The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
ALTHOUGH MY MONIKER SAYS NEWBIE-I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN HERE FOR WELL OVER A YEAR-I DROPPED OUT BECAUSE MY VIEWS STEPPED ON SOME TOES AND I NEVER MEANT TO DO THAT-I RE-SIGNED UP AND I WILL TRY AND CURB MY THOUGHTS
WHEN MY X-A WENT INTO DETOX AND REHAB THE LAST TIME-I MET WITH HER COUNSELOR AND SHE RECOMMENDED THAT I CHECK OUT AL-ANON BECAUSE OF MY ANGER AND FRUSTRATION---SO I SIGNED UP LAST YEAR AND STARTED READING POSTS AND REALIZED THAT FOLKS OUT THERE HAVE SOME REAL PROBLEMS AND MINE SEEMED SO TRIVIAL----ANYWAY, MY WIFE AT THE TIME TOOK REAL OFFENSE AT THE FACT THAT I WAS IN THE AL-ANON GROUP---SHE ASSUMED I WAS ON THE NET AND TELLING MY STORY AND GETTING ALL THIS SYMPATHY FROM DOZENS OF LADIES OUT THERE---TRUTH IS I WAS JUST A READER-I HAVE NEVER EVEN SHARED MY STORY TO THE GROUP BECAUSE I REALIZED MY PROBLEMS WERE NOTHING I COULDN'T HANDLE MYSELF--SO MY JOINING AL-ANON CAUSED UN-WARRANTED STRESS TO MY WIFE (EX)
WHAT I HAVE FOUND OUT WHILE READING MANY POSTS IS THAT THERE ARE MANY WOMEN OUT THERE THAT ARE LIVING IN A VERY CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENT AND MANY ACTIVE A'S ARE VERY DOMINEERING AND THREATENING--FOR THEIR OWN SAFETY MANY WOMEN HAVE TO GET INTO AL-ANON ON THE SLY AND GAIN SOME SELF ESTEEM AND PERSONAL STRENGTH BEFORE THE CHANGES THEY LEARN FROM OTHERS IN AL-ANON ALLOW THEM TO MANIFEST THEIR NEW SELF ONTO THE ACTIVE A AND LET HIM DEAL WITH IT---SOME FOLKS HERE GAIN STRENGTH AND POWER VERY QUICKLY-I APPLAUD EVERY ONE OF THEM IT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF ACTIVE A'S FEEL VERY THREATENED BY THE FACT THAT THEIR SPOUSE MAY BE SEEKING A MORE SANE OUTLOOK ON LIFE
I didn't tell my A that I was going at first. I wanted to check it out and get a feel for it. Once I started going, I found such peace and support and somehow found the courage to tell him. He was furious of course and did what I suppose they all do..."You talk about me" and "What if there are people we know there", but I told him I was going just the same and that it was something I was doing for me not him. He somehow convinced himself that I went just once and when he figured out I was still going, we had to go through it again. I told him I was going and that it made me feel better. When we were getting along, I would share some of the things I learned and I thought I was getting through. WRONG! But you know what? That's ok. It got through to me.
I was talking to my sponsor today and she reminded me that this disease sometimes makes us more sick than our "A" and we need to keep working the program to take care of us. So very true. I went to my meeting this week after not going for months. It helped so much and made me feel good again at a time when I really need it. I'll always be grateful for Al-Anon and I just have to remind myself that I have to go to meetings even when I don't feel like it.
Last thing - I wanted to mention that I so agree with Richard's post. I think many of us find ourselves in very controlling and sometimes abusive relationships. Someone at my meeting calls Al-Anon her "medicine." What's that saying? Something about work the program and it works for you? Anyway - whether or not they know doesn't matter. It isn't about them. It's about doing it for ourselves.
I was under the impression I was the only one who basically had to do this on the sly. I read the boards here for a while without posting. My AH has this infuriating habit of checking through my history and cookies to see where I'm going. Even reads my email. I have come to believe he checks me out because he's doing things I likely wouldn't approve of.
He did ask me one night what I was doing here at this Al-Anon site. He was very upset; didn't think I needed to be airing our 'dirty laundry'. My first reaction was to make light of it, try to cover it up as I have always done. It's amazing how his alcoholism has caused me to tell little white lies to defend myself against absolutely nothing. I suppose that's another story all in itself. Anyway, after my initial reaction, I remembered reading here that I have to put the focus on myself or I can't get well. So, I did tell him that I had been seeking some insight as to how to cope with his alcoholism after trying to do so by myself for so many years. He really was upset about it, but in the end, I told him it wasn't for him to be concerned with. He hasn't mentioned it again, but there's evidence that he's still intrusive enough to go checking the computer history.
I know this wasn't part of the original question, but I can see him noticing slight changes in my attitude towards him and at the same time, I can feel him being a bit uncomfortable with that. I think he's unsure what to expect from me anymore and consequently behaves worse than usual. That's okay though. I'm gaining a lot of knowledge from everyone here. Most importantly, I'm feeling an iota of hope, which I didn't have before. So for that, I owe each of you a tremendous thank you.
my first time around my ah kept telling me to go. so i finally sent for a schedual. but by the time it came in the mail my ah had started using again, took the schedual out of the mail before i could see it and i thought for the longest time that i just didn't get one (crazy irresponsible whiners those alanoners!) but when i finally started going it was for support to leave him and i kind of needled him with the fact that i was going and i started understanding the lingo. haha! but it didn't stick and i stopped going after about a year. but when i came back i was at my bottom and i could have honestly cared less what he thought about me getting help. i knew i needed it just to survive. and that continues thru today. my ah is mentally ill and totally unpredictable in his response to things so i understand those who don't feel that they can say anything. but in the end i feel it's a program for me so it's really no one's business where i choose to spend an hour or two. if they care they ask. most don't i have found they are just so damn happy to have us off their backs why question it?lol
For my A, it freaked him out. I would talk like an alanoner. He told me alanon was an A's biggest enemy.
The disease knows we stop "playing with it and feeding it."
We are no fun anymore.
It took my AH awhile to believe that I would learn so much online. But I am a person who does not like to leave home much and I am disabled in a way that I cannot sit still well.
Anyway he gave up trying to say anything anymore. Got even more quiet. If he tried the A bs. I would say geez if it were me I sure would not make that choice.
I stopped cooking for him, doing his wash. Told him I don't do things for people who do not treat me right, I am too nice for that.
Then I began saying hey there is the door. I have always told you, if you don't like it here, or if you don't want to be with me then don't.
I do not want anyone to be with me unless they want to, simple as that.
Now after almost six years of daily alanon, he said in his last letter, well you can detach, but I have to work on staying on my program. So he believes me now.
I don't argue, I don't freak out, I only say what i mean. I won't take any bs.
I love him if I feel it. If I feel like cooking I do.
Now is crucial becuz he has over one hundred days sober, and it is up to him to do his 9in90. I will take him if he wants me too.
so I am watching my program close. He knows that too.
When my A went into rehab the first time, he told me I should check out Alanon. Unfortunately I was in over my head with his disease, I didn't realize it. Then we he relapsed again and again, I tried going to my local f2f meetings. Unfortunately, there are only 3 or 4, and they are the same group of people and I had a really bad experience with them. I kept going back because I thought it was me. A part of it was, and I was getting out of it what I thought I needed. It wasn't until last year (Sept. 1) that I found this site. What a Godsend!
When my continued to relapse I was better prepared. Funny thing is, is when he was sober he encouraged me to work my program. When he was active, he use to threaten to "sue me" if I talked about him here or in the meetings! Say what? Like that would have stopped me.
He has now found sobriety (60 days + ), I attend some AA meetings with him. But I wouldn't give up (nor has he asked me to) my meetings or work here. I need this program more than ever. We are facing some issues and if I didn't find this program, I'd be a wreck. I try not to look back because it scares me. But I do wish that I had found this place when he frist went to rehab. My sanity (what's left of it!) could have used it. But hey, I've got my program now, and that's important.
Keep being good to yourself and your son. You deserve it. Love and blessings. Glad you're with us.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Isn't funny that the A's always think everything is always about them (lol)
I think I read something in the Big Book about selfish, self-center or self-seeking? (I'm sure that's not a direct quote) but anyway . . .
Several A's (especially those who are in AA) who discourage their partners or family members from going to Al-Anon make the comments like "You're going to Al-Anon is going to make you mean and hateful" "Going to join the Sisters of Revenge" "Now, you'll never do anything around here"
But we all know this is not true, coming to Al-Anon is a program that helps us learn healthy compassion and to take care of ourselves. Sometimes for our own safety, we have to keep this a secret from the A's in our lives, sometimes after they start to notice the positive changes in us, it is ok to tell them where we have learned how to live a better way, sometimes this may open their minds to consider another way of life, sometimes it doesn't.
I guess to answer your guestion Rtexas, like everything here, each has to decide their own way. My AH, who was living apart from me at the time, had almost 7 months sobriety and he, his counselor and his sponsor had strongly suggested that I go to Al-Anon. I had, with a huge chip on my shoulder, told them I was never going to any group that was going to make me believe his lies again. (lol)
Anyway, I, eventually, went to my first meeting without telling him until after the fact. Been hooked ever since . . .
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
My A encouraged me to go (after I told him I was going). He never bashed Alanon, he knew he had a problem and actually had the insight to know his problem was hurting me.
I can certainly see why some A's hate it though. Why wouldn't they? They lie to protect their disease, it would make sense to attack anyone that threatened their disease. They can't defend it honestly, so the alternative is to attack the Alanoner..
If my A had been concerned about my airing dirty laundry, I would have said "then keep your laundry clean"! :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
For me telling my A wasn't a problem. I knew I had to do something for me because I was so lost and unhappy that life was unbearable for me. If I didn't do something quick I was going to lose my sanity. I think he knew it too I became a person that I didn't even want to be around. So since the beginning of my recovery he has supported me. He now is in recovery too. I wish him luck on his journey. I know I have learned alot on mine. But I also have learned not to talk to him about my journey for now. He got upset when I tried in the beginning. But I left it in my HP's hands. I know that my HP will take care of me I believe that with all my mind, body, and spirit . So for me this journey so far has been wonderful even the bad stuff I am learning about myself. But I too like you wondered what it would be like if I had never mentioned it. But I can't stay focused on the what if's anymore. Because that is some of what has brought me down inside and didn't help me in my recovery. I have to focus on what I can do here and now to better myself and make me the happiest I can be for me. Because I am worth it and so are you!!!
Yes, for one reason or another, some of us can't let our A know we come here. I don't get on here nearly as much as I'd like, but do manage to hold on to this one outlet where I can talk to friends who understand.
I have told him before that I come here, and he hasn't said anything, but my computor is in the room where he watches tv, and he would be reading everything. I don't feel compfortable with that.
When he comes in, I always switch to another thing, a game or something.
I thank my HP for guiding me here to this site. I don't know what I would have ever done without it. Love you all! TLC
Say what? Like that would have stopped me.
), I attend some AA meetings with him. But I wouldn't give up (nor has he asked me to) my meetings or work here. I need this program more than ever. We are facing some issues and if I didn't find this program, I'd be a wreck. I try not to look back because it scares me. But I do wish that I had found this place when he frist went to rehab. My sanity (what's left of it!) 
could have used it. But hey, I've got my program now, and that's important. 
I knew I had to do something for me because I was so lost and unhappy that life was unbearable for me. If I didn't do something quick I was going to lose my