The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I learned of someones remark about me the other night that hurt, and my first reaction was to get fired up and say something mean about them. I stopped myself mid-sentence and changed the topic. ( a little progress!) However, it lead to a later committee meeting. That dreaded committee! I saw some old behavior of mine, cutting down the remark maker...taking his inventory. Then my hurt feelings. (I want everyone to like me ya know)! Then on to the person who told me this info...What was their motivation??? Round and Round the committee goes...When it will stop, I sure don't know!
Then I was reading the board here...and i quote for Abbyl....
"".....One of my fav people in our f2f here is 86 yrs old who has some really neat gems that she shares with us on occasion. this is one of my fav after asking her the same queston you did. She said you know when were young its important that every one likes us , when we get to be 40 its important what they think of us - and she says that at 60 we find out "they weren't thinking of us at all" ......"
I don't think these ppl are over 60...But at that moment was their life controlled by me...LOL i doubt it. I was letting my life be sucked up by them...What a waste...Thank you abby...This really was a light bulb moment ...sledge hammer? These off handed remarks ppl make, for only hp knows what reason...are quickly forgotten by the person making them...but I wear them like a tattoo...Today I will work on not taking it Personal...
and from dolphin in the same post...
"One alanon tool that I have picked up is, that your opinion of me is none of my business. Also it is beyond my control."
If I am working my program...I am working on taking care of me...I shouldn't have time to worry about others opinions...much less trying to control them...
Now if in the heat of the moment I can just remember all of this, that commitee can take a well deserved vacation.
Awsome Greta , and how could anyone not like u anyway sheeeeeesh they must be nuts . (hugs) gonna be a way for awhile so won't get to chat with you for a few days. Hope the house sells so u can geton with your move and new life . Your sharring with us a yr ago or so about the river and the stonned fish is one of my fav storries and i chuckle everytime I think of you.
It is my experience that this is a type of deal that it will vary on what is being discussed/argued about, who I am discussing/arguing what with, and, this is key for my recovery, if I am having the same argument/discussion over and over again, expecting a resolution when there may never be.
Here's a really good example from my life: Generally speaking, at the root of the arguments between my father and me is the fact that, since I have gotten active in recovery, I make a consistent, consicentious effort to set boundries, stick to them, and "This above all, to thine own self be true." In other words, because I am no longer 1)enabling; 2) accepting the blame/ manipulation/ shaming/ unacceptable behavior; 3) because I am holding my father to task for his role ("Actually, Dad, I said, that since this was your job, I was not going to do it for you..."), my father is now left with the very bitter reality that he is responsible for his recovery!
So, for me, whenever an argument seems to spark up, it's important that I recognize that, in reality, nothing's changed! We're having the same argument over and over and over! He's angry that I'm not his "buddy" anymore, and I'm dealing with the reality that I can't make him stop drinking.
Remember progress, not perfection! We all have the tools, it is remembering to use them that becomes the challenge once we get the tools. For me, awareness is a step in the right direction, if I slip I take relief in the fact that one, I am only human, and two that awareness of the slip is growth.
Keep coming back!
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I know exactly how you feel,,,however, alanon has changed me in the sense, that I used to react, without thinking, blurt something right back at them. Or confront them to let them know I knew etc etc,,,What I was doing was getting enmeshed in their crap. Now I think of the phrase,,,,,,"hurting people, hurt people". So it is their "stuff" and I will not participate....(not always anyways) LOL...Just be yourself you are just great the way you are greta!
