The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am just joining this group but am not new to program. I feel like I am new to the
steps because I can't seem to not get angry. I had one success so far of keeping my anger
to myself by attending an on-line meeting, reading my literature, writing, and reading the posts.
Today, however, my AH asked what I thought if he went out with the buddies for
a few beers. Anger flooded my head. The memories, the repeated annoyances of
evenings spent being angry came over me and I was angry. I told him go ahead thinking that
I would want the ability to go be with alanon friends or friends in general and would want my husband to not try to make me feel bad for going out. These are
his friends and that is my logic so that is why I said OK. Although the truth is I don't want and alcohol around this evening. I don't want to have to deal with him. I am not confident that the program will work for me. Anyway, I would like to be able to "NOT FOCUS ON HIM",
get a life which makes me happy, and keep going. That is why I am here in alanon
so I can relearn how to detach, feel better and be of service here.
I know only too well the anger surges...the wanting to do whats right but somehow the anger takes over...
I'm in the early stages of recovery myself, and have found great confort anu understanding and guidance from these postings.
I try now to find other ways to vent my negative emotions. I exercise, and pound out the negative energy.
I try to focus on me rather that him. I used to spend all my energy fosusing on him....and what I could do etc.
But now I meet up with my family and friends and do all the things I let slip. I find that i don't give him the opportunity to get to me so much, when I'm focussing on myself.
Now I look at him and I find a lot of his behaviours pathetic. Of course I still care, but he's not the centre of my world any more. My own sanity is.....
Renah, have you ever gone to meetings and seen some of the long term members knitting? Or maybe doing needle point? That's an old wive's method of focusing negative energy. The idea is that "When I focus my energy on doing something like stitching a straight line, I am focusing my negative energy on something positive. I am focusing my energy on something I can show others." Alot of the women will make these huge blankets and give them to the hospitals, for the women that don't have alot of money for their new born babies.
Before you say "Oh, I can't do that..." Well, Renah, how bad do you want to have control over your feelings? Are you really ready to stop being a slave to the negativism in your life? Are you willing to take suggestions from people who have been there, done that, and willing to help? Or do you want a hostage audience to watch you whine from a pity pot?
Another suggestion is, annmarie suggested, daily cardio exercise, doing something you enjoy. If you enjoy it you will stick with it. And it will also make your body physically stronger, which will help bolster self esteem
Lastly, something that all persons in al anon are encouraged to do, is journaling at least 1x per day, or 5x per week. This will open your spiritual path way to God as you understand God and will also build your comfort and confidence when it comes time to the 4th step, the 5th step, the 8th step, and the 9th step. Practice yields progress and greater insight into who we are as God sees us--which means as God's children, not as human beings.
You bring up a great point that we all deal with every day... it is so much easier to say the right thing than feel the right way.
I guess it just takes practice for us to get there. At first when the A'ism is teaching us to act crazy we are not really, just reacting. Then we acturally become sick. It takes a different amount of time for each of us to reach the point where we 'crack' and seek help.
Someone said to me... it took me 15 years to get this screwed up, how can I expect to be "fixed" in a day,month,year. That's why I think we have the slogan "Progress not perfection".
You are doing the best you can, and you are right where you are supposed to be in your recovery. Keep working it and keep coming back!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Welcome to MIP, and hope you enjoy it here... there are lots of great people on this board...
Your post actually made MY blood boil a bit.... I don't actually understand, how a grown adult, who likely knows he has a sickness, can transfer that reponsibilities onto others...
My suggestion, next time he "asks if it is okay if he goes out for a few beers", is that you give it right back to him... preferably without attitude or anger, and simply respond "that is your choice to make, not mine". I think, in many cases, active A's are trying to somewhat 'shift the blame/responsibility' towards their loved ones, as in - in a dysfunctional, addictive mindset - he sees that by asking for your permission, and you granting it, that he is now somehow "justified" in drinking.
I'd encourage you, wherever possible, to not let him off the hook like that. It's not your place to make him stop drinking, nor is it your place to validate his drinking. His choices - to drink, to get sober, or whatever else - are his to own.
Just my two cents
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
