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Don't know if any of you have THIS problem but I have become aware of an annoying ( to my AH) habit I have.I am always telling him what to do! He has told me I am "a bossy female" and I just never saw myself that way.Now it's like my eyes are open and every time I do it,I see it now.I can't wait till I can see it BEFORE I do it!
For example:
1. He's cooking.I tell him he has the burner too high,he will burn the food.
2. We go to a car wash and it doesn't work.He backs out and stops at the entrance of the car wash and says he is going in to tell them it isn't working.I say "why don't you pull up to the door instead of walking all the way over there"
3. We are getting ready to go shopping.I'm going to go wait for him in the car.I tell him "turn off the A/C before you leave"
On and on it goes.....did you lock the door?,slow down,why don't you pass this guy?,do you have your wallet? Have your cell phone,is it on?don't park there,turn the radio down,oh,don't take the expressway,I hate the expressway,look at this desk, it's a mess!,your face is dirty,you need to change shirts,brush your hair,don't make a mess,mute the commercials,I hate commercials..........when did I turn into THIS??
Gee,when I was a sweet,cute girl of 17 and dating him I didn't do any of that.WHAT HAPPENED???
Focusing on oneself can be very enlightening............d
That's good! I had it bad, too. I hope I don't still. I was brought up short when I told my new boyfriend how to make tea. He was from India LOL. Thanks for the reminder. ---Jill
Your not alone, I have it too... I think it is part of my controlling him or trying to anyway.. It is a nice reminder !! At least i know that I am not alone..
Hi Dru, yes I did it too (sigh) and still can if I don't watch myself!!
Put very simply I was doing my A's thinking for him. It is absolutely exhausting. With hindsight I can see how this 'habit' developed. Partly it was a reflection of my total lack of confidence in my A's ability to handle anything and also you may be surprised to know my A actually 'manipulated' me into this behaviour while he was still drinking! Of course, I was too sick to see it at the time, picked up the ball and ran with it in true pre-AlAnon style! The purpose it served? It enabled him to avoid responsibility and left me feeling that I was to blame when something went wrong. I was the one who didn't think it through properly thereby, my fault. Even saved him the trouble of blaming me lol. It was an extremely false sense of security based on unhealthy control.
Initially I applied the 'THINK' slogan. Is it thoughtful, honest, intelligent, necessary or kind? Invariably, it wasn't necessary. Also 'How important is it?' Is it really important that I tell him to put the used teabag in the dustbin? Worse, have a fit of the histrionics because it wasn't done? (Touch of control and insanity creeping in there methinks lol) Later when I came to work the steps, I implemented Step One. I am as powerless over his thinking as I am his behaviours. Later, I perceived my 'habit' as a defect and a coping strategy that no longer served my best interests so I asked my Hp to remove it. I had to learn to 'Mind My Own Business'.
Finally, I read somewhere that I needed to give my A the opportunity and the dignity to make his own mistakes. Of course, that also meant I had to detach and let him experience the consequences of his own behaviour, the good, the bad and the ugly. He may act like a 3year old but he wasn't one and I was his partner, not his Mother. Setting these changes in motion was not easy (progress not perfection) and maintaining them even harder but here the 3 A's did the trick. As I became more self-aware I could pull myself up, accept that I had reverted to old behaviour and then I could determine to put the new behaviours back into action. "What we learn to do, we learn by doing. Excellence therefore is not an act but a habit."
Wow, even I didn't realise how many tools I used to deal with this. What a well-equipped toolbox Al-Anon provided me with!
I wish you well on your continued journey of recovery and discovery x Maria x
I laughed through your entire post, because...well...I could have written it!!!!! LOL!!!!!
Yup, we all do it, us "Moms" LOL.
I don't think it has as much to do with our alcholic husbands as it does with being a "Mom". We become so accostomed at looking out for others and get so into that "teaching and training" groove that it is TOUGH to snap out of it.
Some of it is being with an alcoholic husband though as their brains get so scrambled that we often HAVE to take this role as their function dimineshes. Then, when they are sober they think we are nuts when we act "normal" and supervise their every move.
I was a little overprotective with my poor daughter, LOL, and I have to keep working on backing off. I tell her to please be patient with me, it is not that I think she is incompetant, it is more that I am just stuck in "Mom mode" and my brain has not yet registered the fact fully that she is an adult. She is a lot more patient with me than my husband is.
My husband has been more blatant with how it bothers him, but in some ways has just given up and lets me handle things, LOL. A few months ago we were coordinating some work being done on our house. He kept getting things wrong (alcohol soaked brains don't work well with details) so I kept correcting him. Finally he told the contractor "My wife knows a lot more about this stuff so you should really talk to her", LOL. We both cracked up. The guy had a smirk on his face the whole time as I really don't know that much...but am just sober, LOL.
Drucilla, don't let this bother you that much. Just work on it. I have learned myself to accept my faults and when I realize I am micromanageing my husband or daughter, either because I see it (RARE, LOL) or they bring it to my attention I just apoligize say something like "Uh oh, I am stuck in MOM gear again, better shift gears" and just laugh it off and really try not to do it.
6 People telling my story!!! LOL Each one, word for word, sharing my same exact character flaw that I need to turn over to my HP.....I know it's there....just haven't given it over yet! Thanks to all for sharing.
I have decided to "step out of the Mom Role". Husband is turning in the signed lease for his own place tomorrow. I AM glad that I stepped into the role for a second and made sure he knew they were handing him a 2 year lease. He did ask if it could be reduced to 1 year...just in case after a year we may decide we've both grown enough to give our relationship another try.
Trying to keep an open mind through all of this. Do find myself laughing silently about what people must be thinking.....We are so in agreement to this divorce and are helping each other out so much. Wonder how many other wives have helped hubby pick out new place to live? And there has been almost no fighting since we made the decision 2 weeks ago. We are getting along better than we have in months. We truly are best friends.
I am new here, and new to this entire ethos of "letting go" so please bear with me.
I understand that you need to let them live their life, to make their own mistakes, to deal with their issues themselves. The problem I have is when this impinges on the lives of the rest of the family. It also doesn't help that I am a man and my partner a woman.
I lived on my own with my children 7 years prior to meeting my present partner. Therefore I am used to organising everything, being all things to all men. It was an easy role to slip back into.
The issue I have trouble dealing with is that I am entirely capable of dealing with most of the problems life will throw at me. When I see something not being dealt with then I will deal with it.
It is a difficult walk to walk.....one step at a time.
Funny you should mention that. Hubby and I just has an argument about that. See I don't tell him what he should do. I just go behind him and do it. I use to do it because when he was drinking he didn't know what he was doing. Now that he is sober, I realize he's just him. He's nortorious for leaving all the lights on. I lived with my sister who left all the lights on, curling irons, iron, etc. I would go behind her and just turn everything off. I've always been that way. It's just me.
However with hubby sober, I've been afraid because he has issues with his past, I don't tell him what he's doing wrong. Now he says that makes him feel inadequate. So I'm trying to change me. Not so easy, since I'm so stubborn. (Who me? Not me? I'm perfect - remember that! )
Love and blessings to you.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
LOL Each one, word for word, sharing my same exact character flaw that I need to turn over to my HP.....I know it's there....just haven't given it over yet! Thanks to all for sharing. 
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