The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You know today is one of those days that i don't even want to post this. It seems like everything I say lately is so negative and needy. I am praying for something positive to say SOON, and I am praying that I am digging up and out faster than he is digging down.
I can't remember the exact quote or saying but I read a post or slogan about our HP's expecting us to help ourselves as much as possible. I am doing it, best I can. Everyday I do something to get one step closer to up and out, even as dumb as making one phone call.
Today I feel like such a failure, and I know it's not my fault or anything. I spent so much time thinking about the drunk driving issue. I was so happy when my prayers were answered and his car died. I found out today when he borrowed his aunt's truck supposedly to move things out of here (which never happened) he was involved in a hit and run accident. None of us need to wonder why he ran.
His aunt called me today, first time I have spoken to her in a couple years ... another one he told so many lies about me to, as well as some truthful things that did not make me look good prior to my learning so much here. She needed insurance info and he would not give her a straight answer. I rold her the companies the insurance was with and LET GO again.
When I got home his car is gone .... and I can't do a dang thing about it. Maybe he sold it, maybe he took out a loan on it like last year and they came to take it away, maybe he is driving it off a cliff like he said he wanted to, all these maybes and I can no longer allow myself the luxury of caring. I'm sorry to him, I'm sorry to anyone he may hurt, I'm sorry to myself for feeling bad that I can't stop his destruction.
Someone answered one of the posts here that I have to start living life as if I were single, I am. All the things i honestly thought I could count on him for around the house at this time I have found others to help me with it. I just pray I am digging up faster than he is digging down ... now that I have let go of him I have two hands but so does he. I'm gonna try to rely on my hope that my HP is more inclined to help me up than my HP is inclined to help him down.
I love the quote !! That goes for me too :) I am right next to you cheering you on as i am sure that you are cheering me on ..
Letting go is the hardest thing I have ever done.. I dont know how to do it. Let me rephrase, my head knows how my heart just wont do it.. I am trying but WOW i am struggling!! As for you, GO GIRL !! Take one day at a time and know that you are not alone on this journey of recovery
when i let go i had two hands and i really started to grow. but my ah still only had one hand cause the other was holding the bottle. he didn't take the same path as me even though he tried several times and we both felt the growing apart. that's what happened. we just grew apart. our priorities became different. you will be ok. you have such strong faith and courage. sounds like your life has already changed alot. i will keep you in my prayers. one of my favorites that i heard in a meeting was when you're going thru hell keep going. you are detatching and it is hard. for me it was one of the wierdest feelings. i didn't know what to do with it. it's more comfortable now but not all the time. you're doing great and you are a great example for me as to how the program works when we work it. lots of love and luck
I'm sorry you are going through this painful situation. When I'm in a painful situation with my A and feeling really sad I often forget to pray for my A and myself. I also tend to forget my Alanon slogans like "This too shall pass" and Let Go Let God. Its especially hardest for me to let go and pray about things when I'm so angry at him and me. This too shall pass... tomorrow may look different so hang in there. You are digging up even if you only think its tiny steps up its still upwards. Take time to appreciate your growth today you are doing what you need to do for you. Let him do whatever it is he feels he needs to do.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
the car stuff is enormous for me. When I got together with the A I did not know he had had a conviction for reckless driving. He has had so many issues with stuff. I really do sometimes hate him for his lies and deceit and denial around it. I used to want to reinforce it. Now I don't. I just let it all go as you do. The A has crashed and burned tons of cars. He is down to one truck (which I have paid for). Like your husband he has taken out loans against it amont other things. I feel totally used up and dried up around the car stuff. He is incredibly selfish, reckless and careless with my things. Yet today he complained that I used some of his aspirin. I have to remind myself constantly he is ill.
He can tell I think these days that I say very very little to him. I ask him for certain things, that's it. I don't argue with him. I volunteer very very very little. If I engage with him it is an opportunity to create resentment for me. Why set myself up? He cannot be there for me.
Like you I wanted a partner, instead I got an enormous handicap. I got someone who put me absolutely last on the list.
I have had many a situation that was so far out of my control that the only choice I have had is to look up and give it to HP. He is way more capable of controling things than I am.
You and your family continue to be in my prayers.
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
