The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had hard thought about myself and maybe over reacting myself. It was selfish think to say no to such a small think. I set high standard to future father of my kids, that’s maybe the problem. We are talking about starting family in future and I watch him closely how is he with his daughter. I shouldn’t be so uptight and be little realistic. I cant say he is good or bad father until I have my own kids. I want the perfect life for my kids, but who is perfect? But who doesn’t want the best for their kids? I suppose I have to relax more around them and just have fun with them.
I’m scared of have my own kids, I think I’m not ready to be mother, but I’m hitting 30 this year and I wont be young forever. My head is going thousand miles/hour at the moment, someone stop me……….
Well, i'm not leaving him just becouse there is posibility of relapse. Yoy can't see the future with anybody. Someone look like a god and act like one before the "i do" and they turn the devil in no time, we cant judge or say who is going to be good or bad partners in years to come. I know we might have higher posibility of the wrong turn, but that shouldnt scare me and it doesnt. What is scare me is ME.
I would think hard about where you're at in life. This is someone who's brand new in sobriety--he's not gonna be persuing a relationship for at least a year. Secondly, the idea that you need to find Mr. Right Now is setting yourself up for heart ache. Think hard about your goals in life; then think if a mairrage would enhance your life or make you struggle.
I'm sorry Tiger, but where you getting the idea from that i need to find mr. right?????
and 2nd "he's not gonna be persuing a relationship for at least a year"- we are in relationship last 2 years, i was by his side the whole time, did my counceling with him etc.
First of all do you attend face to face alanon meetings? If so perhaps speaking to your sponsor about your concerns would help. In my opinion so many people jump into relationships for the wrong reasons. Some work out some dont. Add an A to the mix and you have to be prepared for almost anything, and expectations will run high. As long as you are prepared for what may or may not happen, only you can answer your own questions, and you and only you will know when you are ready. Good Luck,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,gardengal
I can tell you from experience that sometimes (maybe a lot of times) we're told things here that we don't WANT to hear.
What I'm reading from your posts is that: 1) you are afraid of developing any closeness with your boyfriend's daughter and 2) that you really aren't ready to become a mother but feel you should because your biological clock is ticking away and you may lose that chance. Please correct me if I've misunderstood.
OK, my opinion (for what it's worth) is that first, you stop taking your A's inventory. Stop setting standards that you yourself admit are too high - he's going to be who he's going to be no matter what you do. You need to heal yourself, to accept him for who he is. He will NEVER be perfect and you will only be continually disappointed if you expect him to be or if you expect him to change. Trying to change another person will only backfire - everytime!
The worst thing you can do to that little girl is to make her feel that you don't want her around. If her mother has issues with her "liking" you, then you deal with the mother but don't shun the child. Her liking you is a good thing and not something to be feared. Build a relationship with her because if you do stay with her father that will become very important.
As for having your own kids - DON'T - you admit that you're not ready. Not being young forever is one of the worst reasons to have children. Having children for any reason other than wanting to be a mother and have a family out of love is ludicrous. Children cannot be the panacea for a crappy life, nor should they be conceived because you feel that you're running out of time.
My best advice to you is to come here often, read the posts, go to meetings here and f2f and learn how to love and take care of yourself and stop taking others' inventory.
Since I started coming here and reading I came to a lot of realizations, not only about my A, who is my fiancee of 5 yrs (to be married this fall) but about myself too. As I learned, grew and held tight to the tools of AlAnon, my life changed. My A is sober for 2 wks and I don't believe that will continue but I accept him for who he is. He knows I come here and encourages me to take care of myself. I know him well enough to know that if and when he's ready to quit drinking (an 18 pk/day habit) that he'll do it in his own way and time. I accept that. But as I said, our life together has changed more than you'll ever know. The verbal abuse is gone - he knows I won't stay and listen to it - it's wasted talk and he doesn't waste words. He was never abusive in any other way, nor has he ever hidden his drinking or driven drunk. When he drinks he drinks at home and in my presence.
Sorry, got a little off track there - just wanted you know that this program DOES work but you have to work the program, it won't happen on it's own.
Good luck to you and think before you act...best I can say is to put yourself in the little girl's shoes.....how would your actions make you feel if you were her and she were the one ignoring you.
~arwyn
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"For my part I know nothing of certainty, but the sight of stars makes me dream."
-Vincent Van Gogh
thanks for the lovely thoughts. I'm not trying to ignore her, i just dont want to make any mistakes with her. I have to learn how to relax more with her and just to have fun and not to think too hard.I was very flustrated when i wrote the whole thing. We are going away this weekend with her, trying to spend more time just 3 of us. I wish there was a book with rules how to be around young child, but there is non. I'm just scared stiff i do something wrong and she will hate me for rest of her life. I now that is stupid and i do hear myself how ridicilous that sound. I love them both and want to be her friend. I suppose we need spend more time together.
