The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
If you would indulge me I need to tell my story to someone. It is not particularly bad, and is a bed of roses compared with the stories some people post on these forums, but I am miserable a good deal of the time. I am not looking for answers because I know none exist, just the knowledge that someone, somewhere has read this, and I have honoured the anonymity of my partner at the same time.
I am 46, divorced, and have two children from my first marriage who live with me. The eldest is 17 and about to leave for university and the youngest 13. I met my partner a little over three years ago and we moved in together a year ago. She is my age and has been married twice before, having had a child from each marriage, the eldest is 21 and although she does not live at home she by no means is self sufficient. The youngest is also 13.
Although she did not exhibit signs of a drink problem when we first met I could see that it was an issue in her life especially as her second husband had been an alcoholic who had died shortly before we met. As time passed I became convinced that she had a problem with drinking. She needed very little to show signs of being drunk and usually these signs manifested themselves in increasing aggression, antagonism and criticism. These symptoms only showed at home and she rarely drank. The only people who knew her when she was like this were her children and me. When I first knew her the object of her anger was usually her eldest child. When she left home this switched to me.
After she moved in things went rapidly down hill. Don’t get me wrong…there were good times, but all too frequently I was treading on eggshells and dreading the times when the wine bottle would appear. One night she vandalised my computer (I work from home and use my computer in my business). In the morning she agreed to go to AA. She went once.
Things got worse and worse eventually culminating one night when I awoke to find her standing over me with a knife. To cut a long story short I called the police and she was arrested. I had my partner arrested! Her behaviour when the police arrived was appalling and led directly to them arresting her on the spot.
Her regret was such that I did everything I could to get the charges dropped although this was not straightforward as it was not I but the police that had brought the charges. She went back to AA and has been going at least three times a week ever since….almost four months. She has not taken a drink in that time. The charges were dropped.
Social services became involved as the incident involved children in a domestic abuse scenario. At the initial interview she refused to acknowledge her actions as being a cause for concern and became violently argumentative. It was only my intervention once again that, in my view, stopped the children being removed from the home.
Following on from that my life took a further series of mind numbing turns. My 13 year old daughter was found to be giving her boyfriend oral sex at her mother’s house and my 13 year old step son broke into a neighbour’s house. Both TOTALLY out of character. A family disease indeed!
What I find so difficult to deal with however is that since going to AA, and acknowledging her alcoholism, our relationship still lurches from argument to crisis. My partner went to Al-Anon for many years and worked the program. She knows the jargon, she can blind you with science, she can tell me exactly what my problem is. She works her program at AA from this illusionary moral high ground.
However, nothing is her fault. She is a victim of cruel circumstance. Everyone is out to get her. No one, least of all me, does anything to help. We as a family live, eat, breathe alcoholism. It is almost like she revels in it. There is little else to consider. I am constantly told of the latitude I need to give her because she is an alcoholic.
She is still aggressive, she is still beligerant, she will still cause an argument in an empty room. I don’t need to take part in arguments any more, she puts all the words in my mouth for me. She has lost her sense of humour. She is rarely now the woman I met and fell in love with. Having said that, one good day is enough to erase the memories of all the bad days. From that statement you can probably guess that today has not been a good day.
I am so sorry to hear about your daughter and your stepson. To me that is the saddest part of a dysfunctional home, that the children are often lost in the shuffle and have to endure horrendous abuse and dysfunction that some never recover from.
That is horrible that the women you let move into your home was holding a knife over your head. SHEESH!
How do you sleep at night? ((((((((((mike)))))))))))
Think carefully about your part in making sure she does not suffer the consequnces of her choices, who are the ultimate victims of her untreated mental problems. People with untreated mental illness often turn to alcohol to try and self-medicate. Lots of people drink and are not violent, including my husband. This sounds more like a dangerous mental illness that can have a tragic end if she does not get help, her drinking is probably not THE issue here, just a consequence maybe.
Remember, Children's Services are around for a good reason, to protect children from violent unsafe homes. Do you really think your daughter (and her son) are safe with a violent drunk in the home? Maybe these children DO need the services of CS to protect them...no one else seems to be doing it.
I hope you don't take my ESH as a judgement. I know it is hard and you are probably doing your best at the moment. I urge YOU to get professional help to learn to deal with the horrible stresses you are dealing with. A professional can help you to see what you need to do to protect your CHILDREN, that should be your FIRST concern, not placating the alcoholic.
I can thoroughly understand many of the scenarios you are going experiencing as I have had similiar experiences with my ex-A and other alcoholic members. I think you have been very courageous. I know that I stuck my head completely in the sand on more than one occasion and certainly never dealt with issues as well as you have. Calling the police was the right thing to do. You have to look after yourself and as a responsible adult you are responsible for the minor children in your care. You have witnessed how it has turned from the eldest child to you, it could well turn on another after she is finished with you. As an adult child of an alcoholic, I can assure you this is devastating. The problem I would see in the situation is the panic because you never know what to expect. This is where I have found this board so helpful. I do not feel alone or as isolated. I really hope things improve for you.
you say you think your story isn,t bad,well i think it is.to find someone with a knife in your face is horrendous,and must have been terrifying,i am kinda new here too,so dont feel i have the knowledge to guide you through this awful time,all i can say is i too was full of despair when i came here.
My advise to you is keep coming back,there are people here who really know how to help,i have learned so much.
Well, Mike, lots about your wife, not much about you. Your wife is what we call 'stark raving sober' - none of the alcohol, all of the 'ism'.
I remember when I was still quite new to alanon, I was in the chat room, in despair. No matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did, my husband still blamed everything on me. Someone there said "Of course he blames you - that's what they DO!" Blaming others is as much a symptom of the disease as the drinking.
She didn't get where she is overnight, and she won't get better fast either. Meanwhile, you can struggle with your resentments, you can try to ride that roller coaster, or you can start your own process of recovery. If she relapses, you will need alanon's support. If she continues on her recovery, and starts to really get healthy, your old ways of dealing with her will continue to make trouble between you. No matter what SHE does, there is serenity and even joy possible for YOU, if you give her recovery over to her and her higher power, and start working on your own.
Please find a face to face meeting near you - there is a meeting schedule link at the top of this page. Give it a chance - go to six meetings. If you have choices in your area, try a few different meetings - they all do have a different 'feel' and you will find some more comfortable than others. Read our literature; you can buy it online at ebay or amazon, you can get it through our store, here, you can borrow it from the library, you can buy or borrow it from your face to face. Keep coming here - there is a chat room, or these boards for posting.
Not everything you find here will be helpful to you - that's fine. We don't insist that you accept every facet of the program. One of our sayings is "take what you like, leave the rest". You say "I am not looking for answers because I know none exist" - that is not true. There is hope for all of you, lots of it. Welcome.
I had a pretty similiar experience with my ex wife. She too was a "clever" alcoholic. I was the only one who really knew the extent of her problems, as she kept it hidden so well. I too was the brunt of most of her anger. I was the one who knew about the drinking and tried to control it..this made me the enemy of her disease, and when she was under its control, I was fair game. She never stood over me with a knife, but did threaten to "kick my ass" one day for touching her.
Just wanted to let you know, that I understand and many, many more here do as well. Please keep coming back and I hope you can find an al-anon meeting you can attend near where you live as well.
Please take care of yourself and the kids. I found myself protecting my ex wife from her actions constantly too...and making excuses for her. I now know, that was the wrong thing to do. People need to suffer the consequences of their actions. Its the ONLY way some people learn.
Mike, what catches my attn is that you say that "No solution exists." Al Anon and AA are all about living in solutions. And what is concerning me is that somehow you feel as if the battle is lost before it's even begun. Your partner seems to feel as if she is owed something from the world, which is common for alcholics, but what is concerning, and others have mentioned is the violence. Mike, you are the adult! You need to take the responsibility! If that means that you need to expel her from your house, move into an apt, whatever, man, you need to do it!
Think about it man: how would you have responded if your partner had stood over one of the children with a knife? If she was threatening to kill them? This is the time to take a good look at you man, and use social services! Ask them to help you get your life back under control for your safety and for the children's.
Thank you everyone for responding. I feel that I need some time to become quite so serene as many of you. At the moment I am looking for someone to blame for the way my quiet life has been turned upside down. I appreciate that it takes time to get to that state. In the meantime it is one day at a time.
I must be careful responding to others' posts for now as I am liable to muddy the waters with my own baggage. Everyone deserves to be heard, as have I, without someone else highjacking the thread to their own ends. I may have been guilty of this in a couple of threads I was reading this morning, and for that I apologise. This forum has provided the chink in the dam which has allowed many months of frustrations and angst to spill out. I guess the next step will be to attend meetings....but I am not quite ready for that yet.
I was convinced I would be able to deal with these issues on my own, but when I see the chldren being exposed to things they should not be expected to confront then I must take up my role as grown up. At that point I realise I need the support of others who have been there.
Coming to the realisation that there is no cure for this does not help me at this point...maybe it will. At the moment I feel the only way to make it stop is for a parting of the ways, but at the moment my sense of duty, responsibility and memory of the woman I first met makes me want to tough it out for now.
Thank you all for listening.
PS I really must put the record straight here.....her version of events was that she wanted no harm to come to anyone other than perhaps herself. Whatever, there has been no repeat of anything remotely approaching that night since. I am not burying my head in the sand....I am aware and attuned to the mood swings. If things turn to the worse then have no fear...I will act, and act quickly.
What concerns me the most here Mike is your 13 year old daughter. I believe if I were you, I would put my focus on her and her obvious promiscuity before it's too late. Being sexually active at 13, while perhaps in this day and time is not that rare, is nonetheless unacceptable. It is not a matter that deserves only a passing comment. Focusing also on yourself and what makes you happy, while putting the emphasis on this potentially wayward daughter ought to just about fill up your spare time, leaving little time to become unpleasantly involved with your partner.
Partner is as she is. Since there is likely no changing her, you must change YOU!! Have you been to an AlAnon meeting? If you said so, I missed that. If not, please try to go and begin to work to understand your own situation. Involvement in AlAnon can lead to serenity and peace for you whether partner is drinking or not. (So they tell me. I haven't got there yet.)
Best of good wishes to you Mike. Do come back to visit here often. There are so many caring, non-judgmental, understanding people here in whom you can confide anonymously. And, believe me, that helps.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I agree. My prime concern must be my daughter, who is currently spending part of the summer with her mother. It is difficult....when you get criticised by an alcoholic quite as much as we do.... not to begin to believe much of it.
I know that I am a good person. I know that my children are good. I realise that I have a responsibility to them, to impart my moral values on them. Whether they choose to adopt them is their choice ultimately however under my roof...etc. I must learn to distance myself from the responsibilities of my alcoholic partner.
Things are beginning to move in my psyche following on from the comments I have read. It may be continental drift just now but I already sense motion. Thank you all. The trees are beginning to resolve themselves into a wood!
Sometimes I think it is harder for men to reach out and ask for help in this situation. I hear it at meetings all the time - "I thought I should have been able to take care of it on my own". Men are raised to believe that they should either be able to take care of things, or just suck it up. Think though - if it was cancer, would you feel ashamed because you couldn't just take the ol' penknife and a tourniquet, and take care of the problem yourself? It takes a real man to swallow his pride, and realize that the future of his children is worth more than a little bruising of his feelings. The men I know from my meetings are so valuable to me - they approach the program slightly differently than women do, and that perspective helps.
Welcome to MIP and thanks for sharing your story.You did the right thing to reach out and MIP is a good place to start.
I have never been able to connect at face to face meetings,I am just not a people person.But I have found tremendous help here,along with reading related books,and going to the online meetings.Also I have started working the steps.I like the annonymity here.Take it at your own pace,just do what you are up to.It slowly starts to sink in and light bulbs go on.There are really good people here with lots of experience,strength,and hope to share.I'm not much for the chat room but many people have also found help there.Sometimes when you are feeling alone and at the end of your rope you can go there and talk to people who understand.
