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A few days ago, as I was looking on our computer, I found a picture that was emailed to my husband by a man he works with of a girl he has been seeing in another state. In the picture the girl had her shirt pulled up exposing herself. I thought the whole thing was really tacky, the girl is married, 28 years old. The man who works with my husband is 63.
I wasn't going to say anything about it, but the more I thought, the angrier I got. Stinkin' thinkin' at its best. It's "my" computer (even tho the email was under my hubs screenname, we have 2 screennames, but one password). I pay the bill every month. I bought it. My husband doesn't have any business looking at another woman's boobs. The "friend" of his didn't have any business emailing that. That girl doesn't have any business doing what she's doing. Yeah, I take everyone's inventory....
Anyway, Fri. I sent his "friend" an email saying I didn't appreciate him sending that picture. Yesterday at work he told my husband I had sent him a "nasty-gram" as he called it. I told my hub yes, I did ask him not to send naked pictures to our computer. Hubby got irate, yelled, cussed me, screamed for an hour, bringing up everything he could think of. Called me fat, ugly, a bitch. Said my daughter and her husband are "queer" (?????) (And what if they were...ya know!) I mean, just the meanest, ugliest, weirdest things he could come up with. The cats leave hair, I looked disgusting yesterday.....on and on and on. Yes he was drunk, so I just went to bed. He took the computer tower off the computer stand. I don't know what he did with it, he said he was going to run over it with his truck. I did hear his truck start. I stayed in bed.
He slept on the couch. This morn. I had to wake him up to move his truck so I could move my car and go to work. He had parked catty-cornered so I couldn't get out. He jumped up off the couch when I asked him for his keys...."What for?!?!?!?" he asks....."So I can move my car", I said, and followed him out of the house. He backed his truck up, I got in my car and left. No goodbye, nothing. I didn't even look at him. I've been at work all day, doing pretty well, but now it's time to go home after my dentist appt., and I've got a big knot in my stomach. I hate to fight, and refuse to when he's drunk.
I hope he put the computer tower back, I hate to lose everything I have stored on the computer. He didn't run over it, I guess, I didn't see it this morning when I went to work.
I hate, hate, hate this. It can be so good for a while, then something like this happens and gets all blown up. He said I was "checking up" on him. I didn't think I was, I had no reason to think anything. Sometimes that guy sends funny jokes and stuff. And he had sent that naked picture on June 4, and I just now saw it, so obviously, I am not just trying to scope out my husband all the time.
I wish I had just ignored it like I do so many other things. I don't know why I didn't. It just made me mad that that girl is young enough to be our daughter, and that old guy's granddaughter. I thought my husband and that man were just really nasty old men, and it made me angry. And I think the girl is stupid, and nasty. Then my hub said I was just jealous! Not! That young girl has had 4 kids, so she's not exactly perky, if ya know what I mean.
Wish I had not slipped. Now I feel so guilty about slipping, I was doing pretty well, I thought. I guess I didn't think it would have been that big of a deal to my husband. I keep wanting him to be loving, understanding, caring, tender. Oh, yeah, I forgot.....he's an alcoholic. Never mind. Hope I get my serenity back soon, and I want it NOW!
Since the computer is taken apart, I am at the library, but I can't chat, only post. I hope I will be able to get back on here soon....If I don't I will go crazy.
I am so sorry you are going through this today. I also told a friend of my A exhusband not to send pornography to my computer. I just hate it and I do not want it on my PC. I feel it is my boundary. My computer, my email, my ISP...I pay for it it is mine. I changed my password and deleted his account. Told him if he wanted to do that crap he should buy his own pc. Is it controlling? Maybe. I have very strong feelings about that stuff and we have a daughter who I do not want to think it is ok. We are divorced now and he has his own pc more than likely full of porn. I cannot control his behavior only mine.
Hugs to you, you are thoroughty beating yourself up for this! You are only human and not to react to something of that nature is difficult. Remember, its progress not perfection. Move on and try not to let this one incident bring your recovery down, we all make mistakes and slip up. Last night, I offered a recovering alcoholic friend money for gas and cigs (he refused-good for him) he is doing well in recovery but in a tight spot.....well hell, so am I, what was I thinking, offering him money, geez. Its my codependent nature.....a slip, but to hell with it, I wanted to kick myself this morning but I said "no, its ok" to myself a hundred times til I believed it. I learned from it and thats a good thing.
And as far as the loving from the alcoholic, I am sure youve heard or read the saying, "looking for love from the alcoholic is like going to the hardware store for bread" Not gonna find it there! I too wish for more from the alcoholic in my life. He is sober now for 4 months and we are not together. Mainly because its not recommended he be a relationship now and he is following his sponsors advice. Its good advice but I miss him terribly.
Sorry that is stressing you out. I have been working real hard on "fair boundries" too. I will answer your question with a question: Does it bother you more that the picture was pornographic, or that it represents a friend trying to sway your husband into checking out the unscrupulous females out there? I will tell you why I said that.
My AW tends to follow the crowd she's with. The only actual affair she had was when she was hanging out (partying with) her single A friend. She decided the friends life of a different guy every day sounded pretty good. So she tried it.
Either way, I think you have every right to say what makes me uncomfortable is not allowed in my house. Sounds like that's what you did. Hang in there, it's tough but you can do it.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Thanks for your replies. I think the reason it bothered me so much, besides the fact that I thought it was weird for this old guy to want to send pictures of his naked "girlfriend" to my husband, is that I just did not think it was morally right for the guy to send it. If she sent it to her "old-guy" boyfriend, I can't imagine her wanting him to spread it around. And she's married. She also told the old-guy that she was sleeping with the man who shoes her horses. And she's only 28. And not pretty. Not sure what bothered me, just the whole thing. I dunno.
My husband and I have always had an extra special intimacy going on, you know? He's the best for me, said I was the best for him. We clicked that way, and it was wonderful. Now, he hardly wants to, and makes me feel like a whore when I approach him and make the first move. He can perform, so the alcohol doesn't have him down that way yet. But, his anger towards me makes him not want to have sex with me. I have never had this problem with a man before in my life! Makes me feel weird. Anyway, being truthful with myself, maybe the fact that he saved that girl's picture in his email, made me wonder what else I don't know about my husband. I mean, I do get really lonely for his touch, I miss it. So, what do I do, I overeat, eat sugary things. Need to lose about 30 lbs. I had lost 14 last year, he never even noticed, so I just gave up, and I gained it back. He used to make me feel special, and loved and pretty. Not now. I never had a guy tell me I am fat and ugly and stuff like that. But now I do feel fat and gross and unattractive and old.
I feel the need for honesty in our relationship, I have nothing to hide from him, I wouldn't care what site I was on. And when he finds out I've been in Alanon, he gets really mad. I told him I came here because of help for me, because my dad was an A and died when I was 16. Last night he was SCREAMING obscenities at me, saying "you aren't there because of your dad! That's just B.S." So, you think that means he's admitting to being an A? (wink)
I should have followed my first instinct to say nothing, but I hate to see young women used by men. I thought it was weird of old-guy to send photos of the breasts of a young girl, one he has slobbered all over, and had to take Viagra to even perform with....to my husband. YUCK!
Then, even tho I was not jealous of that girl's breasts (nothing special to look at to me, a boob is a boob), but to think my husband could maybe get turned on by someone else, when he calls me ugly and fat, I don't know, I'm just so confused.
We don't normally have porn on our computer, that I know of. He had agreed in the past for old guy to go after this young girl was insane. But then he acted like I was spying on him or something.
Next time, I will stop, and go with my gut instinct, which was to say nothing. Or if I did see it, delete it. I just wish I could be upfront with my husband, he said I should have talked to him first if I was upset. If I had, it would be the same fighting, tearing apart the computer mess I'm in now. I'm thinking this disease has rotted my husband's brain, he gets so crazy. I am proud that I was able to go to work today and not call off sick. My heart is sick, though. Thank all of you who respond. I have been anxious all day to come here, I knew I would find the healing I need so badly.-
I hope he puts the computer back and doesn't destroy it, like he has so many of our things. Do all A's like to tear up stuff? I hate the path of destruction that winds thru everything alcohol touches.
I just got the book Getting Them Sober, and in it the author Toby Rice Drews talks over and over again about being patient with ourselves and our recovery. We lived with the disease for years and did not get this way over night. So we are not going ot be cured overnight.
I do not log into my hubby's email at all. If he gets a funny he will forward it to me or tell me about it. Why cause myself more frustrations by finding something I may not want to find?
Yes it is easier said than done, but remember, progress, not perfection!
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
We are only human, it's okay to get upset, it's okay to get mad over something that is offending and disgusting. We live and we learn, but we can't completely change who we are, or what are morals are. I would have been pissed to, there are some nasty women/girls out there and to take a pic of yourself naked and sending it around like that, i mean, come on! What is this world coming to. Just remember, your not crazy, THEY are!
sorry to hear that, but i'm not sure if i'm sorry for you or him. Honestly, he is JUST a man, nothing more. Men have different brain. I know its hard to exept it, but you can ignore it. I learn alot about men and woman, there is wondrfull book call "men are from Mars, woman are from Venus". It gave me different perspective and peace. I do get jealous lots of times, but i do have reason, but i'm still working on it. Trust is something you can't really get, has to be work on. You dont have any reason to be jealous becouse he was looking at picture, really, he didnt talk to that woman, didnt ask her to have a dance with him or drink with him. Its just a picture. I'm looking at it from the light side, no one got hurt, no one was cheating, it was just stupid. Say it to yourself, stupid man and leave it there. We can not change the nature of men, we can just "study" them. It ment nothing to him.
We all slip in our recovery dear one. It's how we learn. Don't beat yourself up. I can't tell you how many times I've slipped. My butt is sore.
I'm sorry hubby was so nasty to you. There is nothing worse than arguing with a drunk. Even though I know that, I would still do that. I guess sometimes we need to get it out. It's the best thing in the world to do, but when I was doing it, frankly it felt good. this disease! It can take the sweetest people in the world and turn them into ogres. Makes you want to tear your hair out doesn't it.
The good thing is that you know what to do. You'll get back to it. Remember to be extra good to yourself. You are entitled to be happy, healthy and loved. You are a wonderful loving human being.
Love and blessings to you my friend.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thanks to everyone.....It helps so much for me to come here and just blow off some steam, get a new perspective on things, and understanding. This disease is so confusing.......no matter how much I try to learn, there is more, more, more.
Thanks, and Love in Recovery,
Becky1
Leo, I had to laugh at your comment. Putting it into perspective, that is what it was. Well, they are both old men A's. (Anyone got any pics of Keith Urban to send to ME??? (Just kidding!)
this disease! 
It can take the sweetest people in the world and turn them into ogres. Makes you want to tear your hair out doesn't it. 
