The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know what is going on in my life right now.
I had layed out his meds (in a box) on the floor outside the bedroom door. When he came in, I told him he could sleep in the spare room, I'd be da**ed if he was going to sleep in MY bed.
I tried not to respond to any of his rantings, but he was trying to blame my son for my bad mood. He said he told his daughter at 5:30 that I was mad at my son (which I wasn't!) and that I would take it out on poor innocent him (who wasn't drunk). He said he told her again at 11:30 pm. Sounds to me, from mentioning the exact times, he knew he'd had too much to drink and was setting the scene for her, because he knew I'd be mad at him. She knew he was drunk, but I didn't talk to her about it, as they packed up and left this morning.
After he had ranted and raged at me last night, he said he was 'through' and wanted his wallet out of the bedroom. I told him I'd give it to him if he went out to the kitchen, I'd put it on the floor outside the room. A few minutes later, he wanted his clothes, so I got him away from the door again, and went into the bathroom and locked the door. I waited there, while he got his clothes, screaming at me all the while. He wanted a suitcase, wanting me to get it of course. I told him to put them in a garbage bag. He was trying so hard to get me out of my room for whatever reason in his diseased brain.
I have learned a lot in this program about their manipulating being part of the disease. He sure was at it last night!!
This morning sometime after I had fallen asleep behind all my locked doors, (this is my house, that I have payed for all by myself, and I will not be the one leaving!!) he used his key to unlock the outside door and had fallen asleep on the couch. I had just gotten up when his daughter walked in and asked me if I wanted help putting my stuff out for my garage sale. I thought she knew about the happenings last night, and I thought she was asking if I wanted help putting his stuff outside. I said no, he can take it out himself. I wasn't going to hurt myself doing anything for him. I didn't know at that point that he was in the house, until he spoke to her from the living room.
I didn't speak to him, and went back to my room. I little while later, he came in the house and tried talking to me as if nothing had happened!! I used some of the language he had used on me last night to let him know it isn't forgiven and forgotten, like it had been so many times before. In the nearly 10 years we've been together, he punched me in the mouth once, and got away with it. After him threatening to break the door down and punch me again, I was scared! I didn't know what he was capable of, he was in such a rage!
Sorry this is so long, I just need to get it out!
Anyway, he went out and mowed the lawn!! I suppose it was trying to 'suck up' to me? You see, he didn't want to leave this compfy house. He has several shacks that he calls houses, that don't even have power or water right now. He asked me for his spotlight and a flashlight last night, so I assumed he was going to one of those places.
Well, that just about brings us up to now. I don't know what will happen. I don't even know if he is out in the yard right now?
When my A & I first got together, I had just seperated from my husband. Everything was all roses and sunshine, with my A, of course. He was there to listen to me, give me drinks to 'relax' me, and seemed to be everything I had always wanted. At that time, I knew NOTHING about Aism!
Anyway, I had moved 'back home' after being away for 20 years. I had stayed close to a friend I had known since we were 12 yrs old. She wasn't happy in her marriage, as we used to talk a lot. When I started with my A, and was so happy, I noticed that she didn't want to talk much about it. When she met him, she took a distinct dislike to him. I was puzzled. After a while, she finally confided that she jealous of my happiness and hated him. Man-oh-man! Friends like that, who needs enemies??!! I also had an aunt whom I had regarded as another mother, and bought this house for one reason so I could be near both of them. Well, much to my astonishment, she was the same with my A for the very same reason! I was totally devastated!! I would have been genuinely (sp?) happy for either of them! My aunt has since passed away, and I am so sad that in the end, our relationship had died.
{{{TLC}}} sounds as if he had what's called a blackout. If you are familiar with that term I do apologize for trying to explain something you may already be aware of. I know the frustration and wonder at them trying to continue on as if nothing happened. In a lot of cases,the brain actually ceases to function on in a normal capacity and then a 'blackout' occurs. They can't remember anything in detail. I know this from experience. I also know with enough experience they DO know SOMETHING has happened and instead of bringing it up and finding out the horrors that they engaged in, they try to ignore it.
My heart feels sore for this nightmare existance you are having to endure. The A I'm with at this moment is not physically abusive..but sweet Lord the A known as my son's father was physically abusive. He would shove me,grab and leave bruises...the man became so enraged he dragged me by my hair..shoulders..ANYTHING and stuffed my face under the bathtub spiggot and turned the water on full force WHILE choking me.i thought I was going to die.Next day I had a very raspy voice(had it for a week) and he honestly didn't recall much of what happened.That wasn't the end of it.It didn't take me long to leave(with baby and five dollars to my name) after he became enraged over THINKING I hadn't mailed something and literally threw me on top of my baby son in a scuffle. I relate these things because i do from the bottom of my heart understand the tension and fear. A lot of us do I am sure of that.
As far as what is going to happen to you one can only speculate. One can speculate on the positive side as far as the intervention of the law,your program,a HP,family..you know the etc.If one were to speculate on the negativity, which no one wishes to, it will spell certain harm to your physical being and a wearing down of something too precious to abuse in your soul. I know this..I do believe in prayer and you are in mine today. I also know if you need a shoulder..if ONLY to vent and cry..you go right ahead..WE are here. I'm constantly on this board these days and constantly read messages and respond.
Something came to mind as I was reading one of my books today.I can't quote it directly but it had mentioned a saying from a Peter Marshall (I'm pretty darn sure it's not Peter marshall from the Hollywood Squares fame)..but the saying said something to the suffering that we endure and the outcomes. It mentioned the strong growth of the mighty oak against diverse winds and diamonds being born from pressure. It seemed appropriate for you at this time.Much love.Ram.
((()))TLc I think his twisted thinking is trying to get you to question yourself and your actions like most of us do. When the dust settles we tend to think was it that bad am I over-reacting? You know what you saw and heard and as you said it is your house and it should be on your terms. Easier said than done I know. If you still wish him to leave maybe call someone in who your husband respects to talk to him. Hang in there. Luv Leo xxx
