The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
im currently sitting on my bed...its 11:40 at night and i have been crying for the past half hour.
still no word from the ex... and im still worried... i cant seem to detach.... i cant seem to lt go and let HP.... what im feeeling is fear... fear for him..wondering where he is and if he's o.k and afraid for me.... if he isn't. i can't deal with that thought at all...
i wouldn't be able to cope... i know myself i go into meltdown and make myself physically sick...
im trying not to let our last conversations manipulate my thinking... im fully aware an "addict" can make u feel guilty for not doing enough... for "abandoning" them when they need you the most.
i keep getting flashbacks of when we met first and started goi out..which is over 2 and half yrs ago.
please pray for me... that i can get throu this nite... please
Boy do i know that feeling.. It really stinks.. I know for me I was afraid for him, afraid for me and angry at him and myself... As i look back I was afraid for him, drinking and driving injuring himself or someone else, afraid for me thinking either he would kill himself, find someone else at the bar who partied like he did (I am the party pooper ) .. I was angry at him for doing this to me, and angry at me for allowing him to do this to me.. Why couldnt I let go ??? I have ask myself that a million times.. I still struggle with that every day !!!
It is hard Rebecca I know just what you are going thru .. hold on it will be okay tomorrow you will feel better.. :)
When we really realize we have no control over the A, and we surrender, then we can go to sleep.
We put our precious loved one in hps hands and let go.
Gads it is so hard to know when others feel so hurt and awful. I remember that horrible anxiety in my gut.
Hon I believe my A got out of jail today. Maybe when I saw him last Sunday will be the last time I will. I have NO idea where he is and NO way to get ahold of him.
Have not even thought about it. I cannot do anything about it, so I trust hp, no matter what, things will be ok.
If he got ran over, od'd whatever, I doubt he has anyones number in his wallet.
See I can come up with an infinite scenerios. But i choose to not do so. I just let a breath out, and know he is watched by hp. hp knows where he is.
hp knows where your A is. It feels so good to trust that.
I take deep breaths raising my abdomen when I breath in, and pushing it down when breath goes out. It helps relieve any tension inside.
Do you have a book you can get lost in? I love talking books, books on tape. they put me to sleep.
I hope you feel better. We sure relate and understand and care.
Take it one minute at a time. Remember we are here for you. If you get lonely, come into the chat room. Someone is always there for you. An addict is going to do what an addict is going to do, and there's nothing you can do about it. Just pray to HP to guide you. No matters what happens you can get through this. I truly believe that.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I was famous for saying "I am owed a nervous breakdown. I have waited for it. I have put it off. And when I have it, it will be magnanimous."
Yeah....not so much. When I finally had that well over due nervous break down, it was bad. I sat in a tub, head under a faucet, sobbing and shaking un controllably. But I gotta tell ya, I finally surrendered to the reality that I had run out of solutions again. So for me, I went to the psychiatric facility at the local hospital. And sure enough, they armed me with enough solutions for me to feel as if I could handle my life again. As if I was competent. And they gave me permission to fake it till I made it.
Now, am I recommending that you go check yourself into the hospital? Honestly, only you can tell whether you need professional help. But truthfully, I haven't met someone in Al Anon that hasn't gone to seek outside help and hasn't said that it helped them in some way. For some, with children in disease, it gave them the sense of peace that they did the best they could. For me, it's given me the peace that there was absolutely nothing I could have done that would have slowed, stopped or otherwise put off my father's drinking and drugging, and the insane/ criminal behaviors it produced. And that means alot, alot alot.
thank you for your post. you reminded me why i left my a. the last time he slipped when he was living here (about three weeks ago) i seriously thought he killed himself. he told me before if he ever relapsed he would kill himself. so i had reason to believe this. i informed the police and worried myself sick. i felt helpless. when he finally showed up at three in the afternoon completly hammered and high on crack that was my slap in the face that woke me up. i realized i couldnt do it anymore. he didnt want to get better and someone that could do that to me and make me worry so much without even calling is not someone that truely loves me the way i deserve. now, i dont have to worry if he'll be home or not, i know he wont be. this is my home now and its all mine. i miss him terribly at times but just have to keep the focus on why i left in the first place.......so that i would never have to feel what you are feeling right now. i know that feeling, it rips you apart, the crying, the anger, the resentments. its draining just writing it. you were doing very well before and you can get back to that place. i too have flashbacks of our relationship when it was all good. but i have to remind myself he is not this person anymore. he changed and i changed. i can not move backwards or turn back time. now i can move forward enmeshed in his horrible disease or i can move on and get enmeshed in my own life. i hope this helps you some. my prayers are with you.
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
