very start.)
IMO i don't think it's a bad thing for kids to see adults working through their problems, as long as we don't lean on them too hard ... it's a good reality check for them to know adults are fallible, human and working on making their way through the world just as hard as kids do! it helps them see that we have faults BUT we take care of them, which can lead to reassuring, deep trust. and there are so many good lessons to learn in recovery that can be shared with children, like "one day at a time" even if children apply that concept to waiting for their birthday without freaking out *lol*
We are so glad that you are here.. !! This board has been such a GREAT place for me.. I have grown and learned so much from the people here on this message board. Let me share alittle it may help in some way..
I have been married to my husband nearly 20 years we have 2 teenagers 17 and 15.. My husband started subtly too.. First a six pack a few years later a twelve pack every few days then before you know it every other day. Anyway, I remember going to a counselor and she ask me if my husband was an alcoholic and I said I didnt know.. She said go to Barnes and Noble and read as much as you can about the disease of alcoholism. I did !! About 4 years ago when I felt that I could talk about the disease I explained to the kids. They were old enough to understand and I felt that I had enough knowledge to answer basic questions. I think that it helped the kids, they felt that when Dad yelled at them it was their fault. Now they see that it isnt them it is the disease talking.. I am not sure if in the long run it will help but I did what I thought was right.
I will tell you that alanon has helped me see that I have absolutely NO control over him and what he does. I tried, lord knows I tried but I just became more angry, frusterated and felt so much like a failure..
My advise is simple, learn as much as you can about this disease. Find an ALANON meeting and learn from those who are further on the road of recovery.. Recovery for YOU not for your husband.. In alanon we learn that WE can recover even if they choose not to !! FOCUS on YOU, turn the focus from your husband and what he does.. You will feel better and so will the kids.. I cant tell you how many beers I dumped out before ALANON.. I am not saying that it will be easy but turning the focus on you and your kids will help !! You have already started taking the kids out when you know that he has been drinking.. That is GREAT progress already !! Keep posting, keep reading and take one day at a time ..
I hope this all made sense to you .. I am glad that you are here !
Hi Mimi, please do not be put off by one member. There are some who are new to alanon, and have strong personalities. Plus we are not to tell others what to do.
We share our experiences and suggest ideas. I was impressed at your honestly as to how you felt.
I am very touchy about members sounding rude and attacking others in alanon. I feel I have to soften it somehow so we don't lose our newbies!!
Remember many of us are hurting and some are left angry and don't mean to take their stuff out on others. I have a couple times and felt awful!!
I love that you came here and you are looking for help.
If it were me, I would educate myself about alcoholism before I really got into it with the kids. No I would not tell my A husband.
I would go to book stores and find books for teens on alcoholism. They probably know more about it than we do! And books for you too. "Getting Them Sober" is an excellent one. I also read the Big Book a lot. I like to read things for the A to learn more.
I believe it is so important to know and share to others, it is a real disease and they are sick. They do not choose this behavior, they are driven to it.
I have layed in bed and my soy dream chocolate mocha calls to me from the freezer. Gads what if I felt like that all day????
That is putting it simply. But I cannot imagine being called by alcohol. Thinking about the way it feels to buy it, have it, drink it. u no?
They like the whole scenerio of it. Just like a heroin addict and their needle and stuff.
I am glad you are here. You are so right, we don't need to talk to the A about anything. They know more than we do. To take care of ourselves makes them feel better. I sure hated it when my pms made others miserable. Was awful. I felt so guilty when I got better that things were still a mess.
The one thing you might do is leave the literature around. Get AA stuff too. Leave it around.
If he asks, you might say well I was only curious about things. Leave it at that. Keep it light.
My A would pick up the Big Book a lot. There is a great movie about the beginning of AA. I think it is James Woods in it. A and I watched it together.
They really may not know how strong it is, how serious.
I am glad you are here, am also again impressed with your standing up for you!!
Even if we don't agree with someone or if we feel they are being a turkey, we can still learn from them. And we can learn from our own reactions.
much love,KEEP CoMINg and that is an order...(c: love,debilyn
I feel some replies to this threatening, I did not get what some got from Mimi's email and am certainly not aware of the all the criteria needed to cope, you must go to meeting, you must do this etc, I realise that meeting are obviously beneficial but I personally cannot get to one at present and find this board whether official or unofficial to be beneficial to me. While I find some of posts are helpful, some on this made me feel uncomfortable.
hi mimi , I would play it by ear as to whether to tell a child about someone's addiction. It might depend on how much it's affecting them perhaps , eg if his bad moods are starting to upset them you might want to explain that it's not OK what he's doing in your eyes and/or why , but as the others here have indicated I don't think there are any rules about that really . It may also happen that his moods do not affect them for instance . And as Greta says you might even respond differently to each child ,
From what I understand in the programme we might hint briefly to the A that he/she has a problem , but no we don't always have to discuss other things with the A like our conversations with other people ,
hope you find the programme helpful , llol Vickyr x
Mimi, you certainly have a great deal of energy. You also certainly have a great deal of labels you are eager to paste on your alcholic. Whether this is to give you a sense of control or of comfort is negligible, but it is important that some basics get nailed down. 
Go to an al anon meeting in your area. Al anon is, as you have concluded, for those whose loved ones whose lives are affected by alchol. To be inclusive of all, we simply say that "We believe that they have a problem with alchol and that their problem is causing us harm." Period. End of story. No flowers necessary. Do not make a big production out of going to an al anon meeting--in other words, look up when and where the meeting is being held and GO! JUST GO! Don't tell the world, don't announce it to the press, just get in your car and GO! 
The al anon meeting will have literature there availible, in the form of pamphlets, books, magazines and many will have phone lists of members who are willing to talk after the meeting and between meetings. Take these with you--some of the literature will be free, some will have a cost, and it will educate you on what alcholism is (it is more than getting drunk every night of the week), how it affects the family (you're obviously not asking for help from us because you've won the lottery), and what you can do with what you learn in Al Anon (our suggestions are suggestions for living). This literature will also direct you on talking to your children about what is going on with their father, although they've probably got a better grip on the situation than you suspect. 
