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Hi, all--I know I haven't been here for awhile (two jobs now), but I would like to hear how many of you how handle this situation.
My A goes to the bar just about every day now--he was self employed and has just about stopped all activity regarding work. He has a small pension and took early social security. We do have some money in savings. I have always paid all the bills and handled our finances. I have a full time job and a part time job. He doesn't do anything but watch TV and go to the bar. Last year he developed emphysema (a heavy smoker).
Anyway, I have been giving him about $50 a week for spending money. He was fine with this, but now since he is drinking more (and betting on sports) he wants control of more money. He also doesn't eat properly and wants money to buy food. I have given him money for food, but he ends of spending it on drinking. The more money he gets, the more obnoxious he is when he comes home from the bar. How do you all handle the situation, when you see the money spent like this?
My A gets a disability check once a month of only little over $600. I require $300 month for his 1/2 of fixed household expenses. He puts up his $150 in food stamps for food and I buy the rest for the month since $150 only covers about half food bill for the both of us. The rest is his to spend as he wishes but it is not enough to cover his 30 pack a day habit, gas and cigarettes. Once it is gone it is gone. Read my previous posts on this subject for more info.
As you can see by many of the posts the financial aspect of this disease is a big problem for many of us and holding to our boundaries on this issue is tough. But with Alanon you can learn how to. Go to f2f meetings if you can. Read the posts here. Join us in chat and at the online meetings. This program works if you work it and you are worth it.
Lisa, thank you for your reply. If your A has $150 a month to spend on his gas, drinking, and cigerettes, I don't see how he could keep up his drinking and smoking...I am giving my A a total of $150 a month, which amounts to $5 a day...but I can't figure out how he can drink every night from 2 to 2 on only $5. It sickens me to think of him sitting there with his glass empty and his buddies buying him drinks. Secondly, I know he does a little work and gets paid cash for it...the more he has, the more he spends...on alcohol...I can see now I will definitely need to draw the line...being "nice" is out of the question.
If his expenses have gone up, and your income hasn't, it should not be up to YOU to make up the difference. I wouldn't get into monitoring what he spends the money on ("I'll give you more if you promise to spend it on food, not booze....") mostly because he would just lie to you about it anyway.
Whoa, nice? when we are nice, we are stopping our A from getting where they may need to get to get on a program of recovery.
When we give them money, we are giving it to their disease not them.
I would not give him a dime. I used to. But not a dime now.
They will say they need medicine, or whatever to get money for drugs.
He is gambling your money away???? How do you feel about that?
You don't want his buddies to buy him drinks? huh?
See the whole point is you are loading his gun for him. It is all up to you however.
Do you believe he may love you more if you do this stuff?
If I were you, I would have my own bank account. Save your own money. Protect you.
You can't stand for him to have an empty glass?
The Alcoholism loves it when we pity it and try to help it. In alanon we learn to stop any support of it at all. We look at what we want for ourselves.
There is no figuring out anything about the A or how he does this or that. My A told me if he wants to drink, he will find a way. And he did.
We nurturing people have to change how we see things. We cannot do things for them anymore. I know it is hard. Was and is for me too. But I KNOW I am not helping him or me.
(((Annie)))) Sounds like you are working yourself to death, girl. I read what debi wrote, and I agree with her on the book. It gave me a whole new perspective on things. I recommend you get it ASAP!
Financial boundaries, or any, for that matter, are hard for me also. Sometimes I felt like it was just better, or easier to give in than to fight. But all I did was dig myself deeper into depression and darkness. Alanon will show you the light.
From a low-bottom alcoholic in recovery, to you...
I did the whole 9 yards... taking handouts, working jobs in secret so I would have MORE MORE MORE... I could and would never get enough. When my disease got overblown enough, I threatened people in my family for money...
Debilyn has it 100% right... I have said this before and will say it again, AlAnon saved my life... HOW? It taught my family how to throw me out, then butt-out so that I could reach a place where it was only myself on my knees, God, and the hand of AA. Sure, I was Pi**ed OFF at them; even ran away for a time. But I came back and thanked them, in the end.
In fact that is what keeps my husband working! He knows that if he does not work he will get NO money from me for alcohol. I would give him a gas card for gas, buy all groceries myself (including frozen dinners for when neighter of us has time to cook) and that would be IT! If he needed meds I would buy it for him, etc. I would treat him like he was acting...like an irresponsible liability.
Women have to work too hard for their money I think to blow it on a husband's alcoholism. I would not blow my own money like that...why should I let someone else?
Maybe I am so harsh since my first husband was the biggest deadbeat known to man. He made thousands of dollars a month and still conned me out of the little money I made at my part time job while I was pregnant and having to take breaks to throw up. Thank goodness I wisened up before he conned me out of every penny I had...I still had enough to buy a used crib for our baby and fabric to make some baby clothes. Never again! He spent up his entire salary on drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol and then called me up (he was a truck driver) begging me to send him money for food since he was starving...sigh! I was a big dope and sent it to him, feeling sorry for him...like I said...never again.
Alcholics don't think about the future...they think about today. Are YOU thinking about your future? Are you saving for your retirement? Do you have money set aside for emergencies?
At least I don't have any guilt that I enable my husband's drinking. He works and pays for every drop that he drinks and contributes far more than his fair share to household expenses. This does not make it "OK" but at least he will only have himself to blame.
I know it is hard to reign back on finances when you are clearly such a generous and compassionate person, but remember, you have to think about yourself AND him in the future. Letting him drink and smoke away your retirement, savings, and security will not help either of you any.
Thanks, all, for your honesty in posting...I gave him the $20 he asked for yesterday when he went to the bar at 2 p.m. At 2:30 a.m., I was awakened and looked out of the window to see if he were home. Everything was dark in the TV room where he goes. I tiptoed downstairs to see if he had closed our garage door (that always worries me). He heard me and wanted me to turn on the lights. He had fallen in the kitchen. I got his oxygen turned on for him and gave him a pillow.
This morning, thanks to all of you, I told him I discussed this with my alanon friends, and he could have $50 a week for his spending money and that was it. The more money he has the drunker he comes come, and I wasn't going to deal with it. If he wanted to eat, we would go out together and get food or bring it back to the house to eat. I told him to get the money from his clients if he wanted more spending money. I also said that if he wanted to go into counselling, it would be wonderful to have an objective view of our relationship.
He is barely speaking to me now so I figured I had nothing more to lose in our relationship. Now I have to make certain I hide all the checkbooks, etc. Hugs to all of you.
