With or without them... - Al-Anon Family Group

hersh · ~*Service Worker*~

With or without them...

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Hersh))))

Wow, what a day you've had. I am just barely beyond that point myself. I am working the program for 2 reasons these days, I want to be able to live my life by what is right and not based on my AW and her disease, and if she doesn't find the strength to begin a recovery program and for whatever reason I decide we no longer need to live together, I will be ok.

I still have hope that she will hit some bottom that is recoverable. But I am prepared to not be there to see it. That probably sounds colder that I really feel, but it is truthful. I love my wife, but the mixture of her and the disease is abusive and controlling. Since she has decided to drink excessively every single day, that's all I really see anymore.

We had a nice evening last night. Yes, she still had 12 beers and passed out before I did, but we didn't fight. Is that the life I want for the rest of my life? No.

Keep working your program, to help you be better and everything will come into place somehow is what everyone is telling me. It is helping, so hang in there.

We are here for you!

Take care of you!

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know that my relationship unravelled. I think my denial unravelled. I don't expect very much from the A these days. Very very minimal stuff that way I do not set myself up. The falls can be so colossal from my expectations. I certainly railed when other people put it out there.

I know when I came here I was absolutely obsessed with where the A was, the sense of foreboding I had and trying to second guess stuff. Now I am not. I am not responsible for his behavior anymore. I do not try to second guess it. I also don't get into it anymore what he does and when he does it. That doesn't mean my life is good, it isn't but it is more bearable.

All I can suggest is go to meetings, hang out in the chat room and more. Eventually the program starts to kick in.

Maresie.

beachgrl · Member

Dear ((((Heidi))))

Keep meditating on the first three steps - You didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. You are only responsible for the things you can control.

I chose to jump off the roller coaster and asked my AH to leave after he stopped recieving treatment. He left...but is entering an inpt. rehab on Friday. All of a sudden he has decided that the drinking isn't as important as his family. I will not allow him to return home until he shows a committment to sobriety. I was able to change and work my recovery once I stopped trying to control the fate of my marriage and handed everything over to my HP

Surrender yourself to your HP... and get yourself to a f2f Alanon meeting. Also, Paths to Recovery Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions and Concepts is a tremendous help to me.

Take care of you,

beachgrl - Karen

-- Edited by beachgrl at 20:37, 2006-07-19

drucilla06 · Senior Member

((((hersh))))

You are not nuts.And you are not alone.There is alot of uncertainty for me as well.I am kinda new to actually working the steps but have been in and out of alanon for 16 years.This time I am really getting it and really staying with it.I credit that to the great people of MIP,this message board and the online meetings.

I am not a people person so the f2f meetings just do not work for me.I have found so much support and help right here.I read alot of the literature also.I am working the steps.

I have been married to my AH 36 years.We have separated once before but it was his idea and I was not strong.I went back the minute he asked me to.Now we have almost separated again.Once again,his idea.Now he wants to work on it an stay together.I am much stronger than I have ever been,I am seeing the changes I need to make and I am ( for the first time in my life) believing I am worth it.I know I can't go back from here.Things will have to change.

Part of me wants to stay with him and part of me wants to finally move on.I am going to continue to work this program, keep the focus on me and see where that leads.I have given my will and my life to my HP.

I am familiar with the AA program because my husband has been in AA for 16 years. I believe Alanon is very different.If you are blowing up and crying like a baby you are in the right place.That is exactly where I was when I came here.

Stick around.You will find help.Give yourself some time.Glad you are here.

love and hugs d

-- Edited by drucilla06 at 21:35, 2006-07-19

smpoli · Veteran Member

Heidi,

Yeah, I know. Been there, done that. Not that many yrs, but I was married a man of broken promises and so on and so forth. I went back several times, all for the wrong reasons. When I found Al anon over 5 yrs ago, I found that I did deserve happiness, love and I deserved to be Happy Joyous and Free! I finally said enough was enough and said goodbye. I am SO grateful that I did. I have love in my life today. You can move on. Or you can stay, the choice has to be yours though.

I have friends that are double winners. They have said that AA teaches them how to be sober and Al Anon teaches them how to live. Doing the steps w/a sponsor would be highly recommended. Doing them the Alanon way I have also been told is much harder. So, check it out, try it for yourself, then and only then, you will know what is best for you

Love Sandy

Rita G · ~*Service Worker*~

Heidi,

I'm sure since you have been around the program that you have heard the saying "Nothing changes if Nothing changes"

I told drunk A lastnight that it was over (for the fourth time), I am so finished.

For me, I have learned there is no use saying it, unless I mean it. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Maybe try reading info on boundaries. The reason some of our A's treat us this way is because we allow them to.

The only person who I know that can change is me - through working the steps, talking with my sponsor, attending meetings (f2f or online whichever works for you), reading program literature, seeking guidance from a HP.

Taking care of you and working your life is the only way to be happy, joyful and free.

Just my E, S & H,

Rita

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.