need 20/20 vision - Al-Anon Family Group

sld488 · Senior Member

need 20/20 vision

lovescoping · Member

Hi,

Put your son first.

Nan

jonibaloni · Veteran Member

How many things on your 'staying' list are 'should's' or 'might's'?.... cross all those off, for starters.

...and you are right about you being in recovery... YOU will get better, but IT may not....

Trust God, Clean House, Help Others.

Finally, using the 4 Absolutes can help a great deal. The 4 Absolutes are : Honesty, Purity, Unselfishness, Love. Use them regarding your son.

The questions for each Absolute are as follows:

Honesty: Is it true or false?

Purity: Is it right or wrong?

Unselfishness: How will it affect the other person(s)? (Who's more important?)

Love: Is it ugly, or is it beautiful?

For more info on the 4 Absolutes, go to:

http://home.kc.rr.com/ezdozit/4%20Absolutes.htm

(This is an AA link, but completely applies to the AlAnon too... all 12 step programs originally derived from the 4 absolutes, from the original Oxford group, as you will read...)

Jonibaloni

-- Edited by jonibaloni at 01:54, 2006-07-24

-- Edited by jonibaloni at 02:00, 2006-07-24

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

sld..
My guess is that there is something a little deeper going on between your son and boyfriend, and it's probably not about this one instance at all.
Of course it is our job to protect our children, but there are two sides here.

Is your BF right in that your teenage son was lacking in his chores? Mouthing off to an adult is disrespectful in my home. Did your BF tell you to get him out of there to cool things off or as a threat?

Your A may owe your son an apology for his actions, but your son also owes an apology if indeed his chores aren't getting done and he mouthed off.

If your A wants you to stay (and if you want to), I would suggest you and your A have a talk about how things could have been handled differently. You and your son are a package deal and I'm sure your A knows that. Perhaps he could admit to your son he was wrong in asking you to get him out of there, but...he should not have to put up with being disrespected and mouthed off to either.

Your son would benefit by attending Alanon or atleast learning some Alanon tools.
Could your son have avoided all this by not attending the fight, walking away and perhaps doing his chores?

I'm just trying to look at both sides. Not take a side.
Normally Alanon suggests to butt out, but I think there are exceptions when children are involved. As parents it is our job to teach them how treat others. If we live with an alcoholic it is also our job to teach them tools to cope.
Yes, we should protect them at all costs. But if your son was being disrespectful, he was in the wrong too and it probably escalated the situation. If that's the case leaving will only enforce that it's ok to treat people with disrespect.

Was your A acting irrationally because he was drunk?
Is there underlying friction between the two?
Should your son have mouthed off?
Were his chores done?

Just some thoughts..
Christy

ollie · Veteran Member

this post i found amazing,the 4 absolutes ,i clicked onto the site to read them properly,they are truly beatifully written,its the first time i have ever seen or heard of them,but its a site from now on i will read often when i need reminding of my feelings

Thank you sooooo much

love ollie x

tea2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello sld,

Sharing from my own experience here,

When I was a young teen my mother married the a/gambler as her second husband, you bet I resented it when he gave orders and demanded things. Did I feel like doing what he insisted? After all he was not my real father, he sure gave me the creeps and he was with my mother. He played tug of war with my mother and me. I can see numerous ways that this hurt me.

I agree alateen /some literature would help. I suggest having a heart to heart with son and listening to why your child is having a hard time with him, I suspect it may have little to do with doing the chores.

Wishes, tea2

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

Oddly enough, something I have found very helpful in my life, when I don't know what to do - I pretend to write a letter to Ann Landers about it. I imagine seeing that letter in the newspaper, and what Ann's response would be, and what MY response would be, to reading it. For some reason, this gives me the necessary distance, to really look at the problem.

In general, alanon says to butt out of your A's relationships with other people - in other words, let the two of them work it out. However, you also have a responsibility to look out for your son's best interests. If you don't feel that your A can be trusted to keep the kid's best interests in mind, then you NEED to - you guys are the adults here, and we all know that we can't really trust an active A to act like an adult. That leaves just you, to be the grownup in this situation. Your son needs a balanced and sane person looking out for him - he is a kid. Your A does not need this, he is an adult. If I had to put a priority on things here, it would be - first, your son's needs (not wishes or desires, but needs) then yours, then your boyfriend's. This does not mean that the kid can blow off his chores, and mouth off, without consequences, just that a caring adult is the person who decides what those consequences are, not an uncaring one.

Mike5056 · Veteran Member

The easy thing is to do nothing. Where will that get you? Only you can answer that.

The test I use is to imagine them having left. Which are you more relaxed about? Your son being gone or your boyfriend?

I am at the stage where if she leaves that is fine. I am at peace. When my kids go to their mother to stay I am counting the hourse to when they come back. Unfortunately I have not yet summoned the courage to instigate the split. I get the emotional blackmail of what it would do to HER son if I threw them out.

I am gaining strength from this site by the day. I will prevail as a human being in my own right, not as the partner of an alcoholic. I hope you too achieve this.

Mike

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.