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I have just had the most shameful meltdown you can imagine. I spent the day caring for the one year old grandbaby. I have no time to call my own, so I was tired. When my son came by for his "supervised" visit, he asked me for help with some paperwork and some computer work. That started my downslide. Then the "ex" came by to pick up the baby. Everyone was cordial as we always are, but the tension is always thick enough to slice. Son walked "ex" to the car and helped put baby in the seat. He came back in totally undone, calling her names, and saying she took a call while they were sharing baby. Neighbors, she said, wanting to know if she was bringing baby by to see them....he immediately went into a fury that these neighbors are allowed to see the baby while slugging down the martinis, "ex" drinks with them, they have fun, he is not allowed to see his son if he has ONE beer, etc. etc. etc. There is not one thing he can do about this. The settlement gave her sole custody, she got the $350K house, everything. He is bitter and says he was screwed royally. Well, he let it happen. He did not fight for one thing, he did not have any legal counsel, so here he is. And here I am. We did his paperwork with me reminding him of my boundaries that he not bitch about anything while in my home. He is depressed, of course, and near tears. He then left, still upset and me upset with him. THEN, I have supper to fix, my sick parents in another state to check up on, my hair to wash, the house to straighten up. My husband proceeds to go have his little cocktail hour (1 beer and some peanuts) and I lost it. I screamed and raged and banged around the house for an hour. My husband is furious with me. But you know, I just don't care. We have shared 45 years of marriage and he is a good husband. But I am sick and tired of the chaos my son and his ex cause us daily. I am too old and too tired to keep on keeping on. I come on this board and read other people's problems and think how lucky I am that things are manageable for us. But then I reach the end of my rope and break. I am sitting here now crying and wishing I were alone in my own place with no responsiblities, no one to answer to. I am sure my son went on to his neat little home, his "ex" went to her beautiful home with the baby, and they are doing OK tonight. Me? I am not doing OK. Sometimes I don't think I can ever get it through my head that I don't have to put up with this stuff from anyone. Then why do I? How does a woman nearing 64 next month who had a great 30+ year professional career, who has three college degrees, who has no money worries, who has a good and faithful husband (no drinking problems here), who still has her parents on this earth....how does such a woman find her way through this chaos caused by adult children. If anyone has anything to say to me, please do....good or bad. I am just ashamed that I raged and screamed and slammed doors and took out my feelings on my husband who is innocent and didn't deserve the wrath I unleashed. Thanks for listening. I have no one else to talk to...no friends. We moved here a year ago to help with this baby and the "gift" we got for it was a divorce and chaos.
Hi and welcome. You didn't say if you're attending alanon meetings. If you can, you will learn better ways of coping with these stresses. You can get support for yourself. You won't be alone again. You can learn about boundaries. You can learn to be happy again, regardless of your loved one's behavior. You can get your life back. Hope to see you around. ---Jill
Oh boy,do I relate!! I have been exactly where you are with the meltdown.I've been coming to alanon about 8 months and I can now see why I get to that point.It's because of an extended time taking care of others and not taking care of me.I also have an aging parent,my mom is 91.She lives an hour away and it's stressfull,so I know your parents being in another state must be even worse.I have stress in my marriage,my best friend just had her leg amputated and on top of that I had a very stressfull job.
A person just cannot go on giving and giving and not receiving anything back.I have an alcoholic husband (sober but still has the disease),and my family of origin is all alcoholics,except my mom and myself.They take and take and no one gives back.After my oldest (alcoholic) sister died,it seemed all hell broke loose in my family.My mother's health immediately went downhill.I was doing everything at home,house work,cooking,shopping,handling the money,even mowing the lawn.I was working my stressfull job and on my days off going to take my mother to doctor's or to get groceries or whatever she needs.I have 2 sisters but they aren't much help.They are very self centered A's and their agenda comes first.
At about that same time I started having these rages.I would scream and yell,throw things,turn over big plants and furniture, crying that I just couldn't take it anymore.I never asked for help,I expected everyone to just know that I needed it.In my experience with A's,if you don't ask you don't get.And even sometimes if you do ask you don't get.
So now I am starting to have some boundaries.I quit that job and am looking for another one,less stressfull.I am taking time for myself and trying to have some actual fun.Yesterday I spent a whole day by myself shopping.Bought myself lunch and went where I wanted and did what I wanted.It was fabulous!When I am home I let the answering machine get the phone and if it sounds like some alcoholic drama I just let them think I am not home and don't pick up.I get my meetings,my reading,and come here which is a lifeline.I haven't had a rage for quite awhile.
Don't feel badly about your meltdown.You just need some of that caring you are giving everyone else to come back to you.Start doing what you need for yourself.It's not selfish,it will make you a happier you and that can only benefit the rest of the family.Don't take it on if it's not yours.Give it back to them,you are not their higher power.
As I am telling you this I am also telling myself because I need to hear this too.
I'm sorry you are hurting and angry right now. I don't have any experience with children adult or otherwise. I do understand how A's and the dysfunctional people around them can cause us pain and anger though. I wish for you to find some peace in this chaos, you'll be in my prayers and thoughts.
I was eager to read any responses to my post last night. This morning I feel calm but sad and was so glad to read this board. drucilla, you told me exactly what I needed to hear. I know that I struck out at my husband because I want him to step in and take over and take care of me. He thinks he does and I know he tries; this is just such a big job and such a big heartbreak no one can really fix it except my son and maybe his ex. Thank you so much for reminding me that I have to take care of me. I like the idea of taking a day just for me and in spite of the difficulty of doing so, I will put it in the hopper and see how it will work out. This morning I will apologize to my husband and tell him what I need. Thank you to everyone. As for attending ftof meetings: I am not presently doing that..my choice. But coming here helps me. At another period in my life my husband and I did attend ftof meetings. I know I could do that again and might. Right now I think I need spiritual counseling and am seeking that.
A big hug to you! What a stressful situation. It sounds like you need time for yourself. Just like what was previously said, doing for others and not taking care of ourselves leaves us feeling depleted and resentful.
