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TOPIC: I answered my own question

drucilla06

Senior Member

Status: Offline

Posts: 395

Date: Jul 19, 2006

I answered my own question	Permalink

(((friends))) I had a different post here but I erased it.It was a relapse,I think. I had listed some of the resentments I have had come to the surface while doing my 4th step. I re-read my post this morning and my answers were staring me in the face.The resentments I have toward my AH are all due to his disease and my disease.It's really that simple. I was only 17 when I married him.I hadn't seen any role models for a healthy marriage.I was born in the 50's.When I was in high school most girls just wanted to get married and have babies.It wasn't till the 70's that women started to become 'liberated'.But I never followed that movement.I would still put my make up on and something pretty to wear and have supper on the table when my husband got home from work.I'd have all my cleaning done before he got home.I did everything for him.I was a total housewife.I never did get pregnant so he was my focus. I thought my husband's parents had a good marriage.He worked ( I later realized he was an A)She stayed home and raised the kids and did everything in the house.Had supper on the table and the house clean when he got home.If she were on the phone when he came in she would hang up.On the weekends and evenings when he was home she didn't go out with friends or talk to them on the phone.The family SEEMED happy.So I used her pattern to become what I thought was a good wife. So,take the fact that I never wanted to be anything but a wife and mother,the era I grew up in where women mostly took care of their husbands and kids,didn't really seek careers,add having grown up in an alcoholic family,plus my husband becoming an alcoholic,I was doomed.Again,I am seeing my part in all of this. My husband was also a product of that era,he was born in the 40's.He didn't want me to work,wanted me to stay home and raise kids and take care of him just like his mother had done.So with him also having grown up in an alcoholic family,and having the disease himself,he was also doomed. I hope this makes sense.I think I can let the anger and resentments go because I see that we both did what we could with what we had.It is not productive now to be angry about it.I can't change the way I lived,the choices I made.But I can make better choices now.I can let all that go and accept it for what it was. love and hugs d -- Edited by drucilla06 at 10:15, 2006-07-20 -- Edited by drucilla06 at 10:15, 2006-07-20 __________________

nmike

~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline

Posts: 2677

Date: Jul 20, 2006

RE: resentments (ugh)	Permalink

(((((drucilla))))), I hear you. Just a few ESH. I have been married 32 years to my AHsober with him moving out last year and wanting a divorce. I am outta here, I not happy with you, I want to date. Blah, blah, blah. I have the same resentments. Why do I do all the work and you sit there and watch TV. Why weren't you there when I needed you the most? Why do I do all the emotions and you don't even cry or feel your pain? Why doesn't everyone see that you are the lazy one and why do they see me as the b@#$%? I moved when he made a geographic move and literally left my profession at the top. I listen to Joe and Charley tapes (CAL). They talk about the Big Book. They say that resentment is reliving a wrong over and over again. It is part of that stinkin' thinkin' that they talk about in AA. Gives them an excuse to drink or for us Alanoners to stay in the victim role. I have also read Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson (not CAL). It sure opened my eyes about being a doormat for my AH. In a way he says that we have no boundaries and no bottom line. For myself, I have a fear of abandonment so my AH has threatened me our entire marriage with leaving. So I need to get stronger and learn to take care of myself. Someone told me that I was going to the hardware store to buy milk. My AH is just not capable of being there for me (although my other resentment is why is he there for everyone else including strangers?). They also they us over and over again to focus on ourselves and our own recovery. We become sicker then them. What came to me yesterday was that I did chose him. That is my part in it. In making that choice, I choose living with an alcoholic drinking or not. I feel the same as you that compared to some people's lives with A's, I have had a fairly decent life. BUT you should not minimize your reality because this is not easy. So for myself, I am making the best of living alone. If my AHsober wants a divorce that is his business and I can't do anything about it. I am very sad about that. I have a right to choose if I want a divorce (in my mind at least). I am looking for sources of support besides my AH including friends, family, strangers, and Alanon. I have covered myself with recovery books and tapes. I am learning to love myself and take better care of myself. I am working on my 4th step and this is scarey. I make small decisions every day that empower me. For you Dru, you are admitting that you have resentments. This is a good start. We will have good days and bad days. I think that the 12 steps tell us to ask our HP's to remove these defects of character. You and I never travel alone because our HP's are always with us. In support, Nancy __________________

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