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I'm shocked. Don't know why but I am! I'm working my program quite well I think, detatching with love, not padding his (my Aboyfriend) fall when he drinks all his wages etc.
Anyway, I made it clear that I would not be around drinking, and if he chose to disappear for three days with his drinking buddies (who are really starting to irritate me, by the way!) whenever pay day came, then I would no longer be sitting at home worried sick about him. I made it clear I would be out doing whatever I wanted to do, and I would not arrange my life around him anymore. And I am doing this.
He lets me think he's not drinking. Says he hates it, says he doesn't want to drink.
I think he knows I am serious. He tests me sometimes but I am determined to stick to my recovery programe (my sanity is at stake!).
So, I come home from work and am happy to see him happily preparing dinner. When I get close, I know I can smell beer....but am disbelieving nonetheless. I was so shocked I said nothing. He behaved as normal. I decided in my shock to say nothing...but I checked it out again....definitely drinking. Later in the evening he went to the shop to get cigarettes....only gone for fifteen minutes and again I got a smell of drink when he came back. Obviously he'd had a couple of cans or something.
I didn't say anything because I didn't really know what was the right thing to say or do. I feel this is strange behaviour. Normally he just disappears for three or four days and doesn't bother too much with me when he's drinking. I can't understand what's going on now. I really don't know what to do, what to say. I want to protect myself and get well. I don't want to fight anymore, but I can't really see what's going on now.
I know he's trying to sort out a mess he created a few weeks ago when he went drinking. He owed a lot of money and has been trying to pay it back for the last two weeks. So he doesn't have much money...maybe he can't afford a drinking spree. I don't know. I look after myself financially, and so try not to discuss money too much with him.
Just trying to work it all out, I need to do the right thing for my own recovery. Thanks for listening, AM
The craziness of this disease makes it impossible to figure out......sounds like you are doing what you need to do for yourself...and that is what is important right now for you....
A's are the sneakiest people in the world, they can look at you and lie like a dog.....they are great at the con game.
Sounds to me like he is just sneaking.....not wanting you to know the truth...I have been ther hon....just stay on your porgram and pray he finds one....because he will not stop until he wants to....
Great job not picking up the "rope" - not getting into it - sometimes that is the best thing to do. Sticking to those boundaries is hard, but you can do it.
I spent many years trying to understand why my AH did many of the things he did, I am learning that probably he doesn't even know why he does some of the things he does - it is the nature of the disease - cunning, baffling and powerful - Keeping the focus on "my garden" is the only way I can maintain my serenity - sounds like you are well on your way!!
Thanks for sharing,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I've been there and done that on the rope issue. I have also been there and done that on the wondering why issue. I know the A doesn't have good judgement. Neither do I really. That doesn't mean I need to continue to have bad judgement. I can have better judgement and not be overinvolved with him. At some point I may choose not to be involved with him at all. Who knows. I take it one day at a time.
What seemed to work for me was not paying too much attention to whether or not he was drinking, just to how he was treating me. That made it easier not to get bent out of shape about things that were really none of my business. It did nothing to bring him to sobriety, but it did make life at our house much more livable.
This is a recent thing for me too, my husband hiding his drinking from me.
It took me a awhile to get used to it.
It is sad really. Just a game they play with themselves.
The best thing I have done is not make myself his "keeper". Why should he hide his alcohol consumption from me? I am not his Mommy...
He pays more than half of the bills around here, so definately pays his share and lots more too. He lives his life as a responsible adult, so I am going to respect his privacy and not pry into his personal life and what he does with him money after he pays the bills.
My husband has told me many times that alcohol consumption in the home is NOT illegal and even drunkenness in the home is not illegal. Public intoxication and drunk driving are illegal, not getting drunk at home. So, even though I don't approve of it, he DOES have the right to drink to his hearts content at his own home that he definately takes repsonsibility for.
Now, his bevavior when drunk is another matter. I DO say something when he is out of control screaming, peeing all over everything, or trying to take us on a drunk drive. But I focus on the illegal or verbally abusive BEHAVIOR, not the drinking itself. It has taken me a long time to get to this point.
With a lot of work and knowledge from alanon I have learned to live with his drinking as long as he is not out of control or engaging in illegal activity.
It would be a dream for my husband to cook dinner and I would not care that he was drinking to be honest, if he was still "nice".
So many wives try to be their husband's "mom" and try and control their behavior. It is natural to want to "help" someone we love. But I had to learn that my husband is a grown man and can make his own choices, even if they are very unhealthy choices. Just like I would not nag him if he had a weight problem and ate a bucket of fried chicken. He would not have to hide his food from me. I think it is the same with drinking.
All I can do is try to set a good example of living without addictions and hope that one day he "gets it" from my example alone. I don't know of any situation where "nagging" helped (even though wives never see it as nagging) so I have learned not to comment on his drinking and just on his BEHAVIOR if it is abusive or dangerous.
You've been a great help to me. I really didn't know how to handle this latest twist. Anyway, I'm more confident now, getting to know how to really set my boundaries for myself. I think now actually realising that he has bad judgement helps (well, not as clear as my own at the moment), somehow it makes me feel less contemptous. Also, up until now I was very much against his drinking...at all... probably because of all that went with it. To me it was devestating when he went off on a bender. Anyway now I've decided to focus less on his drinking, and my being scared of the consequences of it. I'm putting my focus on how he treats me instead, and not allowing him to cross any of my boundaries. Sometimes, he really pushes my boundaries....yesterday for example, he said I caused a row (he had been talking to his mate about me and I felt it was inappropriate. I won't go into details but I felt I was justified in getting a bit annoyed...setting boundaries for myself). He then called me names...I hate slanging matches and name calling. I was driving at the time so I couldn't walk away. So we rowed. He pushed and pushed at my boundary (of not calling me names/engaging ion slanging matches). I got quite upset. It was too much really. Then he reverted to apologising (which is rare), and to accusing me of stirring up arguments. This went on for ages. I was so drained.
I know he often doesn't know how to behave. Is quite immature sometimes. (His mother, who he puts on a pedastel, was a disiplinarian and I wonder sometimes if he's trying to control me as he himself was.) When he shouts at me, he seems to think I need it! But then he seems sorry just as quick and tries to blame me.
Anyway, in the midst of this chaos, I am trying to set my boundaries....do not call me names, do not scream at me...but sometimes I just get so exhausted from it all.
I was I suppose expecting him to be rational, but I now think this is too much. I think he is unable to be rational.
Thanks everyone for listening and for giving me a different perspective, You're in my prayers, AM
