The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A little over 5 years ago, following an especially heavy drinking period, I went to AA and got sober, and have remained alcohol-free since that time.
This spring I met and fell in love with someone, and we have recently moved in together.
I am a musician and play regularly around town (in bars, of course). This is a common ground for us, as she is a music lover, and this shared love of music was important in the bonding between us. Early in our relationship I really wasn’t bothered much by that fact that she would drink while we were out at the bars on the music scene. She has never drank at my (or our) home.
However, over the past week or two I have been becoming resentful about the fact the she can drink, while I can’t. It’s been especially troubling, because I clearly know and understand that alcohol is poison for me. It would seem terribly selfish of me to ask her to stop drinking because of MY problem.
i'm kinda new here, but i'm situation your girlfriend is at the moment. My bf is A, but do not enjoy drink myself. I do like to have glass of wine with my friend, but thats it, no more. I hated his drinking, so i hate drink myself. I dont have great ideas how to solve your problem, i feel you need to talk to her about it.
You didnt mentioned if she knows you had problem with drink, and if you did, she might not understand fully how bad drinking was for you and the effects. You met her when you were sober, she doesnt know you in the bad way. Take her to open meeting or something, she needs to learn and take it from there.
I don't feel qualified to give advice, but I think it is great that you were able to get help and have gotten your life together. That's not fluff, as my wife is so deep in the disease right now that it is just unbelievable.
It takes a tremendious amount of strength to seek and accept help for this disease.
Do you worry that her drinking makes you want to drink again? If you love her, I would talk to her about it, even if you don't ask her to stop. (well... I guess that was advice, kinda)
Either way, take care of you and know you are welcome to vent it out here.
-- Edited by rtexas at 12:32, 2006-07-19
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Welcome to the MIP family. Congrats on your sobriety! That's great!
I am the wife of a recovering alcoholic. He calls himself a chronic relapser/numb drunk. Thankfully (fingers crossed) he's "getting it". I was never comfortable drinking around him. I miss cooking with wine, and can keep a bottle of whatever around for a year. This time he has said that he really doesn't mind if I want to bring a bottle of wine home. I don't know, it makes me uncomfortable still. He has had a lot of challenges this past month, in which before he would go out and get a bottle. However not this time. His Dad who has 36+ years of recovery seems to believe that this time around it will be different. I am trying to be optimistic about that because I see so much positive change in him. That makes me very happy and proud of him.
There was one day when I helping a friend at her house and had a drink. He told me that it's okay and when we go out to dinner to have a glass of wine if I want it. Most of the time I'm just not in the mood for it.
My question to you is: do you think that she has a drinking problem? It almost seems as if you do, but I'm not sure. You might want to talk to someone in AA about your resentment. I can see how you might feel. I remember once hubby told me he wished he could be a social drinker, just have 1 and stop. But we all know that can't happen. If he drinks, he dies. For me, if my A asked me not to drink while we were together, it wouldn't be a problem. I have lived with his disease long enough to do anything to help his sobriety. But I'm not your girlfriend. I think communication between 2 people who love each other is so important. The dynamics of an active A realtionship and a sober relationship changes things.
Keep coming back to us.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Yes, she does know about my problem.. I told her when we first met that I am a recovering alcoholic.
Karilyn, it's interesting you noted that... She had a problem period in her life 6 years ago when she drank heavily and spent 30 days in rehab. Since I have known her, it's my opinion that she does drink a little too often and too much. As to whether she may be an alcoholic, at present I would guess no. Before we met she drank regularly, but not daily. In my opinion she does consume rather heavily, and I am deeply concerned about that.
We have discussed the problem, and on Monday I thanked her for going the past 2 weeks without drinking around me. We had not been out to a bar, though, till last night. When the waitress came, we ordered cokes... but while I was on stage playing music she had a rum & coke. On the drive home I felt very agitated inside knowing that I couldn't get high, too. Envy is the appropriate word, I suppose.
Congrats on 5 yrs sober, that's just awesome!! I was all over the place with my thoughts on your post. At first, before you said your GF had been in rehab, I thought maybe she just didn't understand alcoholism.
It sounds like she is trying to be respectful when with you, but then orders a drink as soon as you aren't around. That's a bit of a red flag to me. But, we aren't taking her inventory are we? lol
So, it seems you think the bottom line is that you are jealous that she can drink and party and you can't. How did you deal with that when you first got sober? I'm sure your friends still drank, right? Soooo..I'm thinkin maybe that's not really the issue. Why is this different?.
Maybe she makes you feel insecure about your sobriety (that's scary)? Angers you because you think her actions make you want to drink? You can't have that "party bond" with her?
Heck, I dunno, I'm just throwing stuff out there. I just have a feeling that it's more then jealousy over her drinking. Dig deeper in to those feelings maybe? But what do I know? LOL!
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
There are so many areas that this can bring up questions, maybe you might want to do some step work with your sponsor over this - just a suggestion?
Why does it bother you that she drinks?
and then,
Why would someone who "loves" you continually do something that makes you that uncomfortable and may affect your sobriety?
My AH is in AA, I am in Al-Anon - I have never been a drinker, 42 yrs old and never been drunk in my life - it just holds no attraction for me - so that is not an issue in our lives. But here is an example of something else: I love going to open AA meetings. I have learned so much from those meetings. I go to my AH's home group meetings. He doesn't have a problem with that. Sometimes he is there, sometimes he isn't. Now, He has the right to ask me at anytime to not go to a meeting, if he feels like he would like to go to the meeting alone. I respect his program and sobriety enough to do that for him. Even if I really would like to go to a meeting or even need to go to a meeting, it is HIS recovery program and I feel like I need to let him have his meetings. I have to back off and find another meeting.
Just my E,S, & H,
Learning to Let Go & Let God,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
boundaries are huge for us alcoholic and codependent alike. As I move further and further into recovery my boundaries are not something I agonise about they just are. If and when I leave the A where I live and how I live will be different. If I choose to live with somone again I would be super clear about what I could and couldnot live with. For me as someone who rushed into relationship that was something I did not take account of. That was a symbol of my low self esteem. I moulded myself to the relationship. My need was just not to be abandoned.
Maybe the alcohol is just a symbol? I know it is for me. I don't drink personally and I don't have drink in my house. The A drinks a lot out of the house and has friends who drink and use drugs. He does it a lot at certain times at Christmas in particular. i used to think he wanted to spend time at his mothers but he can drink there to excess. That is what holidays are for him a reason to drink. My needs are different. He can't honor my needs in that respect. I took years to get that.
Maybe you can look at this as a way to explore your needs and your boundaries rather than a crisis.
This can really be a touchy subject. I would have to say, from experience, it depends on the person.
My father is alcoholic, but my mom is not. My dad has been sober many yrs now. He was sober for at least 10 yrs before he was ok w/my mom drinking in there home. Now, it doesn't bother him if anyone drinks. I honestly believe he is not ok with it, but he drinks non alcoholic beer instead. I have mixed feelings on that one, so we'll leave that alone.
Anyway, I am married to an A. I do drink occasionally, and for a long time, it didn't bother him. He had 10 yrs clean. Now, he is drinking again. I won't excuse him for drinking, but I know that we are going through a REALLY hard time right now with our son. I have told him that his drinking is bothering me, and he still does it. So I have to remember, I have to take care of ME and not worry what they are doing. IN the same respect, you have to take care of you, no matter what your partner does. If you drink, it is your choice. If you have asked them not to drink with you/around you and they continue, I am sorry, but I would feel that to be a slap in the face. But I am a harsh thinker too...
Pray about it, see what your HP tells ya. You will find the right path for you. Believe in yourself, and you listen.
Maybe I'm not as nice as the rest of the post-ers on here, but it would seem to me that if you are feeling resentful that she can drink and you cannot, you need to dive back into YOUR program.... Those resentments are what will have you drinking again, NOT whether she drinks or not... This would appear to be much more about you, and your recovery/sobriety....
Just my opinion
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Congratulations on your 5 years! I have always had reservations about drinking around my AH, I have at times and not at others. He has never asked me not to but there have been times he has asked to drink around him. i won't even speculate the why's.
The conclusion i came to was this ... I have to live my own life, if I am in a situation and want a drink I do have one. This usually happens a couple times a year. I am not comfortable drinking much at any time anyway.
Reading through the replies, Christy and Tom words mirrored my thoughts and expanded on them. The resentment and or envy you feel over her drinking are your feelings. I am curious though, in a bar full of people drinking and listening to music ... is it only her actions that make you feel this way or is it everyone's right now?
LOL I don't know ... just rambling here. i'd had many a thought and guilt about this topic over the years.
Tom - thank you for getting to the crux. That's a large part of the problem I'm having, is my resentment that I can't drink. Time to get back into MY program.
