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Hi All,well another saturday meeting with my H ,who i haven,t live with for 12 wks,he comes down to see me i suppose and our new grandson,who i look after sat mornings.
We are now talking much more than we ever have in the last 3 yrs,WHY do i feel sorry for him,he wants us to have another go at saving our marriage,he tells me what he did to me in those 3yrs was unforgivable,i should never have been treated that way,and wants now to make ammends.
Well ,the biggest problem that keeps going round my head is trust,can i ever trust him,he spend his whole drinking episode in denial,the cans i found everywhere hidden were not his,sometimes telling me they were mine.
Does he want to come back because he knows he,s been a prat or does he want to come back just so little wify will look after him,after losing his job in may ,he had a driving job and lost his licence for driving over the limit out of working hours.
I know really you can not make my mind up for me it has to be my decision but im finding it hard what to do.
I have learned so much coming here in the last few weeks,normally i would have just given him another chance like i have so many times in the past .now i am really giving it some thought.
Just had to share this,better to write it done than having it rattle in my head.
I can absolutely relate to the trust issues. My AH and I were separated for 6 months and are just recently reconciled. He is sober now and I decided that I could wait around what iffing or I could enjoy the time that we could have now with him sober. I chose to reconcile and give it a go. But trust is a huge issue. It does get easier, the more times that he follows through when he says something the better it gets. Sure, in the back of my mind the thought is always there that he will pick up, he will relapse. So, I have to keep working on me, keeping myself in program mindset. Doing my reading, getting to meetings, being honest with myself and with the people in program. I can too easily slip back into isolating, denial all that old stuff. It is a challenge for sure, but I am grateful for this time, I am grateful that my children have a sober daddy for today, that my HP is giving us a chance to heal, to grow.
Keep the focus on you, get to f2f meetings, develop a support for you so that whether or not the alchoholic in you life is drinking you can be happy. It may not be the happy we all dreamed of, but happy nonetheless. I had to give up that dream, it will never be what I pictured marriage to be, but I am learning that I can have a new dream and it may even be better than what I had imagined.
Your post was most inspirering,you really hit the nail on the head i could spend the rest of my life saying what if and what might be,i think most of my h trouble has been deppression,well it sure started with that,i would like to think he just went down the wrong road for all the wrong reasons,he now has a good councillor ,who he now listens to.
I know for you it must have also been a giant step.a big descision,i hope with all my heart it works out ok for you,keep moving forward,before i joined this site i just coulnt make head or tail of anything,it a big thanx to lovely people like you i can even think things through.
The good news is you don't have to make a decision today :)
When you do, you would benefit to have some really firm boundaries in place, what you will live with and what you cannot..
There is nothing wrong with allowing yourself (both of you, actually) some more time to recover. Then your "what if's" will be less, because you'll know what to do and have a plan in place if the "what if's" actually happens.
This is about YOU. Don't let guilt pressure you. Do what YOU need to do for YOU.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hi Christy,oh i do love you people,this is also one of the reasons i have not just give in(as usual) is it cos he thought all i have to do is win her over,well i have come a good way of putting me first,because this time it,s not so easy,your so right next time it will have to be on my terms,i have decided to still keep it to saturdays ,talking more until i feel more sure of how i feel .
When I see the words "What if.." it reminds me of the July 11 reading in One Day At A Time. (If you have an ODAT, check it out.) The third paragraph jumped out at me, where its talking about how things might happen, but if they don't then "..we have put ourselves through needless suffering and made ourselves even less prepared to deal with them if they should come."
I know for myself, I can drive myself crazy what if'ing about horrible things that might happen. I did that when my son informed me of having joined the army. All those "possible" things I imagined in my head made me crazier and crazier, made me cry and rant, to the point where my son started withdrawing and not wanting to even speak to me. This is the son who I have always been closest to. I almost lost him because of my own fear of things that "might" happen in the future. Sheesh. (By the way, he is alive and well on a base in Hawaii at the moment, and I know HP is watching over him as demonstrated by the fact that he was not one of the 7 out of 9 from his unit chosen (by a lottery drawing) just recently to go overseas. The mere fact that he was the only one out of his basic training to be sent to Hawaii in the first place shows me how much HP is watching out for him.) I am reminded of the saying "If HP brings you to it, he will bring you through it." I don't "what if" these days, I focus on the day at hand and am grateful for our health and well-being of this day.
If I am unsure of what course of action to take, well again I'm reminded of a phrase I heard here (which always makes me smile)..."Don't just do somthing...stand there!" As others have said, its okay to make a decision to not make a decision at this moment. It's okay to simply wait. Used to drive me nuts when I'd ask "how will I know when its time ..?" and the members would reply "you'll just know", but I understand that now. As we work the program, the answers become clearer. As our thinking clears from the distortion of the affects of this disease on us, things become clearer. We're able to make healthy choices, rather than just reacting. (I reacted big time to son's news and am so grateful to the members for helping me to "see" what I was doing and aid me in recovering from my program slip.)
This is a wonderful program. It applies to everything in our life, whether it be alcohol related or not. Glad I'm here, glad you're here!! Thanks for your share!
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
I have huge trust issues on everything. I try to practice trusting myself. I think I have a lot of shame and remorse about bad judgment issues in the past. So these days I try to build on my self trust and then it blossoms in being able to make good decisions rather than hasty decisions in other areas of my life. I know my A is not to be trusted on several issues. I no longer share confidential stuff with him. I never discuss therapy with him for one.
I am glad that you are in the program. My A and I have reconciled many many times. Sometimes I think he was mean and nasty and provocative. Other times I think we were just both "at war". I try these days not to start a war.
Hi Kis,many thanx for your reply,wow i have alot to learn,im waiting for 2 books to arrive to help me even more,i have been with what i call my new family only a few weeks ,i have i feel grown in strengh so much,i dont think ive ordered that book but you can bet i sure will.i too have grown up children,they will always be our babies no matter how old,wow that is scary the lottery thing,i have a wonderful relationship with my children,my only daughter lives in australia,while im here in the uk,so i understand your worry being away from your son,i pray he comes home to you safe and well soon,
Hi Maresie,i too in the past have made some rash and hasty decisions,going backwards and forwards to my ever loving friend,when i felt i was going mad.i have only been with my new friends for a short time,but oh how i wish i had known then what i have learned now,i am growing stronger,the things i have learnt from all your good sound advise and guidance,just to step back and really think this over has been a sound improvement , to me trust is such a big issue it is the foundation of any relationship.
first as you say i have to trust myself to do the right thing.
One thing I have heard a lot here is "actions speak louder than words". A promise from an A is not really something to stake the farm on, but when he is actually DOING something, that does mean something.
You might want to make getting back together hinge on something concrete, such as his being in a program for a certain amount of time, the two of you seeing a counsellour together, his keeping a job, or whatever If he has to do something for a good amount of time, and sticks to it, that will tell you more than all the promises in the world. No matter what, sticking to your own program is key - even if he does get into recovery seriously, it is no magic wand.
Thanks sooo much for bringing up this topic! I have been 'what iffing' for two whole days. Started reading "Co-dependant no more', but kept on losing my concentration. Then I started obsessing every minute- not good.
He came to my door a little while ago and asked me if I wanted to go for a ride on our trike (three-wheeled motorcycle.) Normally, I would have jumped at the chance, and it's a georgeous day.On his way out the door, he said he'd be back before 5. I yelled out,"drunk or sober?" Not good.
I have to decide if I am going to live with him, drunk or sober.I know it is a disease that I can't cure, and I know that no matter how many promises he makes, I can't depend on them. So, I have to decide if my relationship can go on as it is. Can I really accept it as it is?
I have been trying so hard to decide what to do. I love him very much, but deep in my sub-conscious there is the very real potential of him being voilent. It has happened before, and may have happened again if I hadn't been behind a locked door. He was in a drunken rage, and I also know it is a progressive disease.
Guess I'll get outside before this beautiful day is over, and walk on the beach. That always makes me feel better, and that's where I feel my HP is walking beside me.
Thanks again for bringing up this topic. It has helped me by reading the replies, and seriously thinking it out. Bye for now, TLC
Hi TLC2,its so hard to make the right decision,my h was never violent,just lied his pants off,shouting and name calling,we have been married 36yrs,and for 33of them years ,he was a pussycat,i think this is why its so hard for me,the change in him was very sudden,shock to all his family,so i ask myself could he resort back to his former self,or is this drinking thing all im goin to get.
