new here, overwhelmed with a crisis - Al-Anon Family Group

purpleraven · Veteran Member

new here, overwhelmed with a crisis

TLC2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, and welcome to our site. So many of us are and/or have been where you're at right now, and we understand your frustrations. Here, you will 'meet' the most incredable people ever! I'm not in a position to offer you help right now, just wanted you to know you are in the right place. I don't know how I would have ever 'made it' or kept my sanity without the wonderful help and compassion of the great friends I have found here. As you read the posts here, you will see what I mean. Love in the program, TLC

-- Edited by TLC2 at 07:18, 2006-07-17

annmarie · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome purpleheaven

I'm new to recovery myself, so am not really in a position to offer much advice. I have been helped greatly myself here by the understanding people on these boards, and I'm sure you can find the same help.

I do however understand much of what you're going through. My Aboyfriend is of a similar age. He also smokes drugs and will argue that its recreational, everyone does it etc. Its as if he's trying to convince himself.

Also lately, I've endured the arguments that you describe...and somehow it's all my fault. And the name calling and slanging matches are just the same. I think you're spot on when you say the A's life becomes unmanagable even if they haven't taken a drink.
In fact they can be not drinking for years and still have the same destructive behaviours if they are not working a recovery progreamme. I've witnessed this.

For yourself I would say, know that you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't change it. He will do what he wants to do whatever you try to say or do. You know this really. It took me a while to grasp this. I'm hope you're kinder to yourself that I was to myself!

I know it's very hard, but you would be being kind to yourself if you put yourself first now. Try and look after yourself. Do something you like to do...even just a walk....fresh air is good. You don't deserve the shouting and the annoyance.

Don't feel bad about talking about how you feel. There is always understanding. You just have to look in the right places.

Wishing you well,
AM

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((((((((((Purplehave))))))))))))))))),

Welcome to MIP. Here you will find great strength, experience, hope, love and laughter (good for the soul).
I have learned so much from reading old posts, attending online meetings and dropping in on our open chats. Please join us.

I am glad your boyfriend has found recovery. Intimacy issues are not uncommon in recovering addicts. Part of the reason is that all those emotions that they use to numb with their drug of choice, they can't now. There is such a thing called a "dry drunk". The person is sober but they can just as belligerent and nasty as if they were drinking. One of the things that has helped my hubby besides his AA meetings is therapy. He goes to group once a week, a councelor 2 a month and sees a psychiatrist 1 a month. For him that seems to be working.

I read as much as I can on this disease. There are chapters devoted to wives and familys in the AA blue book. You can read it on line. There are some great Alanon books. I also attend AA meetings with hubby. It helps me see his disease from his side. We also have a routine where we read daily meditations from AA and Alanon books. Not being an addict I have felt left out of his recovery sometimes. But this is something we
can do together.

I am reminded by a wise member here that I must stay out of his recovery. I always say to newbies (it also helps me to remind myself) that you must not loose yourself in his disease. You recovery has to be about you, whether or not he choose sobriety and recovery. Your life has to go on. I am not saying that you can't be supportive of his recovery. I am saying that by focusing on yours, you will get stronger and be able to make the decisions you need to make down the road.

I am hestitant about calling any of his AA friends and telling them what is going on. To me that is breaking anonymity. I have to trust him and his HP that he will make the right choices. We did discuss that if he ever got into a bad place that I could call one of his friends. We tried that. It didn't work. He relapsed anyway. An addict is going to do what an addict is going to do and there is nothing we can do about it even in recovery.

The reality of recovery for both of us, is that it is a very selfish thing. It has to be. It's how we survive. It's how they stay sober. It is said that we should not make any life altering decisions within the first year of recovery. Only you can decide what is best for you. I do believe that there is hope and love is possible with or without a recovering A. I love my husband beyond words. I would give my life for him. But I will not die for his disease, nor will I live with an active alcoholic. But that's me. I am thankful he is in recovery. A sober relationship is different from an active relationship because the dynamics have changed.

Remember to take good care of yourself. Keep coming back to us and attending meetings. We are always here for you.

Live strong,
Karilynn

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

purpleraven,

Welcome to MIP! I have found alot of experience, strength, and hope at this site and at f2f meetings. I don't think any of us are great at relationships coming out of child abuse or alcoholism. It is sorta like our emotional growth is stunted. We all need a support system. I get that from Alanon and my sponsor. We learn to focus on ourselves and our recovery program. And we learn to detach with love from our A's. Keep coming back.

In support,

Nancy

dori · Senior Member

Hi,

welcome so glad you are here.I too grew up in a very abusive family and married abusive men .I would suggest that you follow threw and get recovery for you and work on you .if it is meant to be it will work out but for now i only suggest to work on you.Go to meetings on line in face to face post here alot and read literature and protect yourself and i know you want to save him but you cant .

you want to make it right but you cant you are powerless over what he does or not do but the good news is he is in recovery.

my heart goes out to you cause sadly enough I do understand been there.

you didnt cause it

youcant control it

you cant cure it

and if you can get a list of the do 's and dont 's might help too

dori

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

World Service Organization Website –

WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Alanon meetings 1-888-425-2666

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

hersh · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Purpleraven...

Welcome. I have found so much insight and a different perspective by reading these posts. I am sorry for what you are going through. What I have learned here is challenging to put into action, but I see these things are necessary to escaping this insane way of life living with an A.

My husband relapsed after one year of sobriety last year (without a program). It has been a horrible horrible year for both of us. He is so sad, he's not even mad anymore, just pathetic and sad. Thank God your husband has a program. His God will help him to continue on his path, whatever that may be. I know from what I've learned from these wonderful ALANON people is that I have no control over what someone else does. It is a sad reality to face, but the more you begin taking care of yourself, the better you feel.

Believe me, the beginning of this year I was just a basket case. So crushed, so disappointed. I thought my life was over because he drank. But, a few face to face meetings and reading these boards have slowly helped me. Things go good for a few days, then he is coming home drunk again. I just don't know what to expect anymore, and don't know whether I can live with him while drinking yet. 17 years is a lot to throw away, and yes, like you, I have given LOADS of love and support to him. But learning now to set boundaries and stick up for myself, and to get away from a situation if it is making me really unhappy.

I wish you the very best, and know that you are not alone. There are many nice people on this site who feel what you are going through, or have been there themselves.

Love, HeidiXXX

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Purple so sorry about the meeting your trying to attend its possible that they have changed locations and with out ameeting list u wouldn't know that. here is the toll free interntional number for info in your area. they will give u a contact number and location for meetings . 1-888-4alanon. good luck Louise

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

World Service Organization Website –

WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Alanon meetings 1-888-425-2666

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

lilms · Senior Member

Hi,

I don't have much to add to all of the wonderful words that i see offered to you but just wanted to offer a hug and say keep coming back

lilms

purpleraven · Veteran Member

thank you all for your replies! i feel so welcome here. i hope to attend an online chat meeting tomorrow.

Karilynn wrote:

...
I am glad your boyfriend has found recovery. Intimacy issues are not uncommon in recovering addicts. Part of the reason is that all those emotions that they use to numb with their drug of choice, they can't now. There is such a thing called a "dry drunk". The person is sober but they can just as belligerent and nasty as if they were drinking. One of the things that has helped my hubby besides his AA meetings is therapy. He goes to group once a week, a councelor 2 a month and sees a psychiatrist 1 a month. For him that seems to be working.

I read as much as I can on this disease. There are chapters devoted to wives and familys in the AA blue book. You can read it on line. There are some great Alanon books. I also attend AA meetings with hubby. It helps me see his disease from his side. We also have a routine where we read daily meditations from AA and Alanon books. Not being an addict I have felt left out of his recovery sometimes. But this is something we
can do together.

I am reminded by a wise member here that I must stay out of his recovery. I always say to newbies (it also helps me to remind myself) that you must not loose yourself in his disease. You recovery has to be about you, whether or not he choose sobriety and recovery. Your life has to go on. I am not saying that you can't be supportive of his recovery. I am saying that by focusing on yours, you will get stronger and be able to make the decisions you need to make down the road.

I am hestitant about calling any of his AA friends and telling them what is going on. To me that is breaking anonymity. I have to trust him and his HP that he will make the right choices. We did discuss that if he ever got into a bad place that I could call one of his friends. We tried that. It didn't work. He relapsed anyway. An addict is going to do what an addict is going to do and there is nothing we can do about it even in recovery.

The reality of recovery for both of us, is that it is a very selfish thing. It has to be. It's how we survive. It's how they stay sober. It is said that we should not make any life altering decisions within the first year of recovery. Only you can decide what is best for you. I do believe that there is hope and love is possible with or without a recovering A. I love my husband beyond words. I would give my life for him. But I will not die for his disease, nor will I live with an active alcoholic. But that's me. I am thankful he is in recovery. A sober relationship is different from an active relationship because the dynamics have changed.

Remember to take good care of yourself. Keep coming back to us and attending meetings. We are always here for you.

what you've said here affects me deeply, because it applies to so much of what i'm going through. i'm in recovery as well, but not from drugs or alcohol. i'm a "cutter," one who self-injures. we don't have a 12-step group yet, at least not one i can find, but it is an addiction and the recovery is so very similar to any other addiction. his behavior triggers my urge to cut ... NO WAY am i going to go there! last night i was literally on my knees on the bathroom floor for hours crying and weeping and praying, surrendering my will to my higher power, asking for help. no, begging for help. i got through the night. he got through the night, but today i found out how low he felt. it scares me, this roller-coaster.

he's been clean and sober for a very long time, 21 years. he did explain to me about "dry drunk" and how he can never let his guard down and fall back on his own will. i have the Big Book, he gave it to me, i've read everything but the experiences. his success damns him in a way, being a long-timer, everyone expects him to be the strong one, the example to the newcomers, so from what i can tell he's hesitant to admit when he's falling, and/or when he does admit it, he isn't believed. sort of a "aw come on, you? 21-year-guy? no way could you fail!" a painful irony that he loses support the longer he's sober, eh?

ok. so i understand about staying out of his recovery. at first i did ask a lot of questions, because it's new to me, but once he guided me to educate myself, i took a hands-off approach. i do say things like, "i'm here if you need me" but i explained to him, i don't mean i want to change him or fix him. and i'm definitely not the type of person to hand out hugs when a kick in the pants is what's needed.

all that being said ... this just plain HURTS

it's like watching a train wreck, knowing i can do nothing but watch. and seeing him at his best, knowing what his best is like ... i want that! *greedy grrowl* i wonder how much BS i'll be willing to put up with just to get to the good parts, you know?

thank you all again for the warm welcome, and i can't tell you all how GOOD it feels to just talk about this stuff!! i'd moved to a new area this spring and i have a toddler, so i've ended up isolated, it'll take some time to build a new circle of friends in the area. it feels good to "talk" even if it is just words, you know? {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
peace,
meli

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

hi purplraven, concerning calling someone in his own program, I think I would do the same. Well, I would if my A had any experience with recovery and I knew someone in his recovery circle. That happened one night on "NYPD Blue" Andy was a recovering alcoholic, and got a call late at night about his partner. He went to her favorite bar and talked and walked her out before she used. I loved that episode! OK I have to remember to separate fiction and life.

Weocome to MIP. Where I live, there are LOTS of purple ravens :) --Jill

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.