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Hi everyone! I am trying to read through things posted but I wanted to ask you a few things. My husband of 6 years is an Alcoholic. He has his own business and the drinking started about 1 yr into the business. We had a 1 year old (now 5) at the time and decided I would stay home with him. I also have a 15 yr old from previous marriage as does my husband. The drinking happens about 2-3 times a week. It usually consist of him stopping at the ABC store and buying mini bottles of vodka. He drinks them in the parking lot and then drives the 2 miles to our house. the alcohol doesn't fully kick in until he's home and he's slurring words and passing out on the couch. He has showed up at several school functions after a "stop". All i hear from him is how much he wants to stop. He says he fights it everyday! He won't go to AA meetings because "they are depressing". He claims to want to go into rehab so he can break free once and for all but we have no insurance and he has been our sole source of income. He never drinks on weekends, only during the week. My question is - during the reading that I have done, I feel like I am expected to be understanding and supportive to him through this stage. I feel like I have been doing that for so long and nothing has changed. I'm ANGRY! My 15 yr-old knows now, and I feel like I am constantly trying to hide it from him, I am always worried about my husband and if tonight is fgoing to be a "bad" night, I had a miscarriage 3 years ago that I believe happened because of the stress I feel. When he comes home drunk - I am pissed off. He says that I just don't understand addiction and I know he's right but I am still angry! Is it ok for me to be angry?? I rarely say anything to him about it - i just choose to be quiet. Now he comes in and goes right to the bedroom so that the boys and I continue with our evening in the living room. I don't bring it back up later but he says the look of disappointment I give him is unfair. How can that be?? I am disappointed. I feel like my life is constantly on the edge and it's very draining! I love him and want him to get the help he needs but I don't feel like he trying as hard a s he could be. Isn't it ok to be angry about that? Please give me some help and guidance. Reaching out is new for me and I so hope someone can help me better understand.
welcome {{{hugs}}} i am fairly new here also, but not new to recovery. from what i understand, if your husband doesn't even want to begin his own recovery, you can only focus on yourself. i've studied the Big Book and it did seem like it asks too much of SO's, that we be so understanding. but then it also tells us to take care of ourselves first and foremost, not to let the A run our lives, even if it means leaving them. you can't be supportive to him if you're burned out, right? anyway, i don't know much yet, but i hope that little bit helps. i'm sure there will be a lot more, better answers for you by tomorrow!
Sure anger is a normal feeling.... the question is what do you do with your anger? I brought mine here and talked it out with people who understood.
How do we support them? Well, the more you keep coming back, the more you'll understand about this disease and how we can show support. I have one question: when he says he wants to quit but doesn't want to go to AA because "it's depressing"...well, isn't his drinking depressing him also? I can see how being a newcomer to the meetings can feel depressing, but everyone there has been thru that and understands. He'd be with others who have walked in his steps, who understand how hard it is to quit, and so on. He'd have support from others who understand and care. It is the same with us here in Al-Anon. We have sponsors just like AA has sponsors. Someone who has been in the program, who can help us walk thru it.
I didn't want to have to go to Al-Anon. I thought I didn't need a program. Just like the alcoholic, I didn't need a support group. Well, yes I did. It is just that my own thinking was so distorted by the effects of this disease that I could not see what was best for me. I'm thankful today that I came here, that I kept coming back until I was able to really see how much it did help my life. I continue coming because it enriches my life, and I need that.
We can't control what they do, we can't force them into recovery. We can though find recovery for ourself, we can gain a deeper understanding of this disease and learn how to support them in a healthy way (and sometimes that does mean leaving, othertimes not). I can tell the difference now between when my husband is trying to pull the "poor me" act, whether his excuse for something is valid or not. If it is not valid, I don't cater to that "poor me" act. He's been in AA before, he'll say something about how people treat "retreads" (a person who slipped and is going back to meetings), I will respond with "you know it is principles over personalities, whats more important, what people might say, or your own recovery?" and then I just leave it at that. His choice as to what he does.
All I can do is encourage you to keep coming back. There is a whole family here who understands and have open arms waiting to welcome you. Keep reaching out - we're here for you!
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Welcome! I was angry on and off for years. A pretty normal reaction to feeling disappointed repeatedly. the problem I had with being angry is that it made me feel horrible. I was so consume with dealing with my disappointment and anger that I forgot to enjoy the good times and people in my life. I still get angry and disappointed, just now i try to really find the reason why I am feeling this way and let it go, so i can get back to living my happy moments.
LOL Just the thoughts that popped into my head reading your post, welcome and I hope you keep coming back! Take care of yourself.
It's OK to feel whatever you feel. It is very difficult otto watch someone you love kill himself, especially as he can so easily drag you down with him.
The "understanding' and 'supportive' part, to me, is in understanding that he is not doing this on purpose. This is not just a case of "If you loved me, you would quit". If there was any 'just quit" about it, don't you think he would have quit years ago? He sees what it is doing to you, to the kids, to himself. He's terrified, though, that he won't be able to live without drinking. He can't imagine getting through life without it. Since he also is not an idiot, and sees that the life he is living can't continue, he's caught between a rock and a hard place. What's the best way to deal with a seemingly impossible problem, if you are an A? That's right, you get drunk to forget about it. If you can think of an excuse (or even if you can't), you blame your wife for the whole thing.
We can refuse to put up with unacceptable behaviour, while still understanding that the A is not doing this out of malice, but because of his disease. For me it was a 'light bulb' moment - "Aha! He's not an a**hole, he's an alcoholic". May not change what you do, but can change your attitude about it, and attitude is everything.
I don't think Al-Anon nor Al-Anon literature necessarily encourages us to be "understanding and supportive" of unacceptable behavior from our A's. What they really try to encourage us is to find a place, for OUR recovery, where we can slow down (or stop) focussing so much of our time, energy, and frustrations on our active A's (which is mostly a waste of our energy), and turn that focus onto ourselves, and our own recovery. (It's easy to see how sick our A's are, but we often forget or cannot see how sick this has made us!).
Al-Anon doesn't, nor should it, get into what you should or shouldn't do with respect to staying vs. leaving, etc., as those are all individual situations calling for decisions that are unique to you and your circumstances. I'd encourage you to read - try "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews.... In a nutshell, that book lays out that "if you really love your A, then you will get yourself healthy".
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
