The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It occurs to me the worst bit about what I live through? It isn't the anger, it isn't the resentment, it isn't the blaming, it isn't the shaming nor the self martyrdom. It is the all too brief flashes you get of what they once were. The tantalising glimpses you are shown of what might have been.
It must be what it is like living with an Alzheimer's sufferer.
I often thought that there was a link to a form of schizophrenia in all this. When she is "going off on one" (what I mean is a drunken rant without the alcohol!) I am left thinking "if I am as bad as that, what are you still doing here?". These days are depressingly becoming the norm although there still is the occasional "good day". I still have to tend to tread on eggshells even on these days, as her sense of humour is no longer present, but it is these that keep me here. For now.
What is it I wonder that lets them wake up one day and allows them to be "a human being" and take part in life? Whereas other days they awaken as "an alcoholic" and their entire life, as well as everyone else's, revolves around this fact. It is so unfair that children have to be a part of this, it makes them grow up so quickly and bypass much of childhood.
Last night she was still raking over old coals from the past. I finally stopped her and told her to deal with her issues herself. That they were her issues. I had my own issues that I didn't burden her with and that I was dealing with in my own way. You gave me the strength to do this. Thank you.
Thank you for the very insightful thoughts this morning. I spend most of my sleepless nights thinking of the exact situation you have described. The what might have been is the most heartbreaking.
I have been in alaon over 5 years. But I am not at the point of some members who say they are grateful to the disease because it brought them to alanon. I am merely grateful for alanon and hate the disease. And maybe I need to let go of my anger and resentment towards the disease. Anger and resentment aren't good for me to hold onto.
But I do see the disease as robbing people of so much. It almost killed my 18 year old nephew and his girlfriend. He drove his truck into a tree. Angels were certainly watching over them to have survived this crash. This week, he starts alcohol treatment.
My father can be a very negative person. And he still drinks. I hold onto those times when he is in a decent mood. Not those times when his depression/drinking stages make him appear to be the shell of the man he really is.
I have just got to the stage where I have been able to say to my A husband I harbour a lot of resentments and they are ... I was also able to say I don't like the person I have become cold, unfeeling etc. For me these were huge steps. I have been married 22 years so you are doing great. It will get better these tools will make you stronger. Luv Leo xxx
