The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I would like to say hi to everyone, I am new here...
I have an AD who is living at home w/ my mom and brother. I am an adult child and no longer live at home. I am having trouble figuring out my place in this whole situation. My AD and I do not have the greatest relationship (never really have, he is not the most open/loving person). It is hard, he seems to ALWAYS be drunk when I see him (ya know, b-days, holidays, etc.) and he is a MEAN drunk, not physiclly, but verbally and emotionally abusive.
My mom calls me and tells me what he has said and done while he was drinking. He is so cruel to her, telling her everything in his life sucks because of her, that she is a bad person, etc. and he behaves very strange, mumbles and talks to himself in different rooms loud enough so my mom and my bro can hear what he is saying (which I cannot repeat here!).
He is draining her financially as he is no longer working. He just drinks ALL DAY and then passes out at like 5:00 p.m. and sleeps until late, then wakes up and drinks ALL DAY, etc. I am afraid he is taking her down with him.
I don't know what I should be doing. It is soooooo hard to hear about him doing these terrible things to my mom and bro. I have told my mom that she needs to leave him, that I am worried he will hurt her physically one day. I have asked her to go to Al-anon to help with co-dep. She does nothing but continues to tell me "I don't know what to do..."
I guess I am wondering if I should be treating my mom like an A too by letting her make her own decisions, detaching with love, stop worrying about her so much, and just listen if she needs it, etc. I guess that I can see how much pain and damage he has caused over the years and I just wish I could help her and my bro because I love them so much...
Patches, I so feel for you. Your description of your father equates to my father also. My mother stayed with him until she died and I hold a lot of bitterness and resentment about that.
She used to do to me what your mother does to you, call me and tell me the latest things he said and did. It used to upset me greatly because she wouldn't allow me, my brother or my sister to help her. In retrospect, I think maybe she just needed to vent and was using me as her sounding board. I never begrudged her that as I know how isolated he kept her, but it did hurt me immensely to know what she continued to go through even as we all moved out of the house.
Unless your mother is ready to start helping herself, I don't expect there's much you can do for her. It's up to you, how comfortable you are with hearing it as to whether you continue letting her vent to you.
I haven't been in recovery very long myself, so I really can't offer you much in the way of comfort or wisdom, I only wanted to let you know that others are or have been in your position and know how dejected you feel about this.
Please continue to come here and post or just read the boards. There are incredibly loving, wonderful people here in all stages of recovery who can help you.
Welcome to MIP, glad you are starting your journey of recovery.
I can relate to your story about your Mom's phone calls, but remember we can only help those who are willing to get help. You can consider the option of limiting your phone calls and the discussions about those issues with your Mom. You can offer the support of Al-Anon, but if she is not interested in attending meetings, reading the material, etc. then you might have to just give her and your Dad to your Higher Power.
If talking with her affects your serenity, you might have to ask her not to discuss those issues with you. That would be setting a boundary. She may not understand at first, but that's ok. Most of the time, when we start taking care of ourself, our families don't understand and get their feelings hurt. But recovery is learning about taking care of ourselves. That is not being rude, selfish, inconsiderate or mean - it is just what is best for you.
Keep coming back,
Don't stop before the miracle happens in You - You deserve it,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
It must be really hard knowing what you Mom is going thru.. Be patient try to remember she is co dependent on him.. I know it is hard to imagine but we are as addicted to them as they are to alcohol. That sounds weird but, I am co dependent too and I know that she just feels confused and probably cant imagine another day with him and cant imagine a day without him..
Maybe you could offer to go to a alanon meeting with her. I think it would be good for both you and your Mom..
Sounds very draining. My father was a lot like that when him and my mother were married. My mother went to alanon only for a short time. She doesn't "get" the program, as she feels she no longer needs alanon because she is not married to an alcoholic any more. Her 2nd marriage was to another a as well.
Your mom has her own hp(whom I choose to call God). What I've learned is I need to take care of me first. And it really isn't a selfish thing. Those that I worry about- I let go and place them in God's/hp's hands.
I basically am in the same situation. I have an adult brother and mum who still live with my AD. Dramas occur every other day and my mum uses me as a crutch. However, I can also use her as a crutch (use) not being the right word. Yes, it is a selfish programme and if you help yourself you can help her, however, we all need to speak to someone, she is not asking you to solve the problem but to listen. I constantly tried to solve all the problems but it is not my business, but I can listen. I have a fantastic relationship with my AD, as he is very good to us and a very warm and funny personality sober. If I cut my mum off every time it affected me then I would feel bad about that, as I am very close to her. Sorry for ranting on, listen, but at times if you can, detach with love. Ann Marie.
