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I've been zeroing in on detaching with love. I see now where it is considered difficult by some. Between my almost uncontrollable urge to be in his business and feeling I need to completely ignore him..that narrow bridge became a bit more visible to me...I THINK..
Darling A came home today tanked after work. I know he came home early and had a feeling that he would want to take us out to dinner. Months ago I stated my discomfort with riding with him in that position. I certainly will not keep my mouth shut as far as him driving my son either..as I will not when the new son comes as well.That's a given. As far as lecturing goes he has repeatedley mentioned that he hasn't had a dui in over 15 yrs. If any who read this feels I should intervene more intensley because of others on the road..I have tried-it is of no use. As far as controlling what I CAN control I refuse to ride with him,if it can be helped. The sight of his behaviour distresses me and why subject myself to the misery if I can help it. I have been pretty evasive and uncomfortable telling him 'no' when he asked for us to go to dinner when he's drunk.Even though I have mentioned it time and again, through the months,he seems to not hear. I don't know if this is a common occurance that most of us share but he seems to conveniently forget the boundaries I have stated to him..as if I have never said anything. Almost like a cover-up is in process. I just asked if he intended to take a long nap before we go out tonight.He said that was out of the question.Without hesitation and the old guilty feelings of ruining something he evidentally was looking forward to, I fimly said"Then we are not going." I went back to my computer and he left to go to his room. the guilt feelings were creeping around my ears but forget it, I kept in my seat and didn't do the ole "I'm sorry honey, well...maybe we CAN go..but..OK.." You know the mushy-mash stuff. I went back to the room because I realized it may have hurt him. I stood in front of the locked door and knocked extra hard because here I was going...pissed that he shut me out and ready to confront him and once again remind him why I wasn't going.In the time it took for him to open the door I took a deep breath. I kept a vision of his face in my mind;worn,stubborn and personally exhausted. He hadn't approached me in anger.He had only meant the best. I kindly offered to go to lunch,if he is able, before I go to my meeting tommorow. I kissed his forehead and asked him to know that I love him. He told me to look on the bathroom shelf. I looked and saw a prescription for a valium type med. Don't worry he's not a consumer of extra drugs. I had seen him in a self induced sobriety over a year ago..and he just let me know he's going to attempt to get sober again. He mentioned wanting to start tomorrow and that he woluld be ok. I know better than to anticipate beyond a 24 hour period but the very act that he took to start SOMETHING..on his own, for the first time in a while, made me breathe a sigh of small relief. After a couple of weeks of avoiding getting on a treatment plan as he's been told to by the state. After a couple of weeks where he's at least doubled his alcoholic intake..reason unknown..I was beginning to lose huge amounts of faith. And here he stood in front of me as weak as he can be,never mind extremely vulnerable in his acknowledgement of his addiction and trusting me. A trust I could have easily destroyed in the last week if I hadn't sought additional help.
I know when he opened up even more this afternoon he was excited about losing some pounds,eating right and getting some sun. I could only smile and listen/look past the alcohol and feel relieved that I had made the first move to get myself straighter through meetings regardless of what he does or did. I wish him luck and thanks to you guys and my new meetings/literature I can begin to wish him this WITH love instead of bitterness and anger.
He's now cussing heavily about something on CNN..every other word"F" this..and "F" that and it's over..(sigh) the kind of car the prime min. of England got out of. God I hate that.He's launching into how he's not getting anywhere talking to me..how i don't understand..etc. You know..I just listened. He went on and on cussing about some patient today and i kept thinking about how splendid it was that he had the presence of mind earlier to set himself straight,because thinking past a certain absorption level leaves no room for any rational decisions period.
What helped me was just that realization - he's not doing it to hurt me. When I could look at him with love and compassion, but still not cave.... Sounds like you did good.
One thing that many others have found useful - saying "OK, but I'm driving". It didn't work with my A, but maybe you could try it.
I am trying to understand what valuim has to do with anything? Are you saying he is going to do pills for awhile and not drink? Won't work uno.
He is just trading one drug for another. All your addict is doing is playing games.
I am proud of you. You love him but you are not going to put up with being in a car with a drunk. good for you!
If he asks again when he is using, I would stimply state, "I don't ride with anyone who is drunk." Period. Say no more. don't let the disease drag you in. The less time you spend with the disease, the better.
It is so good to see you making progress. I love it.
thanks for your observation but he is not trading one drug for another. In some instances some folks need a combination of drugs plus treatment. It happens quite a bit. He is a doctor so he has had quite an extensive knowledge in what's worked..for him..as well as others. one common example of drugs assisting addicts in their recovery would be methadone for heroin addicts.
It's just a relief to see him START on the road, you know? He doesn't indulge in other drugs (yes,we know alcohol is a drug) at all. It's amazing how one addict differs from another. It's not a matter of playing games it's a very sad fact of keeping the shakes away so one can function. It's a physically,mentally compulsive disease and just attending meetings is just one method that countless individuals take.
As far as games are concerned..the running in bathrooms all day to sneak drinks and getting progressively drunk thinking no one can tell..that's a game. Blaming everyone around him for things going wrong,while obviously falling apart..that's a game. Telling folks he's going to do one thing while doing another..game. I've spent 30 some years around mostly A-s..been an A..it's an interesting angle to realize the different ways some of these folks take to find some peace. Had an A mother who checked in and out of rehab timeless times..and it was never a lasting thing-yet steps were taken.Had an A uncle who spent 12 years in prison,stayed clean but since that life restricts and leaves inmates with no constant opportunities to indulge..his coping skills collapsed as soon as he was out-at least he had those precious gifts of sobriety.
You never know.All you can be sure of is what YOU'RE working on.
Congratulations!!! I am still very much working on this detachment with love. It sounds like you did it the very right way. Just kept quiet, listened with love, but you are setting boundaries. Keep up the good work, my friend. I know that for me, though just a newbie, I am finding that definitely I do things right sometimes right now, and then make huge mistakes and feel awful. But, just like any program of recovery, it is progress, not perfection...
Good for you. I pray for you and your family. You are strong.
