The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i'm new here, but i will share my expirience from my only meeting. Manyof you are talking about great meeting and how much you learned from them. My meeting was different. I sat in cold room with another 10 mostly woman, middle aged, bitter, leaving their husbands. What i got from it, let it go means leave. When i spoke, i was looking for conversation, not just talking to myself, i've done this alot with my A. I got absolutely nothing from it. After the meeting i asked why we cant have open conversation and discuss some things, they said that is not the way meeting go. So i was very dissapointed.
My bf was in treatment centre for 6 weeks and i had meetings there, but completaly different. I enjoyed them. We had small group and we always talked together, had ideas and comforted each other. We had the councelours, we had alot of lectures as well. Thats where i learn most. I miss that kind of learning and support. Now i'm stuck at home and cant really move forward with any learning.
Sorry that you didn't like your first meeting, I hope it won't be your only meeting.
From the sound of your post you could really benefit from going to the open chat time in our chatroom, that is where you can converse, ask questions and just have fun.
During the actual meeting there isn't any back and forth discussion "crosstalk". If this happened then easily meetings could turn into "A" bashing and advice giving, and that is not what the program is about.
For me when I attend my f2f meetings I listen to the share from the others and I see how they work the program and I learn tools from that. Or I see where I was at that point and remember what I did during that time so that I could talk to them after the meeting. I have seen that when I am open HP reaches down and shows me something that I need to work on or he shows me growth that i have made in some way.
In my area, many of the ladies go out for coffee afterwards, maybe your group does that as well. And you can get the conversations you are looking for there.
I would also like to suggest that you attend the online meetings here, then you can get a feel for the f2f meetings. Just keep coming back, this program works.
Also- one final note, at our meetings we suggest that a person try 6-10 meetings and try meetings at different locations. In my are we have a meeting almost everyday, and each meeting had a different feel to them, maybe you should try that as well if possible.
And remember, take what you like and leave the rest.
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I too found my local f2f meetings were unproductive and very detremental to me and my healing process. There are about 3 different meetings, and they were all the same group of people. At first I thought it was me. So I kept going back, bound and determined to change me. After about 25 meetings, I gave up. They are going to do what they are going to do. So be it. (I liked the meetings we had before I visited hubby in rehab on Sundays. Unfortunately, they are only for the people who are visiting people in rehab.) Perhaps you hit it on a bad day, and might want to try it again.
I did find a different kind of a meeting for people affected by addiction, but not Alanon connected. I found it through my local mental health association. You might check there. Unfortunately, that group has dissolved because of lack of participation. Oh well.
The beauty of this place is that we have great online meetings here. So please come join us. Because I'm in a realtively small town, the local meetings are far and few between. But here, it's just perfect. When I can't make the meetings here, I can always come and chat. Sometimes I get more out of the chatting than I do at the meetings. Don't think that you are stuck. You are never alone. We are always here for you.
I am also finding that going to open AA meetings with hubby is very helpful too. It has brought us closer. It gives me a perspective on the disease that I can't get anywhere else. Perhaps that might be an option for you as well.
Hang in there. Remember to be extra good to yourself. You deserve it.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I'm sorry that perticular meeting you went to was so negative, but the belief that you "can't move forwarrd" isn't quite correct, either, dear. You've had the privledge to witness people who are choosing not to work the steps, not to get a sponsor, not to commit to a home group, where they can become active and recieve all the benefits of this program. What you did witness in the treatment center was a healthy, functioning, recovering al anon meeting. Where people were working the steps, were using their sponsors (and if they didn't have one, they were actively looking for one), and were active in a home group where they were of service to their fellow al anons and to their god as they understood god. I am loathe to believe that the meeting you saw was the only one in your area. And if it is, why not go to ones that are outside your immdiate vicinity? I mean, think about it--if this were a meeting where you found out whether or not someone was a tissue match for you for a kidney transplant, would you be this hesitant? Would you be like "But it's so far away!" ? Of course not! Your mental well being and spiritual health are worth as much if not more than your physical health--but it is up to you to make them a priority!
My first face to face was like that too. I checked out several other meetings in the area. I had to drive a little further and they all had a no crosstalk policy, but I did find a home group. I must admit at first I hated the no crosstalk policy, I had alot i wanted to talk about. I found going out to coffee after the meeting really gave me that!! Alot of times that is my favorite part of the meeting. The chatroom here is a great place to talk it out too, hope to see you there! Please don't quit before the miracle happens!
I am sorry to hear that you had a rough 1st meeting. Each meeting has a format that they follow and it sounds as if this one might have been a topic followed by discussion. Most meetings I attend are this way - however - there is no crosstalk (conversation) during the meeting. I have never heard of lecturers at Alanon meetings outside of rehab setting. As for the people you have met at this meeting. It is all possible they were collectively having a bad night. It does seem at least in my home group when one in the group is doing well most are as well and the opposite is true - when one is having bad night we all are. It seems to run in cycles where we all come into the meeting w/ same problems at same time.
I hope that you do not give up. Maybe there are other meetings in your area that might suit you better.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
You may notice that the meetings have someone running them, but there is no perminant "instructor". The tone of the meetings are very much product of what everyone is putting into it.
I was blessed in that my first meeting was a real diverse crowd. Me.. about to have myself committed, a couple of folks who were very bitter and upset (a phase of our disease I have found) and a few long timers who had strong stories of hope. They all helped me to a degree. So there are some folks as frustrated as I was and some folks who had pushed beyond that and made their lives better. I needed very much to see that was possible, cause I couldn't imagine it for myself. This was only a few months ago for me so I really can sense your frustration.
There is no better suggestions than to try another meeting somewhere else. This online group is so wonderful, because there are people from all over the globe to share their experiences.
You might have noticed at the end they said the Serenity prayer and said "Keep coming back, it works if you work it". Your survival and your serenity is totally dependant on you. That may sound harsh, but it's not meant to be. What I really mean is that nobody can really stop you from getting better if you want it bad enough. There is literature, online groups, this forum and other F2F meetings somewhere. All there for the taking.
You have some really good suggestions from some very caring people, and we are all here for you no matter what you do. So don't give up. You are worth it!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Can't stress enough - one meeting does not make a program. The way my home meetings work, different people take turns opening and choosing the subject. Some of our chairpeople are very strict about cross talk, so much less so. We tend to all share, and then do a little conversation, once everyone has shared. It would not be unusual to have a completely different group of people from one week to another, with only maybe one person the same.
I also found it hard at first, with the 'no crosstalk' rule. It made it feel cold, and as if no one was really listening to me. However, as I found my way in the program, I started to see why meetings are structured that way. It would be so easy for a strong personality who had been in the program for a while, but not necessarily 'in recovery' to take over, and start dispensing advice and control to everyone there. In fact, we hear of such situations happening now and then. With no crosstalk, you do not get affirmation of your share, no. However, most of us have real problems with people pleasing - it would be very easy for an alanon to slip into tailoring her share in order to get positive reinforcement from others at the meeeting, rather than truly sharing her real feelings - the meeting could become just another place to hide your true self. You are not at the meeting in order to please the other members - you are there to speak your own truth, out loud.
First of all, Al-anon suggest going to at least 6 meetings.
I found one meeting locally that had cross talk. Basically two people who happened to be mother and child talked back and forth 3/4 of the meeting. This is NOT Alanon.
Alanon is a program that focuses on yourself. It's hard to share and keep the focus on yourself if someone keeps interupting your share w/ their input and advice. A good meeting will have many do what I call the Ala-nod. This is a nod of understanding, they know where your coming from. I got alot from that.
There is plenty of time for conversation before or after the meeting. The structure of the meeting really allows for everyone to be heard and to keep the focus on ones self and Alanon principles.
If you come to an online meeting you'll see the format is similiar and you may become more comfortable before you go. I know when I first came back to Alanon the online format made me very comfortable before going. It felt much more familiar.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Thank you all for your advice and sharing your expirience.
I might sound really down last night, but i was actually in good form ( imagine me in bad one
I will try the online meetings, thats probably the option for me right now. As i said, i dont want this to take over my life. Why should i put so much work into something that i just came accross couple of years ago. I really think my sanity is ok, i never got any abuse, just normal stuff like every other couple. I was affected by his drinking, but i dont carry anything from THEN. That is pass sense and we moving forward. I'm in aftercare once a week with him, i do get share and i feel that is quite enough for me. Everybody is talking about getting meeting in, but i want to do different stuff, i want do horse riding, salsa dancing etc. I know everybody is trying to help and i thank you for that, but i really dont think i need 3-4 meetings a week.
