The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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ok so he is him. Tells me he is still in love with me. So what? lol I mean it is not like he is wooing me and sending a lot of letters and calling.
Not saying, "I want to do this for you and that for you. I have not treated you like I want to treat you....."
I have always been the last consideration for him. Always. So up goes another boundary. I better put them up where he can see them. lol I mean it too. this poor guy does not even know what's coming.
I mean he is A, he is working on his program. He also has responsibilities to me. NO, not building things, or washing dishes or making spegetti, me, debilyn a woman, the person he wants to spend his life with. Spend life with, doing what?
Not touching me for days, forgetting to hold my hand? Not saying simple things like, your hair is so soft.
I said that one becuz it is the only thing I can remember that he said nice about me. He said,"I forgot your hair was so soft."
I am not kidding. lol Hey I work on me, always clean, smell good, feminine, smile and laugh a lot. Don't complain, love to work, wear pretty nightgowns...
um the last thing he said nice was,"how are you handling the heat? Well you know how to keep the house cool, you have always been good at that." lol
I am saying this with humor. He may not even make it one day. Since he cannot drive, has no money and is in the country way away from town, it may be awhile before he goes crazy, if he does.
Know 90 in 90 is a big deal. I wonder if we could ride the horses to the meetings? Was just thinking about gas money. yikes. hmm maybe we better get some bikes. At least for now. Gads I wonder if I can still do that. arthritis...ouch.
shaking head here. Seems so weird to have been married since Jan. 99, 7 years, and to have only been married for 6months. That is all I had before his brain surgery.
Was such a good normal time. To be honest, I don't remember much, not even the feelings I had. I think that could be why I find this so unnerving. This man is telling me he is in love with me, and I have NO idea who he is. none.
Remember that saying, we don't remember what someone bought us or taught us, or gave us, we remember how they made us feel. this is true for me.
so if I have gotten nothing but Aism hell for 6 years and 6 months, how do I remember how he makes me feel?.... not good.
And how can he be in "love" with me when he does not love himself?
He is also a acoa. I need books on that, anyone have some good ones???
I am not obsessing. Just yakking at you.
I am doing something for ME! I got almost all the pickets up on my railing of my south deck!!!! Annnnd I got most of it painted too, fox red. I love it. And I painted mertz cat, sauvy dog, fannie pig and Yameez llama....
I ran out of pickets dang it. But it looks so nice. My house is white with peacock blue trim. Now of course I think the house needs paint....
Trying to get it spiffy for when Elgin horse comes. I don't want them to say,"omg look at this dump, we are not leaving this poor horse here!" lol
I will make sure things are spiffy, and all the pigs have ribbons on their tails...and Chief tail is French braided.
Eden is what I give me. It is so calming here. My poor A, if he makes things feel like they are dieing here, I will have to dump him somewhere.
I get happy just seeing Chief in the pasture, it is pouring rain, but warm, and under him is Fannie a, little Yorkshire pig, keeping dry. She loves him and follows him all over.
My goats are going nuts hopping and running all over. They are so happy. Nothing is cooler to me than to take in these depressed scared animals, then next thing I know they are all sprawled out in my garden soil...or doing that frolicking thing. (c:
Well I will pray my A gets some peace here. Up to him. If a person does not appreciate Eden, it is EASY for me to tell them to get lost. lol
AAWWWW Debilyn, you have no idea how much so many of us here love you!! You are an inspiration!! Be true to yourself!
Like me, you are such a romantic, always hoping, not wanting to give up. Your capacity for loving has no boundaries, but I am glad you can see an apple as an apple, or..um, maybe I should say a lemon as a lemon? Stay true to yourself, who you, yourself, perhaps put on the bottom of your list at times? I know I do, and so did he (put me on the bottom).
I am very happy for your new horse!! He will have a very happy home! My dream, at one time was to have a retirement home for horses. Unfortunatly, (can't spell worth beans tonight!) my health and finances won't allow it.
Yes! Boy, how true that is. I can forget details of conversations, where they happened, etc...but I remember how I felt. Ya know, that right there is one of the things that did help me find my compassion and love for my hubby again. Remembering how he made me feel when things were new with us. We got married in '99 also...how funny. Ya know, things never stay the same. People grow and change. Sometimes we don't grow at the same pace. I have learned the value of good communication. Am still working on that. We used to talk a lot when things were new. Lost that part of "us" along the way. I like what you had to say about the responsibilities to you, to you as a person and a woman. We do like to feel cherished, don't we? Some men find it so hard to express that though. Sigh. Do you suppose they know that a certain look or simple touch can often be more intimate than the act of sex? I recall a fellow I dated for a time, we didn't have physical intimacy, but the way he treated me, the things said... my mind and body was so aware and so alive. Now that I'm talking about that, I remember feeling that same way when I first started dating hubby. Well, any relationship takes work. Things are never all roses and sunshine. Perhaps I need to open myself up more, allow myself that vulnerability, and talk to hubby about that. I know he misses that part of "us" too. Oh we have a bit of it, but not like we used to. Hard with an active A.
By the way, you always make me feel good with your shares. Love your outlook on life, your stories of Eden. What a wonderful book those stories would make. Thanks ((((debilyn)))))!
Luv ya, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
I am sure that you already have it but, the Hope for Today daily reader was written by ACOA. I am both, the wife of and A and an ACOA. It has been very helpful to me to read that particular reader.
Thanks for sharing this. i needed to hear it. I can so understand your feelings of not knowing who your A is. Only now that we are in process of divorce does he say all those nice things on a consistent basis, there were some before but more crits and comps. It's hard not fall into wanting them to be true, and remembering it may be the disease talking.
First, when you describe your place I feel like I can see it. It must be a great place.
Yes I can remember how I felt at paticular times. There was a point when my "A" had 18 months of clean time. We were seperated during that time, and after a few months of no contact he started coming around, spending time with our daughter and checking on his unborn daughter. He and I got to know eachother again and became friends and then when we almost had been a part for a year, we got back together, then we had another 6 months together before he relapsed. We took it one day at a time.
Debilyn, all I can really say is that for me I can look back at us and remember that peace I felt with the two of us really working a program. I still have mine, I am hoping he can find his again.
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
On the ACOA thing I think that Claudia Black is really good. I also think that Harriet Braiker is good (although her work is geared towards females). Personally I think most A's have real issues with boundaries so anything on boundaries is good too.
((((Debi)))) I love your posts, you are so honest and open, and I love that!
I sometimes wonder about my A, too. He sometimes treats me like one of the guys or something. I try to look nice, wear nice clothes, smell good, etc. I am more of a touchy person than he is....but in the beginning, he was very touchy. We had a great, fun, wonderful sex life.....not so much now. When we do, I am the one who initiates it, and sometimes he just rejects me, which makes me hate myself. The other night, I was touching him, and he jumped out of bed, and slept on the couch. Said he couldn't sleep with all that touching going on. ??????? What????? Hmmm, guess the honeymoon's over.
For me, a lot of times, the lack of intimacy is really hard. He is the love of my life, the best I've ever been with. And, I am older than he is by 3 years...guess I should have gotten a REALLY younger man, huh? Or, maybe just not an A. I know that is a lot of the problem, but it still hurts sometimes. I am getting better, though. I don't scream and cry like I used to....
